girltalk300 : Our situations sound identical. I wish I had an answer for you; I think the plain truth is that many times, men like ours just need (a lot) longer to feel established and comfortable enough in themselves and their careers to make the committment of marriage, no matter how much they love you. As the years passed in my relationship, I grew more and more scared that it was never going to happen at all, or at least by the time he was ready for it to happen, it would probably be too late for me.
That was ultimately what made me move out. I wish I could say that it ended there, but even now, a year later, him and I are still battling it out. He came back to me last summer and asked to try again, but I knew he wasn’t ready and by that time I had finally gained the acceptance of the loss of my relationship and was trying to enjoy single life. He was also beginning to go to a psychologist and I knew he needed time with a therapist to work through things. He’s still going through that process. We both have dated and (hate to say) slept around, since then. But we still haven’t shaken each other. It’s been a full year, and I still hear from him almost every day, and spend weekends with him here and there when he’s not tied up 24/7 with a project. But we’re not together. We’re not dating. I have no label for it, it’s such a grey space. It is evident that we still love each other, even after all these years and even after being “broken up” for over a year. We simply (He simply) just can’t get it together.
Letting it go was the hardest thing I’d ever done, and I regretted it daily, but still knew it was the right thing to do. We still get together and cry about it sometimes, believe it or not. The only thing you can control is your own actions and emotions. Pushing him only makes it worse. I regret pushing as much as I did in the end, even though I felt like I wasn’t pushing at all. If I’m being totally honest, looking back I wish I hadn’t put as much stake in potential marriage and kids as I did towards the end. He became hypersensitive to it becuase he knew I was getting there, which made it pressure even worse for him. Ultimately I just wanted him, and looking back I should have traded those ideas if I knew it meant totally losing him forever. But then I also know a deep resentment would have eventually set in as I realized that I was compromising myself and I would have probably ended up miserable anyway. Still in my relationship perhaps, but similarly alone and feelings of rejection every day. And that’s no way to live either. The worst feeling in the world is being in a supposed partnership, but still feeling very alone and lost. It’s the worst kind of loneliness. There is no right answer.
You have to decide what YOU want and need, and when. If he can’t give you that, unfortunately being in love and spending all the time that you did means nothing. It really sucks but being on the same page and timeline means everything. I was so bitter for a long time thinking about all the years I invested with him, supporting him, builidng up his artistic career, (I was basically managing him, and can confidently say that much of his current success is attributed to me. He admits this), all to get nothing in return besides the memories we shared. He’s now busy enjoying the perks of his success – private flights to vegas, holidays in Bali, weekend nights at the most exclusive spots in town. All without me. (Did you see the recent movie musical La La Land? The inner story of that one hit wayyy too close to home). And I’ve had to learn to accept it all. Acceptance and letting go of the anger is the only way I’ve been able to heal. I was definitely the “starter” girlfriend, and I highly doubt we’ll get back together, though he is no doubt the love of my life. I can only be thankful for the years that we did have and the love that we shared, and hang on to the hope that I will one day find it again with someone else.