(Closed) Dating for 8 years, still no proposal

posted 10 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
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353 posts
Helper bee

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kfarias1:  You’ll notice that this thread is three years old and the OP in fact did get engaged and is planning a wedding for this summer.

Post # 32
Member
1771 posts
Buzzing bee

Glad to hear you got engaged and will be getting married!  Yay!!

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by lovesbooks99.
Post # 34
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee

Such an expiring story! Here i am only two years in and im loosing it over an engagement!  Congrats 

Post # 35
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1 posts
Wannabee

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rebwana:  i have a similar situation so I was reading this. I am 24 we met when I was 16, but he thinks we are too young to get married

Post # 36
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549 posts
Busy bee

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anonabon:  Just proves they aren’t just waiting to drive us nuts. 😉 I’m so happy you’re getting your happily ever after and you’re content with how it’s not all come together. What a lavish and beautiful day it sounds you’ll get to have, all because you waited.

Post # 37
Member
857 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

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anonabon:  I haven’t read any of your updates (if there have been any), but have you considered proposing to him?

 

Just saw how old this thread was, congrats!

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by citysparkle.
Post # 38
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3 posts
Wannabee

Oops didnt realise this was so old

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by finnishbee.
Post # 39
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1 posts
Wannabee

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anonabon:  so it says your wedding was july of this year.. did you end up marrying SO from this thread?

Post # 40
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1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: December 2025

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anonabon:  I know exactly how you feel. im in the exact same position right now. I hope your problems have resolved. Basically instead of talking about it over and over  I have asked him to come back to me within the next 6 months with a timeframe for our relationship, marriage, children etc. If he has no timeframe after this time I’m gong to give him s final 6 months and move on. its sad because we have such a great relationship, but I’m in my thirties now and more than 7 years have passed. I’m not waiting forever. 

Post # 41
Member
6 posts
Newbee

Glad it did end up working out for the OP. I’ll share my (sad) story for perspective for anyone else that may be going through something similar…

Exactly 7 years with my beloved love of my life – after being in many long term relationships before him, I knew within 6 months in that he was the one. Yet marriage and children were never a big thing for me – I wasn’t even sure it was something I wanted. I was in my mid 20s, and we both were supremely career driven, so that was our main priority.

Years passed and we loved the hell out of each other. Truly amazing experiences, tons of fun, always were on the same page. Had some major setbacks involving careers and life stuff, but stuck it out and perservered together. We advanced and matured together and saw each other start to become what we always wanted to be. Two years into our 30s and I started to think about the future and plan in my head more of what we wanted out of it for ourselves. A house, perhaps children, thriving careers. But I didn’t see the same planning from him. Obsessed with his career, I slowly found that I was being prioritized less and less as he became more and more successful, even though I always remained independent and tried to not let it bother me. It was confusing. I knew he loved me endelessly, there was no question of that. Never any issues of trust or even remotely wanting to be with anyone else (either of us). I slowly discovered that marriage and children weren’t important to me until I realized they may never actually happen.

So we had the talk. Endless times. I told him I was starting to be ready. For our future. I needed to see some semblance of a plan. And he tried. He tried to plan and show me. And failed countless times. Talks of contributing to our savings account together and coming up with a down payment on a house were met with annoyance and rejection. And then profuse apologies and tears when he realized that annoyance and rejection was making me question our relationship. We couldn’t even pull the trigger on getting a dog that I wanted for us so badly. I’d get eye rolls when I’d comment on my friend’s children being cute. And then more apologies when I’d burst into tears. Then I got excuses from him. He’s not far enough in his career. He works in an creative and volatle enviornment and every focus needs to be on work. He doesn’t “Believe” in the peice of paper. Why do I even need the peice of paper when I know he loves and wants to be with me. He’s not “ready”. He’s “not sure” if he really wants kids. He’s “not sure” if we’re on the same page. He’s “not thinking” about the future. He can only think in the here and now.

We went back and forth for almost a year. I died a little bit inside every time trying to bite back my impatience and excersise extreme understanding and non-neediness. I’ve never been needy. I’ve always been independent as hell. The feelings of creeping rejection started to suffocate me. I just didn’t understand. We knew everything about each other. Our relationship was the best thing we’d both ever experienced. Being together was like being on top of a big rainbow with zero fear of falling. What was I missing?

Then the self-loathing began. Maybe if I was prettier. Maybe if I was skinnier. Maybe if I made better money. Maybe I’d lost my “spark”. Maybe he just didn’t love me anymore. Maybe I just wasn’t good enough. Maybe his new creative enviornment at work was more stimulating than me. It probably was.

