(Closed) Dating for 8 years, still no proposal

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 46
Member
614 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

I was afraid too! Me and my bf are coming up on 4 years together and one day I just blurted out, “are you going to marry me or what?” THAT caught him off guard but I had built up this fear of asking and had played out the conversations so many times in my head that it just kind of came out like that.

We had a long chat and have confirmed that 2017 is the year he’ll ask. We have chosen the ring and everything. I am glad we had the talk because waiting and waiting while everyone on Facebook and at work are getting engaged (after 6 months to 1 year of dating) was driving me nuts.

Post # 47
Member
6 posts
Newbee

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girltalk300 :  Our situations sound identical. I wish I had an answer for you; I think the plain truth is that many times, men like ours just need (a lot) longer to feel established and comfortable enough in themselves and their careers to make the committment of marriage, no matter how much they love you. As the years passed in my relationship, I grew more and more scared that it was never going to happen at all, or at least by the time he was ready for it to happen, it would probably be too late for me. That was ultimately what made me move out. I wish I could say that it ended there, but even now, a year later, him and I are still battling it out. He came back to me last summer and asked to try again, but I knew he wasn’t ready and by that time I had finally gained the acceptance of the loss of my relationship and was trying to enjoy single life. He was also beginning to go to a psychologist and I knew he needed time with a therapist to work through things. He’s still going through that process. We both have dated and (hate to say) slept around, since then. But we still haven’t shaken each other. It’s been a full year, and I still hear from him almost every day, and spend weekends with him here and there when he’s not tied up 24/7 with a project. But we’re not together. We’re not dating. I have no label for it, it’s such a grey space. It is evident that we still love each other, even after all these years and even after being “broken up” for over a year. We simply (He simply) just can’t get it together.

Letting it go was the hardest thing I’d ever done, and I regretted it daily, but still knew it was the right thing to do. We still get together and cry about it sometimes, believe it or not. The only thing you can control is your own actions and emotions. Pushing him only makes it worse. I regret pushing as much as I did in the end, even though I felt like I wasn’t pushing at all. If I’m being totally honest, looking back I wish I hadn’t put as much stake in potential marriage and kids as I did towards the end. He became hypersensitive to it becuase he knew I was getting there, which made it pressure even worse for him. Ultimately I just wanted him, and looking back I should have traded those ideas if I knew it meant totally losing him forever. But then I also know a deep resentment would have eventually set in as I realized that I was compromising myself and I would have probably ended up miserable anyway. Still in my relationship perhaps, but similarly alone and feelings of rejection every day. And that’s no way to live either. The worst feeling in the world is being in a supposed partnership, but still feeling very alone and lost. It’s the worst kind of loneliness. There is no right answer.

You have to decide what YOU want and need, and when. If he can’t give you that, unfortunately being in love and spending all the time that you did means nothing. It really sucks but being on the same page and timeline means everything. I was so bitter for a long time thinking about all the years I invested with him, supporting him, builidng up his artistic career, (I was basically managing him, and can confidently say that much of his current success is attributed to me. He admits this), all to get nothing in return besides the memories we shared. He’s now busy enjoying the perks of his success – private flights to vegas, holidays in Bali, weekend nights at the most exclusive spots in town. All without me. (Did you see the recent movie musical La La Land? The inner story of that one hit wayyy too close to home). And I’ve had to learn to accept it all. Acceptance and letting go of the anger is the only way I’ve been able to heal. I was definitely the “starter” girlfriend, and I highly doubt we’ll get back together, though he is no doubt the love of my life. I can only be thankful for the years that we did have and the love that we shared, and hang on to the hope that I will one day find it again with someone else. 

Post # 48
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

After a year and a half of dating, he brought up buying a house together (I know that seems short but we were practically living together and we are older and he had two kids so I wanted to know are we going to be a real family or not), I finally put it to him “Are we going to get married soon or not?”.  Because I didn’t want to buy a home, merge everything, be stepmom to his kids, put up with his horrid ex wife, etc., without it.  So it was the circumstances, not the time.  I told him I’d like to be married within a year, and if not, I’d like to find someone who will marry me.  I also said I didn’t have to be married before getting the house, but I definitely wanted to be engaged by then.  Buying a home just seemed to be too big a step for me to do with a boyfriend. 

Some people might think that’s an ultimatum, but it was how I felt.  He promised me he’d propose by fall (this was spring) and he proposed within a week.  I think he rather would have waited another year, but he is so slow to move on things in general, and now that we’re married, he is perfectly happy.  He said he wanted me in his life no matter what and if that meant marriage, that’s what it was going to be.  Maybe try telling your boyfriend these kinds of things, with your reasons, and he might understand how you feel.  If he’s not ready immediately, maybe he can give you a deadline like mine did.  The deadline definitely calmed me down because I did trust him to follow through.  I just needed to know that it would definitely happen and not just “one day”. 

