Dating for 3 months – a number of things bugging me, should I cut the cord now?

posted 5 months ago in Relationships
Post # 76
166 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

This dude reminds me of my sociopath ex-boyfriend. 

Very nice guy, feels like we get along so well almost immediately- check (he said what I wanted to hear)
Broke and I paid for stuff -check
Promiscous behavior and past -check
Porn addiction – check (later I found out it was sex addiction too)
Inappropriate reaction when I broke up with him? -OH YEAH big ol’ check.

Please stay away from this person. At the age of 31 (I’m 33) he should be WAY MORE mature emotionally, financially and in every way. 

Post # 81
856 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

He’s an immoral wretch with bad sex and no money.  Obviously, he needs to go.  Why are you on the fence?

Post # 82
76 posts
Worker bee

ladyinred29 : it is very difficult because despite the fact that it doesn’t affect my health physically and I don’t really get any symptoms, it has a major impact on my mental health, it makes me feel like I am damaged goods and so hurt because I put my trust in someone and then this happens to me. It’s been nearly 7 years since I got the confirmation of it and time is a healer but I think subconsciously it affects how I date, when I find someone and tell them, and they accept it, I think my brain says “well you might never get another guy who accepts this so better make this one work”, as a result of that I hold on longer than I should even if I realise we aren’t a good match. I am aware of this but it’s difficult to break the cycle. Maybe I have no business dating. Thank-you so much for your kind words though I really do appreciate it.

I’ve commented a couple of times relating to some of the things you said and I can also relate heavily to this….are we the same person!??!?

Post # 83
880 posts
Busy bee

sassy411 :  sassy411 :  Thank you! I’m glad you focused on that rather than my improper usage of ‘cord’. I’m cringing here. 🙂

Post # 84
880 posts
Busy bee

ladyinred29 :  I think it can be difficult when you are more passive, because women are socialized to be and there’s a lot of acceptance and approval in it…until suddenly you are in a bad situation and everyone wants to know why you didn’t handle it more assertively. 🙁 

I think finding a good therapist would be the very best thing for you to help you learn some good techniques, finding a good book on learning to say no would be helpful too. Tons of people have this issue and you are not alone! Unfortunately in my experience, women who are too passive in relationships usually end up in bad or unfulfilling ones until they learn to be more assertive, usually later on in life unless they are lucky enough to find someone who doesn’t take advantage. That’s pretty rare in my opinion, because they tend to find themselves with less than stellar guys first and have a hard time leaving those relationships…so they spend years in a relationship that isn’t good enough. The fact that you can see this in you and are willing to take steps to fix it is a huge deal. With recognition comes the ability to make different choices. So let this ‘relationship’ be your first foray into making different choices! You got this bee!

Post # 85
3774 posts
Honey bee

ladyinred29 :  I’ve seen plenty of people with herpes (making an educated guess here). There’s nothing wrong with them except they came across a nasty virus. It should not make you a pariah. I know a woman much older than you who had this condition and found a really great (and rich) guy. 

Block this douche nozzle from your phone and your life. You’re cheapening your own self-worth by continuing to accommodate him. He’s a loser in the game of life. 

Post # 86
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

ladyinred29 :  Bees have said most of the stuff I would be likely to say, but wanted to address one thing in specific.

Almost. Everyone. Has. Herpes.

Almost. Everyone. 

In much the same way everyone has microscopic organisms that live on our faces and crawl out of our pores at night to poop. Kinda icky to think about, but virtually no impact on day-to-day life.

For example, I got herpes from my mom. While she breastfed me. I likewise gave it to my daughter via the same route. Anyone who has had chicken pox, shingles, a cold sore – they all have herpes. 

The weird stigma about the KIND of herpes a person HAS is utterly bizarre to me. And the only reason it matters is that if you have an active flare when pregnant, it’s important to schedule a c-section to avoid the possibility of infecting the infant in the birth canal and possibly causing blindness. 

A TON of people who have herpes don’t know it. They can literally never have a flare up – or, one so mild it’s written off as an annoying rash. With modern viral suppressants, it’s very possible to have a partner with a DIFFERENT KIND of herpes from yours, and never pass the kind you have to them. 

Ali Wong, while talking about HPV (another infection that is INCREDIBLY common, and widely maligned out of scope with its seriousness) “If you don’t have HPV, YOU GONNA GET IT. If you don’t have HPV, you’re a fucking loser.”

For a frank and medically sound conversation about breaking the stigma around herpes, I really reccommend this conversation between Dan Savage and Ella Dawson

I don’t say this to make light of the very real pain you have felt over this disgnosis. I say it as a person with herpes who ALSO GOT SUPER UPSET and cried and thought I was disgusting damaged goods for a long time after I found out. Then, after a talking to by a great supportive health care professional, and some research around practical infection rates, I realized there was nothing to be upset about because even though I have herpes, so do most other humans. 

You deserve better than the nonsense this guy is bringing to the table. Take your herpes out there in the world and find someone awesome who has it too.*

Hang in there. 

*Literally almost anyone.  

Post # 87
10459 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

ladyinred29 :  

You have wonderful self-awareness, Bee.  That will serve you well.

Post # 88
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2029

ladyinred29 :  Dating apps take time, took me quite awhile before getting engaged to my FH who I met online.  Outside of all his flaws, the money one really stands out.  You will grow resentful of paying for everything.  I dated a broke bum long distance.  I paid to visit him 99% of the costs.  He almost didn’t have enough for a $100 dollar plane ticket to see me (free food and stay for him) because he spent hundreds on dumb stuff like a month prior.  When he came over, I paid for almost everything and I started getting really peeved.  

This isn’t a man who will support you and you can forget about having a comfy life together as you will always be doing everything.  

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