(Closed) Dating for 12 years without a proposal?

posted 12 years ago in Proposals
Post # 46
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

I have been living with my boyfriend since I was 18, we started dating when we were 16, we are both 27 now. After reading all of these posts I feel slightly discouraged that it will not happen. It’s been such a long time to the point where I try to avoid talking about him or how long we’ve been together to anybody who asks. Why? Because I find it to be embarrassing. Talking to him about it never goes well and because so much time has passed being the one to have to make an ultimatum isn’t very romantic. Needless to say it makes me feel far more resentful. He shares with me his thoughts that he wants everything to be perfect, well that’s nice and all but it seems to be a loaded statement just to make me shutup. It’s not like he’s been sharing goals with me or what this ‘perfect’ is supposed to be like, feel like. I would tell anyone feeling the same embarassment to realize you can only blame him/her for so long until you realize you have no one to blame but yourself for not going after what you really want. I plan to just leave because of the lack of direction, I’m tired of giving the benefits of a wife without any legal means. So why should I?

Post # 47
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee

I’ve been in a relationship for 10.5yrs and still waiting. Just lurking on here to see if anyone else is in the same boat. Reading up other posts on waiting over a decade.

Post # 48
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2020 - La Jolla, CA

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beelinetowhere123 :  same boat. We’ve been together 13 years. And truth be told, if nothing had happened by year 10, I was ready to walk. Well joke was on me because I ended up getting pregnant and was about 7 months when our 10 year anniversary came. So I stayed because of the baby. No regrets, he’s an amazing dad and we have a great relationship. I will add in, he has the ring (I found it earlier this year), and told me it’s coming. If it’s a solid relationship you have, and the only thing you are missing is the ring and title, voice your feelings and if they are validated and acknowledged, hang in there. Just my two cents. 

Post # 49
Member
431 posts
Helper bee

13 years, a 3 year old child, and he still hasn’t proposed but has the ring? What is he waiting for? He’s already committed to you and to your child, so it seems bizarre that he is still stalling on proposing.

Post # 50
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2020 - La Jolla, CA

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izzabella :  I. Got. Nothing. Financial stability? A convo will be happening tonight. 

Post # 51
Member
631 posts
Busy bee

That’s great news that they ate getting married! He’s lucky,  I would not have stuck around for so long.  

Post # 52
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee

I’ve never been in a relationship like that, but I tend to think that both parties are probably patient people who are willing to wait. 

Post # 53
Member
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

To each their own. 

That said, I had a one year rule. If my partner and I could not articulate a plan for a future together that made us both happy by our first anniversary then it was a sign to move on. If by our second anniversary we were not taking concrete steps towards that future (whatever those steps might be… doesn’t have to be marriage!) it was also time to leave. The love can be there, but if you don’t share the same hopes and dreams then how aligned are you really? 

It’s not an easy approach. You have to be willing to stand up for yourself and accept that the person you love may just not love you in the same way, but in my opinion it’s better than investing years of your life in someone who won’t truly invest in you. 

 

Post # 54
Member
555 posts
Busy bee

Long term dater here, 6.5 years (not as long as some of the other posts on here though!), thought I never wanted to get married. We bought a house, adopted a dog, started making kid plans. Then one day I changed my mind and told him what I wanted, he said he wanted the same things. We decided we were ready for marriage together. All in all, I don’t regret being a long-term dater because I have zero doubts & know we will get along fabulously for years to come. Even thought long term dating bugged my parents to no end. 

Post # 55
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

My FH and I have been together for over 11 years….We have a child…We have a house…We have established careers…We just had a lot going on in during these 11 years and have been through lots of things that was beyond our control. Marriage was the last thing on our mind up until recently when things got a bit normal..Life for everyone is different. I know people that have been together for 20 years before they tied the knot. 

Post # 56
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

We’ve been together for almost 6 years, but actually going steady for 3 only. We’ve had many issues that we have decided to address in couples therapy. It’s a long road, but we’re making it. We won’t take the next step (marriage) before we’re both happy of the work we’ve done as a couple (and individually) in therapy. It doesn’t matter whether it takes more time than what it takes for an average couple. I also think in the long run this will be beneficial, as we’ve already gone through a number of issues that couples face after marriage – so when the time comes, we’ve already got the tools to work on it. There’s another thread called “Things you wish you’ve discussed before getting married”. Well, let’s say we’re taking our sweet time with those discussions, to make sure we really can make it for the rest of our lives 🙂 

Post # 57
Member
10817 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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VirginiaMarie :  

Well no way I would countenance   ‘dating’ for  12 years, or even 5 ,  if that means not living together but going out on dates,  maybe weekends  away etc . But if it just means living togther for ages before getting married, well we did that for years. In hindsight, I’d have got married sooner , I think ,can hardly  remember now!   

Post # 58
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

I recently watched year 16 come and go without a ring from my boyfriend. I try to be strong about it – some days are good and some not so much. I’ve watched my little sister get married and have a baby. I have seen both his younger brothers get married and have kids. His little sister is now engaged and is planning her wedding. 

My best friend will be engaged in a month from now – I helped pick out her ring 🙂 I’m truly happy for all of them but sometimes sad for myself. I pick myself apart and come up with reasons why girls get asked to be married but not me. It’s usually because they are prettier, skinnier and have a college education. Then I determine that I did nothing to make myself more enticing to anyone.

And it’s not a pity party – I accept it and move on. My boyfriend says it’s because he didn’t have the money but yet we purchased a house together last year. I’m not dumb – if he wanted to marry me he would have saved up and made it possible.

I hate going to his family functions.. I know his siblings lives are not perfect but it’s something I thought I would always have. I convince myself that I love my last name and I have the freedom that everyone doesn’t. Like I said – I have my ups and downs. 

And at this point – even if he got on one knee I would have to say no, right? I should have been worth more. Just needed to get that out.. 

Post # 59
Member
7995 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

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sophia1162 :  So why are you staying? Why have you stayed for 16 years? I am sorry you think so little of yourself, but there are men who would be anxious to marry you. Him not marrying you is about HIM and not about YOU (except for the part that you are staying and putting up with it).

Other people’s lives and decisions aren’t my problem unless they ask. In that case, I generally say that if both partners are aware of the rights and responsibilities they are giving up by not being married and they are okay with that, then bully for them.

I DO take issue with people who stay for years and years, have children and buy a house and then say that marriage has always been a “priority” for them. No, it wasn’t, otherwise you would have been married first before all the rest. So they break up the family that they CHOSE to create outside of marriage. I just think that’s a shame for everyone involved. Again, if people want to have children and own a home and live together without marriage, that’s great; entirely their decision and there’s nothing wrong with it. But to lament after many years that you have a child and a home and you want to be married when you could have insisted on that years ago before the child and the house? I just don’t understand it.

Post # 60
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2019

View original reply
VirginiaMarie :  nothing wrong with waiting. Statistically couples have a lower divorce rate when they marry after a certain age. No need to rush!

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