 

Post # 49
Member
6 posts
Newbee

girltalk300 :  Our situations sound identical. I wish I had an answer for you; I think the plain truth is that many times, men like ours just need (a lot) longer to feel established and comfortable enough in themselves and their careers to make the committment of marriage, no matter how much they love you. As the years passed in my relationship, I grew more and more scared that it was never going to happen at all, or at least by the time he was ready for it to happen, it would probably be too late for me.

That was ultimately what made me move out. I wish I could say that it ended there, but even now, a year later, him and I are still battling it out. He came back to me last summer and asked to try again, but I knew he wasn’t ready and by that time I had finally gained the acceptance of the loss of my relationship and was trying to enjoy single life. He was also beginning to go to a psychologist and I knew he needed time with a therapist to work through things. He’s still going through that process. We both have dated and (hate to say) slept around, since then. But we still haven’t shaken each other. It’s been a full year, and I still hear from him almost every day, and spend weekends with him here and there when he’s not tied up 24/7 with a project. But we’re not together. We’re not dating. I have no label for it, it’s such a grey space. It is evident that we still love each other, even after all these years and even after being “broken up” for over a year. We simply (He simply) just can’t get it together.

Letting it go was the hardest thing I’d ever done, and I regretted it daily, but still knew it was the right thing to do. We still get together and cry about it sometimes, believe it or not. The only thing you can control is your own actions and emotions. Pushing him only makes it worse. I regret pushing as much as I did in the end, even though I felt like I wasn’t pushing at all. If I’m being totally honest, looking back I wish I hadn’t put as much stake in potential marriage and kids as I did towards the end. He became hypersensitive to it becuase he knew I was getting there, which made it pressure even worse for him. Ultimately I just wanted him, and looking back I should have traded those ideas if I knew it meant totally losing him forever. But then I also know a deep resentment would have eventually set in as I realized that I was compromising myself and I would have probably ended up miserable anyway. Still in my relationship perhaps, but similarly alone and feelings of rejection every day. And that’s no way to live either. The worst feeling in the world is being in a supposed partnership, but still feeling very alone and lost. It’s the worst kind of loneliness. There is no right answer.

You have to decide what YOU want and need, and when. If he can’t give you that, unfortunately being in love and spending all the time that you did means nothing. It really sucks but being on the same page and timeline means everything. I was so bitter for a long time thinking about all the years I invested with him, supporting him, builidng up his artistic career, (I was basically managing him, and can confidently say that much of his current success is attributed to me. He admits this), all to get nothing in return besides the memories we shared. He’s now busy enjoying the perks of his success – private flights to vegas, holidays in Bali, weekend nights at the most exclusive spots in town. All without me. (Did you see the recent movie musical La La Land? The inner story of that one hit wayyy too close to home). And I’ve had to learn to accept it all. Acceptance and letting go of the anger is the only way I’ve been able to heal. I was definitely the “starter” girlfriend, and I highly doubt we’ll get back together, though he is no doubt the love of my life. I can only be thankful for the years that we did have and the love that we shared, and hang on to the hope that I will one day find it again with someone else. 

Post # 50
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

I should also mention that I told him I didn’t need a ring or a big wedding.  It was just about the commitment and nothing else.  I think that calmed him down too.  He proposed with a hug and we got a $75 ring later :).  Much closer to the wedding, I got a bridal set (plain band plus solitaire) that I am in love with and only cost $800 total.  We had a small family wedding that cost $3000, including my dress.  So I kept my word too.

Post # 51
Member
681 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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Snow00774 :  lol omg that proposal tho!

Post # 52
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

Now with him for seven years and still no engagement ring and  and no  wedding proposal either. I’ve been with him for seven years and he had a wife that he left to be with me. He separated his self from the home that they lived in together with their son he even told her as I listened that he was in love with me and that I was the one he wanted to be with. It was very awkward because she was a very very nice lady  but it was explained to me the very beginning and when he was making it clear about how he felt that she was aware of how he felt about me and that he wanted to leave the marriage. About six months ago she passed away and we have been living together now for seven years.  He bought me a ring a couple years back but he never gave it to me officially and asked me to marry him with it. We were in an argument and to prove to me that he was serious about marriage with me he pulled it out of the closet and showed it to me. Again it never made it to my finger. Now  today is my 39th birthday and I woke up this morning crying my eyes out in the bathroom as I shower to get dressed for the day. He came into the bathroom because he heard noises and thought I was crying , I played it off though by putting in my contact  lenses and my eyedrops. I still believe he knew that I was crying. I was crying because my heart was aching so badly that at 39 years old I still haven’t managed to get married to the man that I love and that who loves me and my children. That has been him for the past seven going on eight years now. I don’t even know how to live without him but I’ve got to be honest because he’s had  Valen times day after Valentine’s Day Christmas after Christmas and birthday after birthday and also our anniversary after anniversary and he has never proposed to me and I feel completely lost as if I don’t know where I belong anymore. Please help. Please give me some encouraging words on what to do about a situation like this because it hurts too much to continue  .

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