Dating for 8 years, still no proposal

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1830 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

The only thing you can do is sit down and have a real talk with him. Don’t be pushy or nagging or whatever, bringing it up here and there. You need to have a clear talk. Make a list of why you want to get married, and why he’s the one for you. Explain why you want to do it, and why it needs to be sooner rather than later.

As hard as it might be, laying it all out on the table is ALWAYS the best way to go. You need to make yourself abundantly clear and then put the ball in his court.

Post # 4
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

“I don’t want to bring it up for fear that I’m pushing an issue that he’s just not ready to confront”

It’s been 8 years. He knows by now if he wants to marry you or not, and you need to get on the same page with this. You deserve marriage if that’s what you want! You have put in 8 years, of course you want things to move forward.

Post # 5
Member
4193 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

How old are you two? What ages were you when your parents split up? I think both these answers have some importance.

Post # 6
Member
870 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I was in a similar position to you 7+ years together, into our 30s, and no proposal or even a plan in sight.

I think you need to evaluate your position–you need to have that talk with him about if your relationship is headed towards marriage, and if so what kind of timeline he had in mind. Then you need to ask yourself those same questions. If those answers don’t match up you will have to decide if you’re willing to stay with him without marriage.

Unfortunately, in my case I uncovered a really deep rooted issue around marriage for him and basically had to push him to decide if he wanted to be together or not because it was past time to make a decision.

Fortunately, he decided that he wanted to get married and we’re engaged now, but believe me–I had to get to that breaking point where I realized I needed to move on if he decided he was never going to commit.

Looking back on it I wish I had done it a bit earlier…

Post # 7
Member
5075 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

Remember that old saying..

why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

You’re clearly not happy – 

but keep in mind – getting married doesn’t guarantee a relationship will last.

Post # 8
Member
928 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think you should tell him how you’re feeling. You mentioned that he knows you’re ready for marriage and that he’s talked about it. Is there any way you guys can elaborate on this conversation?

I was in a similar boat – now Darling Husband and I had been together for 9 years and had lightly discussed a future but not marriage. Until one day I sent him a message and was like ‘I want to get married here one day’ his response? ‘Wait, you want to get married?’ Boys can be clueless like that sometimes…

Post # 9
Member
2775 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

@KatyElle:  This.  Unless you started dating at age 15 or something, after 8 years together, there is no such thing as “not ready”.

He needs to be shaken out of his comfort zone.  Sounds to me that while he may know you’d like to get married, he does not know that it is a deal-breaker issue for you (if that is in fact the case) and it’s time for you to have a real conversation where you let him know that you have dreams and goals for your life, marriage and children included, and that after 8 years he either needs to get on the bus or let it pass him by.

Post # 10
Member
14560 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I have friends who dated for 10 years before getting engaged and are happily married with kids.  My story is that I dated my x-bf for 7 years before we broke up, partly due to my fustrations of not moving forward and taking the next steps.  I sort of felt he wanted to be with me and maybe we’d eventually be married.. but something was always holding him back.  After we broke up and were talking again about things, I asked him what the problem was?  why didnt he want to get married yet knowing I was ready for years.  He said.. “he was waiting to make sure”.  Wow.  7 years and not sure?  I’m pretty happy to have ended things when I did… I think deep down I could sense this and it lended itself to an off feeling of insecurity in me.

Post # 11
Member
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

It’s nine years for me, and we just got engaged in December….BUT, we decided 4 years ago to buy a house instead of getting married…it was a better investment….

Then we got a dog.

Now we’re engaged.

I wasn’t in a rush though….I’m 32, he’s 37….and I thought buying a house together was more important than a wedding….

Post # 13
Member
9719 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

How is your relationship overall?  How satisfied are you with things like your careers, your sex life and your financial situation?  How is your communication with each other?  Do you share mutual friends and enjoy activities together?  Do you have fun together?  Would you describe your relationship as passionate and exciting? 

Sometimes some men have reasons they can’t actually put into words about why they can’t take that extra step with one woman, but then another comes along who has a spark of some sort and BAM – they get married almost immediately. 

Being together for 8 years isn’t enough of a reason to get married.  There has to be more substance to the relationship than that.  How would he feel about losing you if this is a dealbreaker for you?  You need to know these things.  You need to think about them. 

Why do YOU want to marry HIM?

Post # 14
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

Honestly, after 8 years, at your ages, if he isn’t ready now, its hard to know when or if he will be.  Don’t let him brush off the discussion – this is a big deal.  Take the ball back.  Own your life. 

Post # 15
Member
928 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@anonabon:  Are you me? Because I feel could have written this response a year and a half ago. Darling Husband had the same hesitations – finances. I think it was because he was under the impression that weddings needs to cost jillions of dollars and that immediately after getting married I’d want babies. Maybe start a conversation about finances and what your goals as a couple are and have the marriage talk spring from there.

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