Dating for 3 months – a number of things bugging me, should I cut the cord now?

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall

ladyinred29 :  

– addicted to porn

– incompatible sexually 

– takes your money 

– you’re having doubts 

These reasons are more than enough for you to know that this just isn’t right for you. 

This should be a honeymoon phase, not the dark side of the moon. 

Post # 62
Member
10429 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

ladyinred29 :  

A broke, amoral, porn addict.  What a catch!

Bee, find quiet place to be alone.  Close your eyes, take three deep, deep breaths.  Breathe into your solar plexus; the place where we feel butterflies in our tummies. Then tune into that solar plexus of yours and listen.  It will never lie to you.

Post # 63
Member
10429 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

ladyinred29 :  

You’re a nurturing person, Bee. I get that. I dare say most of us get that. You are drawn to wounded animals.  Fine. How about channeling some of your beautiful capacity for love and caring into a volunteer position helping animals in need?

That would be much healthier and more constructive than continuing on with the reclamation project of a bf you have on your hands.

Reality check:  you cannot fix him, help him, or change him.  You don’t have the power to change anyone but you.  Nor do you have the right to change him. He has free will. His life looks asinine to most of us, but it’s his path.  He is the one who has to walk it.

Reality Check II: about your worries over breaking his delicate little heart.  We see this a lot on this board from good, loving women involved with dreadful partners.

Allow me to assure you that he is not a rare and precious little hothouse orchid.  He will not drop his blooms, wilt, and die. He may pitch a fake tantrum; or, depending on his innate level of laziness, deliver an Oscar-worthy performance, complete with a few man tears. Not because he cares so deeply for you.  It’s just easier to keep it going with you than to start over. 

Being a grown ass man still living with mommy and daddy strongly suggests to me that this guy is not exactly highly driven toward any life goals.

Or, he may shrug and walk away.

Here is where our dear Bees wrap themselves around their own axels—they fail to understand that guys like this don’t feel things the way we do. 

He is not going to be devastated, Bee. Ignore any floor show he may stage.

Reality Check III: now, to get to the real nub of the thing; have you taken any time to consider how come you have set your bar so low? As the other Bees have been saying, the positives you describe are the barest of minimums.

He only seems decent to you because the others were worse. 

We tend to repeat our patterns until we can bring our unconscious drivers forward into conscious awareness. Focus on getting yourself healthier, Bee, and you won’t give a guy like this two minutes of your valuable time.

Post # 64
Member
678 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

His financial issues are concerning enough, but porn addiction is particularly insidious in a serious relationship.

You’re only 3 months into the relationship, riding the high of new relationship energy, yet his porn-induced ED is so bad that he is already struggling in bed with you. And if I may postulate here: sleeping with his friend’s 18-year-old girlfriend points to a possibly broader sex addiction and compulsion based around novelty and youth. And while he technically wasn’t the cheater in that situation, his complicity in an act of infidelity against his friend doesn’t reflect well on him.

Imagine your relationship several months or several years down the line assuming his sexual dysfunction does not improve. Imagine it getting worse as the new relationship energy wears off, and he has a harder and harder time resisting the urge to relapse with porn and the fantasy of new 18-year-olds. 

If you are familiar with Reddit, I encourage you to visit the sub /r/loveafterporn and read some of the stories from women in relationships with men in various stages of recovery from porn/sex addiction. 

This isn’t something you can fix for him. I agree with PP that you sound like a compassionate and nurturing person, but please remember that this man is his own responsibility; you do not owe him anything, especially not your companionship at the expense of your financial security on top of your sexual wellbeing and self-esteem. 

Post # 65
Member
38 posts
Newbee

This guy should be alone for a while so he can work on his issues. If he already feels like he’s not good enough for you, at only 3 months, he’ll probably keep feeling that way. That’s not good for either one of you. Letting him go is probably the kindest thing you can do for him as well as yourself. 

Post # 66
Member
572 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

ladyinred29 :  oh man, I would have to cut ties.

 The cheating behind the friend’s back would be an absolute deal breaker for me. 

Money/ sex issues this early on are problematic, but can be worked on if both people are really committed –

but the other one is infidelity and lying on a scale that just spells rough waters ahead. 

I’m sorry, bee. 

You’re young. Don’t let “but I’m 28” be the limiting conversation that has you settle for less. 

Once you gain some distance and the oxytocin-bonding fades, I bet you’ll wonder what the hell you ever saw in this mess. 

“We’re the same person” is really not true – and I can say that without even meeting you. We project. We want to think someone else is like us. 

I can hear your empathy and I don’t think he is as kind as you think he is. 

Run, bee. 

Post # 68
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

I always think the first few months should be a whirlwind of amazing sex, fun, and enjoying each other. Of course not everything is going to be perfect but if there are already issues in the bedroom, it doesnt seem too promising. Also you seem to be an independent woman. It would personally be a turn off if a guy cannot handle his finances. I completely understand life happens and we all go through bad times but this is alot in the first months where you are getting to know each other. I think you should follow your gut and move on. Just my opinion. Good luck!

