Dating Men w/o Father Figures…?

posted 1 month ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
1089 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

orchid990 :  It’s only a problem if they are not addressing any issues they have from it. It is entirely possible for a person who had a troubled childhood to grow into a healthy functioning adult. I wouldn’t make any judgements until you know more about him and how this affects him. 

Post # 32
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

If you’re only going to date guys with good father figures and stable families that is going to be a very short list. Out of all of my friends only a few have good dads. Most are uninvolved, some are alcoholics, and a couple are abusive (mine and my DH’s included).

Post # 33
Member
1921 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

orchid990 :  No, I wouldn’t dump a man because, through no fault of his own, he didn’t have good male/fatherly role models. I would stop dating a man who’s shown a history of effectively stringing someone along for 10 years. If she was too wild to marry, why did he stay with her? The only possible explanation was he was fine with the status quo and didnt care that his girlfriend was not what he defined as marriage material, and therefore he wouldn’t get married as long as he was with her. 

Post # 34
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

no, i would not.  my dad suffered some issues with alcoholism and depression and if anything, it has made me more mature, a better communicator, and a better spouse. 

Post # 35
Member
4522 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

orchid990 :  I’d be more concerned that he dated someone for ten years that he has such a low opinion of to the point that he didn’t want to settle down with them… That to me speaks of someone who doesn’t know what they want or isn’t too good at judging character. That seems like a bigger flag to me and I that is something I’d personally focus on before I’d consider dating him seriously. A lack  of a male role model isn’t something I’d be focusing on here. 

Post # 36
Member
211 posts
Helper bee

I’d personally judge this man for who he is, not for who his parents were.  

That said, if you can’t gets past it–move on.  People have declined second dates for much more superficial reasons than that.  He’ll be fine and so will you.

Post # 37
Member
786 posts
Busy bee

My husbands father died when he was young. Am I supposed to dock him points for that? 

Post # 38
Member
558 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

 I think the real red flag is that he was with an ex for 10 YEARS but “didn’t propose” because she was too wild to settle down with. What does “too wild” mean? Free spirited? Not a Stephord wife? Irresponsible? Heroin addict? Also, why did this relationship last so long only to meet a dead end? Did they ever discuss marriage? Was he stringing her along? 

I find it ironic that some bees are judging you for being judgy. You’re not saying, “Omg this man doesn’t have a male mole model so he is inferior to me.” You’re seeing a commonality between this man and an ex, and you’re trying to get some input.

I say try to keep an open mind, take things slow, and get more info from him with tact. This woman was “too wild” to marry but just good enough to date for 10 years??? If the relationship was bad, he should have gotten out sooner. He is not Prince William. He does not get to wait that long before proposing. 

Post # 39
Member
1523 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Location

You say it’s not judgemental but it 100% is. You’re expecting problems from this poor guy who might be a solid human having overcome a rough upbringing. This isn’t his fault. Lots of people have issues and came from what you would call a solid family home. That doesn’t guarantee anything.

My husband’s dad is an asshole but he still had a great life thanks to his mum. Why would I cast him aside for that? Now that we’re expecting he is set on being the best father ever and I know he will be ESPECIALLY because of his history; he knows how shitty it feels for the kid to have an uninterested father and would never want that for his own child. What’s wrong with that? 

Post # 40
Member
2089 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Both of my parents are severely mentally ill. I’ve still managed to have a somewhat stable adulthood. Some kids are more resilient than others. There is research being done on resilience. Why do some thrive while others don’t make it? I found support from other adults in my life who supported me. I had role models like teachers and youth leaders. I wouldn’t discount someone because of a lack of a positive father figure. 

Post # 41
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2019

What everyone else said..

And I know people from great families who are shit people. I also know people from shit families who are awesome and used their bad experience to be better people. 

You sound super judgmental.

Post # 42
Member
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

I grew up with a narcissistic mother and my father was military and spent most of my childhood away because my mother wouldnt move with him. I have been told that Im a great mother even though I didnt have a good role model and my cousins grew up in a two parent home with all the love a person could ask for and both of them are on their 4th husbands, respectively. 

Just because one didnt grow up in a family with two parents and kids doesnt mean they are damaged in some way.  I cant imagine holding that against someone. 

“So your mom is a narcissist? Sorry Im looking for a possible wife and mother and since your mother wasnt a good role model, you are out.” Sounds stupid doesnt it?

Post # 43
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2020

I get why you asked as I’m aware there is a stigma surrounding the lack of a strong male/father figure, but I would advise you please not assume – It’s so, 100% based on the individual. Some men may be put at a disadvantage – my SO was badly abused (physically and verbally) by his alcoholic father until he finally grew bigger and taller and was able to refuse any further contact with him – but my guy is incredibly caring and considerate, a strong man and a moral person. He’s attributed much of his formation to the military but I still think the indiviudal character plays a big part.

If you have good feelings, there aren’t red flags, you can see a future and you’re compatible, why would’t you give him the same shot you would a guy who had a strong father figure and a good home life?

Post # 44
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee

I’m going to be completely controversial and say don’t bother with this guy, it’s only one date. Mainly because of his history of a super long relationship and no marriage (always a red flag to me that the guy is willing to drag his feet but not exit the relationship if it indeed was not working, ie time waster). 

Regarding his upbringing, sometimes not having a father is better than having a bad one.

But you know what, I don’t feel bad being judgemental when it comes to dating. This is someone you’re looking to build a life with some day, it’s not a friend or acquaintance (whom I agree no one should judge them or their experience). Having dated too many guys with bad family influence (either dad or mum) and still live the trauma, and they recognise this is the case, but they behave exactly like the “bad parent”. The thing was also that these guys had such different family values as me, I have a great father figure and I’m close to both my parents (though they are divorced), they didn’t want anything to do with their parents and didn’t understand my point of view / my relationship with my parents. 

One of my “new criteria” after my last relationship was that the guy must have a functional, good relationship with his parents. I just can’t deal with another guy who doesn’t speak to his dad (or mum but usually it’s dad), has no relationship (or even hate) their siblings, and has a chip on his shoulder about it. Like, I was 30 and couldn’t afford to waste more time on a guy in the name of “benefit of the doubt”. 

Very lucky I met Darling Husband shortly after who has a great relationship with his family (and I do too). Not saying this approach is right or wrong, but it was right for me. And I don’t think you should feel bad about at least considering the guys upbringing (not saying you should write him off because of it, but it’s an important part of a person).

Post # 45
Member
22 posts
Newbee

My son is an amazing father to his 11 year old son , and is a thought caring husband to his wife as well as an excellent provider .    His dad was a drunk . The last time my son saw him alive was when he was three years old , and then he died of alcholism when my son was 20 years old .   On a last note , my son may have three or four beers in a month . Could not be more proud of him .

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