(Closed) dating for 4 years. break up or get married?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
1070 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Maybe take a break? And don’t just move to your mother’s house. Move AWAY. To get away from my ex, I moved from Chicago to Honolulu to literally leave him.

Best thing I could have ever done.

My ex was an asshole though.

Post # 4
4767 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

You’re not an idiot it seems like you love the guy but you’re not in love with him. 

Post # 5
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Try not to stress too much. It sounds like you’re really thinking about it a lot and trying to force yourself into a decision you’re not ready to make. Is there a deadline looming? A clock ticking? It’s not polar opposities. It doesn’t have to be break up or get married. Relax and let yourself make a decision in your own time.

It’s been my experience that relationships are 10% compatibility and 90% timing. I dated a bunch of guys before I dated my FH and even considered marrying some. I always wondered why it didn’t work out and I realized it was because one of us wasn’t ready. In fact, FH and I broke up for a year about 2 years into our relationship. We got back together and things were so much better. We still waited another 1.5 years to get engaged though. We had to be ready. And when we were, it wasn’t because anything had changed. We were the same. Our relationship was the same. We were just…. ready.

So long story long, just relax. You’ll know when you know. Don’t rush yourself into making the wrong decision.

Post # 6
894 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

First of all, I’d like to mention that I am so sorry for the position you are in. It must be so difficult.

I personally do not think you should get married to this man. If you were meant to be with him forever and you truly loved him as much as one should love someone if they are going to spend their life with them, they wouldn’t consistently wonder if that person is right for them or not and they certainly wouldn’t have negative feelings about getting engaged to them. I personally feel, from reading this, that you have become more “comfortable” in this relationship, and that moving out is hard to think about more so from the perspective of losing your home and what you have known for so long rather than losing him. To me, it really sounds like you need to let go and move on for his sake if nothing else because everyone deserves to be loved fully and from what I’m hearing you’re really back and forth on if you even want to be with him. The last thing you want to do is have to say no or I don’t know if he asks for your hand in marriage. It’s a really horrible situation, but the longer you wait, the worse it will get, at least in my opinion. It’s much easier to make a clean break before engagements or weddings happen, rather than after. If you feel like you want to be with him and what I just posted made your heart sadden, or the idea of living without HIM, nothing to do with your home, or the comfort of what is familiar, then, only then would I suggest staying with him, because you should stay and love who you love, not what is easy or familiar. Love isn’t always fun to find or to keep and I am so sorry that you had to find a hard road to it. I hope that you know I only posted this with the best intentions. I really do hope that you find the answers you are looking for.

Post # 7
3697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

You should marry someone not because you can’t live without them, but because you don’t want to live one more day without them. 

I’m perfectly fine on my own.  I have a good job, I can drive myself, I can cook and clean, even mow the lawn and fix the garbage disposal.  I don’t need my husband.  But every day is so much better with him in it that I can’t imagine life without him.  It’s nice to have someone to take out the trash and put down the fertilizer, but I’d do it all if I had to in order to spend time with him. 

I felt the same way you do about my ex-boyfriend and I am so glad I left.  When it got to the point that the only future I saw was divorce (and that was best case), I knew I had to get out.  With my husband, we talk all the time about our future, our hopes and dreams and how we’re going to accomplish them together.  Long before we got engaged we were talking about when we had kids, when we got a bigger house, and it was just right.  There’s a difference between knowing the person is right and knowing it’s the right time to get married.  If your dreams for your future don’t include this guy, don’t worry about your stuff.  You can get more. 

Post # 9
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

If you have to ask, the answer is break up.

Post # 10
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I think you should read this

DEAR SUGAR, The Rumpus Advice Column #77: The Truth That Lives There


But there was in me an awful thing, from almost the very beginning: a tiny clear voice that would not, not matter what I did, stop saying go.

Go, even though you love him.

Go, even though he’s kind and faithful and dear to you.

Go, even though he’s your best friend and you’re his.

Go, even though you can’t imagine your life without him.

Go, even though he adores you and your leaving will devastate him.

Go, even though your friends will be disappointed or surprised or pissed off or all three.

Go, even though you once said you would stay.

Go, even though you’re afraid of being alone.

Go, even though you’re sure no one will ever love you as well as he does.

Go, even though there is nowhere to go.

Go, even though you don’t know exactly why you can’t stay.

Go, because you want to.

Because wanting to leave is enough.


Post # 11
858 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

It sounds like you want to leave him and you know you want to but your not leaving him.  I’m curious everytime you think about maybe leaving do you keep on saying? “Oh but we’ve been together so long and if I leave that means I’ve wasted all this time.”  If the answer is yes than I know why you haven’t left.  It’s because you fail to realize how much time you probably still have to meet someone new.  You have only spent 4 years of your life with him but if you don’t leave now chances are you’ll spend probably 2 more and than leave.  So instead of just “wasting” 4 years you’ll be wasting 6.

Just remember he deserves to have someone who wants to be with him.  I’m not saying your a bad person for not wanting to be with him.  I just find it unfair that you don’t want to be with him but you are with him.

Something you could do is be really mean towards him and break up that way.  He probably wont spend as much time being sad and missing you as he would if you let him down nicely.  However if you both have a lot of mutual friends that will probably be a bad idea because they wont like you anymore.

Post # 12
734 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I think people have doubts and fears, and its pretty normal. Doubts don’t necessarily mean that you’ve seriously thought about leaving, but sometimes its more of a “what if” situation.

Your situation, however, seems to be stronger than normal doubts and fears. It sounds like most of the time you really aren’t happy.

The “fairytale ending” idea is unreasonable, and it tricks people when they think that a relationship is going to be a constant amazing sex, no arguments, happy, perfect funfest. It messes people up. But again, I don’t really think it sounds like this is your situation.

Issues of the house, money, etc. aside, it sounds like you would be happier without him in your life – sorry to say. =/ But I think you already know that..

Best of luck!

Post # 13
2741 posts
Sugar bee

I totally get it. My last break up was somewhat similar, though I did have more reasons to leave than you do, it was easy to rationalize them away when I wanted to. What you said about being sure is EXACTLY what plagued me near the end. I’ve always been slow to fall in love, and don’t fall very hard for many people so part of me thought maybe that’s just how I am, but it drove me insane that I didn’t feel sure about anything. 

The thing is, a person can be a great person and still not be the one for you. My ex was a good guy, and I felt terrible leaving, but in the end it was the best for both of us. i met my fiance just a few months later and now I understand why I felt so unsure. I didn’t really know what a truly good relationship felt like, so I thought that one was good enough. Now that I’m in a GREAT one, I see the faults in our relationship more clearly. 

You’re not going to fall more IN love with him if you’ve been together four years, so as others have said – it’s best for both of you that you leave. It’s hard for a while, really hard, but you’re talking about your whole life here. You’ll feel acute pain for a limited period of time and then will have a chance at real happiness. OR you’ll feel a sense of low grade regret and existential dread for the rest of your life with him.. 

Cory Black :  is that… a joke? 

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