The final straw was the creeping up date of our 7 year anniversary. He’d left for several weeks on business overseas (this was typical), and decided to go stay with his friend when he returned because it was obvious that space between us was needed. Upon his return, the date of our 7 years came, which also happens to fall around a fun fall holiday that we’d always spent together. On the night, he went to a party with his work colleagues, didn’t even agknowlege the date, and didn’t try to invite me along. A move so rare and out of his character that I realized I didn’t even recognize him anymore. Up until that point he’d always been very tender and concious of me. He was forcing my hand, because he was being cowardly and didn’t have it in him to do it himself.

I moved out a month later. The hardest thing I’d ever done. There were massive amounts of tears and regret from both of our ends, particularly from him. But in the end I don’t think his tears were actually over losing me. I think they were simply tears of recognition that he severely hurt me and wasted my time. Ultimately, he let me leave. 

Moral of the story, and the hard truth, is that sometimes people either simply fall out of love with each other, or don’t love each other enough, or have other prioriites or selfishness that take precident over the relationship. If you have irking feelings that he’s not on the same page, or that he may have problems with commitment, whatever it may be – your instincts are probably right. Sure he could have a realization, come around, change… it happens. It just didn’t happen for me. No amount of patience or waiting was going to change that fact. Now I’m into my mid-30s and coming upon the time when it may be too late to have a child. I don’t even want a child anymore if its not going to be his. I never wanted to be the woman to give my partner an ultimatum. I never wanted to be the one to push. I wanted things to happen naturally when we were both ready. But we weren’t ready at the same time. And I wish I would have thought about that and discovered it a lot sooner. In many ways, I wish I had been that woman. Be true to yourself, be true to your own inner needs and desires. Vocalize those desires as soon as you realize them. Don’t wait practically 8 years to realize them. I’m heartbroken and my (typically rock solid) self estreem is completely shattered, even now months later. Don’t be me. 

Post # 42
Member
87 posts
Worker bee

@anonabon wow I’m glad Ive stumbled upon this post. I can relate to your situation. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 7 years now. We are high school sweethearts. We live together and are raising our two small children. We have been through ups and downs. I love him deeply and I know I’m ready for marriage Throughout our entire relationship the topic has only come up only a handfull of times.. The topic has become more frequent lately because our parents and grandparents insist on it. Every time we discuss it he says he can’t afford to gve me the wedding I deserve and that he just rather go to the courthouse. I would love a traditional wedding and I just don’t see myself getting hitched in a courthouse. I know he loves me and wants to marry me the only concern I have is WHEN?? Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Post # 43
Member
5885 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

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lovestruck2016 :  um your situation is completely different than the OPs. Your guy wants to get married any time but at a court house because you guys already have a house and kids and he doesn’t want to pay tons of money for a lavish party. What’s the problem? Why are you asking “when” if he already said OK let’s get married? Just have a civil ceremony and host some friends/family after.  

Post # 44
Member
87 posts
Worker bee

@lifeisbeeutiful I related to her being that we both were in long term relationships and patiently waiting for a proposal. And quite honestly he says he wants to get married but he hasn’t put any thought into actually doing so. 

Post # 45
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee

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marieshopps :  I know you wrote this a while back, but wow.. I can relate completely. I am currently going through a very similar situation. You should read my blog post on here (‘boyfriend of 7 years delaying marriage’) but I have been so torn on what to do it’s making me so confused.. It’s been 7 years, no engagement yet and I just turned 33 and he is 40.. He is a workaholic and entrepreneur, building his own business that takes up literally 24/7 of his time, but the unique part is I have been working with him in the company all these years and we have an amazing work relationship and also super close bond/friendship. I’ve been super supportive and helping him build his ’empire.’ Our romantic side of the relationship really took its toll on me in the last couple years and he knows it since work causes so much stress and focus, and I’ve voiced it SO many times to him and he knows where I stand. It’s hard for him to separate work and personal right now and he keeps saying ‘eventually’ marriage will 100% happen, that he doesn’t ever make false promises and he wants me to hang in there till he has the biz and things ‘situated.’ I think the biggest hurdle though is the kids idea, he is just not ready for the responsibility of having kids on any set timeline, though he says he wants them, but not yet. He can only think of the here and now, not the future. He can’t be pressured or forced into anything, even though he loves me and wants to be with me forever. He’s happy with how things are, and we have lived together (also another long story bc it hasn’t been a normal lifestyle, all based on work conveniene). He doesn’t seem to get that as a woman, I’m on a timeline for that, and if we’re on different pages then that’s unfortunately where this is heading.. I love the company so much, I love him too, but I don’t know if I can sit around and wait any longer.. and it’s caused me to be mean and resentful at times to him which ends up being this cycle, because we still have to ‘fix’ certain aspects of the relationship before he can think of getting engaged. I have questioned a lot of things, and that’s part of the reason he also may be hesitant.. but it stemmed from him and my reaction to his lack of understanding my needs to be fulfilled. I don’t know, we do care about each other tremendously and I have spent nearly every waking minute with him day in and day out for 7 years.. so I understand how it can be so hard to let it all go! 🙁 Hope things worked out for you!

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