 

Sorry Just read your update. and oh no….yeah definitely stop talking to him. You did the right thing. Its better to be alone than to be badly accompany. You will find your person. Dont settle..especially for someone that makes you so uncomfortable. *Cringe* I would feel the same way.

Post # 70
Member
1153 posts
Bumble bee

I would see his suggestion to have sex as a last ditch effort to get laid, because he probably suspected this would be the last time you go on a date… so yea… gross. 

I don’t know what’s so nice about him, but I would say it’s not nice to suggest sex when someone just shared some concerns and doubts with you, it’s not nice when someone has taken you out for meals in the past and you never returning the favour (even as friends let alone dates). 

And I bet whatever you shared with him about you, there’ll be plenty more out there who are kind and accepting of it, he won’t be the only one. I really don’t think that should be something you consider unless this past is in the present.

Post # 72
Member
788 posts
Busy bee

Alright, I’ve read your post and update, and honestly I don’t think you have a guy problem. I think you have a ‘you’ problem. 

It goes without saying that you seem articulate, kind, and an all-around good person. But I think you do have an issue here that you seem to keep dismissing when you really should be working on it. You mention that in the bedroom you want to be a sub, and you can’t see yourself taking on a more dominant role because ‘it just isn’t you’. I see this attitude being mirrored in your daily life. You see yourself as passive and extremely nurturing…and while those are fine things to be, it can cause issues if that’s the only side of yourself that you develop. You are getting into trouble because you are reveling in the idea of your passive side and not growing as a person to become more assertive. That’s how you end up in relationships like this. This guy is a dud. You know he is a dud, you aren’t even in a formal relationship, and yet you are going back and forth on being with him. I don’t care how nice he is – relationships don’t work because people in them are NICE. The UPS dude is nice, the guy at Starbucks is nice, my grandma is nice but I’m not dating any of them. 

You need to redefine your definition of nice. Meaning that when you are breaking up with a guy and he asks you to meet up again, you say no, even if he cries, because you don’t want him to hurt longer than he needs to. When he suggests a walk, you say no and you go home, even if he begs, because you don’t want to give him hope. And if he suggests sex and you don’t want to and he’s annoying you, effing LEAVE, because he needs to learn how to properly interact with someone. Everything you have described in your update is NOT you being nice. It’s you being selfish and hurting someone more because you want to keep the version of you in your head that says you aren’t the bad guy, and you want to maybe keep the door open for him. That’s just cruel and unfair. The kindest thing you can do in these situations is cut the chord. It’s a different kind of nice, it doesn’t FEEL as nurturing, but in fact it’s higher level kindness. It’s love nirvana – doing what is best for him and allowing yourself to be the bad person so that he can heal and move on.

Being truly kind and nurturing requires strength of character, the ability to be assertive when necessary, and even be willing to be the bad guy for the sake of your and other’s mental health. I think that’s what you need to develop here before you can be in any kind of posititve relationship. 

Post # 73
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2020 - City, State

Sleeping with his friends girlfriend would be enough for me to leave! If he could do that behind a friends back, I’d be worried he’d do it to me! If I had that many concerns a few months in, I’d be out of there. It’s a new relationship, you shouldn’t have a list of things you’re unhappy with! 

Post # 74
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m sorry about your struggles with an STD, that must be really hard, I can’t imagine. I am glad you shared so we can all tell you how deserving of love you are no matter what. There is the right person out there who won’t care. 

This guy sounds like a creep. Pressuring someone for sex is never a good look. I honestly believe he did that to try to help his ego recover from you ending things. I’m sure he thought he could somehow make himself feel better with sex. That’s not a good guy. And the splitting everything down like that when you go out? Might be the most unattractive thing I’ve ever heard of. Seriously. Hang in there, you did the right thing ending it with him, and there is someone out there who will love you no matter what. Keep us updated bee.

ladyinred29 :  

Post # 75
Member
1046 posts
Bumble bee

ladyinred29 :  Having lived in the East of England myself at one point, I understand the small dating pool.  So much so that I went back to work on a Monday and listened to someone who worked for me describe her Friday night date.  I literally had the exact same date on Saturday night with the same person!  Right down to the creepy lit ‘mood’ candles all around his house….ugh!! Join some meet up groups, pick up a new hobby.  I took lots of cooking classes, language classes.  Go out with your girlfriend’s. Try some dating app’s.  It happens sometimes when you are not looking for it but are open to it.  If you are with someone, even half in, you will send off the ‘I’m not available signal’ and other people pick up on that. When you are single and looking you will see people you might have otherwise not noticed!  This is not the guy for you because there is too much inbalance in the relationship already.  It is great you can pay your own way but you can’t carry someone else entirely….time to rip the plaster off!  

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