Post # 1
Hi my lovely Bees,
So I was set up on a blind date about three weeks ago and the guy is super nice, we have good conversations, deep thinker, smart, career driven and he is funny. Anywyas, last night we got to talking about our family backgrounds and what it was growing up wtc. He told me his dad had a bad drug problem and passed away from OD. He saw his dad pick up illegal substances as a child and the mom enabled all that. I asked him if he had male rode models in his life and he sai d”not really, after my dad went to jail it was only my mom and I” I do not want to judge him but as I have previously dated men w/o father figures (see my last ex bf) Im afraid to take the chance with him. This man also said he was with his ex for 10 years and never proposed because she was too wild to settle down with. Am I overthiking? Is the father figure or any male role model thing a big issue?
Thank you Bees 🙂
Post # 2
orchid990 : My husbands father is a piece of shit who’s been in and out of jail his whole life, he doesn’t speak to him and I’ve never met him. My Mother-In-Law had different men in and out of her life, some that abused my husband and his siblings. That said, my husband is kind, super succesful, intelligent, caring, the list goes on.
Plenty of people have great fathers or male role models and are still shitty partners, I would never not date someone strictly because of that.
Post # 3
I always say, don’t punish the new/next guy for the previous guys mistakes/issues.
Post # 4
Wow I find this incredibly sad. I have never really had a stable dad who was a part of my life, same for one of my younger brothers and if someone didn’t want to be in our lives because of some stereotype that isn’t our fault I would say good riddance.
Plenty of people have different types of family set ups and you can’t go through life writing people off because of their backgrounds!
If your ex was an asshole it wasn’t exclusively because he didn’t have a father figure. How would you feel if this guy didn’t want to have a second date with you only because of your absent father?
Post # 5
orchid990 : I have a mentally ill mother, if someone wants to disregard me because I’m too risky, instead of getting to know me and seeing how much I’ve over come, then whatever.
His actions and his behaviors will speak more about him than the fact that he had an absent father.
It’s up to you if you don’t want to give him a chance, but writing him off because he opened up to you about his childhood rubs me the wrong way
Post # 6
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
It depends entirely on that man as an individual. My fiance did have a father figure in a relatively stable home, but still has a good bit of emotional trauma because of the way his father is. So it’s totally circumstantial. A lack of a father figure is difficult for men to overcome, but you can’t use that as a base judgement for whoever is sitting across the table from you.
Post # 7
I don’t think you’re focusing on the right thing here.
Plenty of men have shit role models growing up–some succumb to being shitty themselves, some don’t, some have pockets of trauma of which they’re either aware or not. I don’t think it’s a good *general* predictor. It sounds like the red flag is his 10-year relationship and the strange way he described his ex.
My SO has a fine relationship with his dad, but according to him, he wasn’t much of a father while he and his brother were growing up. He was kind of flighty and seemed to have much more of a teenaged boy mentailty than that of a 30-40-something man. Both my SO and his brother are incredibly well-adjusted, dedicated men with an amazing sense of self-awareness. Both have recognized a bit of their trauma and have been to therapy for years about it.
Post # 8
zzar45 : I apologize if this post made anyone feel less than, thats not at all what this is about. I understand that many of us have struggled one way or the other. I think I should rephrase it by “what should I expect?” I come from a two parent home that was very stable sort of the “american home” by no means perfect but my parents were very present and loving. When my broithers got into long term relaitonships , my dad was akwyas the first one to tell them to respect and love thier gf and to honor them by marriage and faithfulness. Both of them got married and my dad is a constant source of wisdom to my brothers and myself. I know I should judge anyone by a different lifestyle or family. I guess this just stems within me because I dont like to “waste ” my time. But most importantly, I apologize to you and everyone else that felt hurt by my post.
Post # 9
hickoryhills : Yes I feel thats the case in this situation , but I dont know to what extreme. I just want to avoid as much emotional baggage as possible.
Post # 10
Oh come on now. There are plenty of lesbian couples and single moms out there raising perfectly happy, healthy, well adjusted men.
It sounds like he does have baggage due to a traumatic childhood, but I don’t see how the gender of his role model has anything to do with it.
Post # 11
Westwood : Role model** Any gender or identity counts as long as they have a positive role model.
Post # 12
orchid990 : You sound very sheltered and naive.
Post # 13
orchid990 : Seriously?
Without even getting to know him as a person, you are considering breaking this off because his dad wasnt a great role model?
People can have role models and still have issues, be shitty people, have insecurities, drug habbits etc.
Post # 14
You haven’t offended me I just find it incredible that you actually hold such a view. Surely you realise that just because someone doesn’t have a male role model doesn’t mean they can’t be well adjusted? What about kids who’s fathers die? Or their parents are lesbians?
Asking “what should I expect?” Isn’t much better, surely you can understand that people and their circumstances are all different and all men who’s fathers are drug addicts will not all act the same? orchid990 :
Post # 15
orchid990 : Absolutely no one can tell you how it’s going to play out based on his childhood. So long as the dates are going well and you enjoy his company let it play out and see where it goes. However if you want to avoid emotional baggage you may be better off as a hermit. EVERYONE has emotional baggage – some people just hide it better.