Dating Men w/o Father Figures…?

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
630 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

My son grew up without his father in his life.  He is 29 years old and approaching 10 years in the army.  He has served in Afghanistan and Iraq.  I will be sure to pass along your heartfelt thanks to him for protecting your right to get on an internet message board and say that he isn’t good enough to date you.

Post # 47
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

My husband’s father left when he was only a few months old. He was a pot smoking alcoholic who wanted to live in the woods in Pennsylvania. His step dad is an emotionless abusive dictator who uses his money to keep his family around.

my husband makes a livable wage, doesn’t have any substance use problems, and has the biggest heart I’ve ever seen in my entire life. 

He’s been able to separate himself from both of them and become his own person. My husband attended therapy later in life, but as a teen/ young adult he was very independent and was determined to make a name for himself completely free from his father figures(or lack there of).

Sometimes, the apple can fall very far from the tree. 

Post # 48
Member
81 posts
Worker bee

This post actually kind of hurts my feelings lol! I know it wasn’t the intention, and I do get the reservations.  But unlike your friends and social circle, you don’t choose your family or your parents.  I don’t really speak to my dad either and never really had a strong male role model – and I think I’m a pretty good person who appreciates a good relationship.  Are there maybe some subconcious things I don’t even realize? Maybe! But I think it’s extremely hurtful to potentially pass on someone because of their family history which they had no choice in life.  It’s also possible that him seeing what a piece of sh*t his dad is has made him into a better person.  

Post # 53
Member
5564 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

orchid990 :  You can act surprised, but you did start a post negatively judging a section of society based on some family circumstances that are completely out of their control.  

You obviously cannot judge a whole body of people based on something like that, does that really shock you? 

Im passing on this person because I can tell he doesn’t have a plan for his life or career at the moment. 

Interesting follow up, and a complete contradiction to your opening line “deep thinker, smart, career driven and he is funny”. 

Post # 55
Member
6605 posts
Bee Keeper

What a weird post. I agree with zzar though, your reasons for “passing” on him seem totally false given your OP. 

Good luck dating only people with the same closedminded, white, picket fence upbringing as you. 

Post # 56
Member
81 posts
Worker bee

Eek! I was sort of kidding about it “hurting my feelings”.  I’m not really offended, honestly – more now just wondering if guys think that way about me when I say I don’t speak to my dad, which I never thought about before and would really suck

Post # 58
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

My first boyfriend’s father passed away when he was in his late teens and he then had to help take care of his rather difficult younger siblings and also help his mum battle addiction. He is a wonderful person: gentle, great communication skills, extremely respectful of women, completely uninterested in taking part in the drinking sprees of other young men in his social circle. We didn’t work out but if I’d been a little older, I’d have married him.

My best mate only saw his father occasionally thoughout his childhood and he’s a wonderful person. He’s got some issues but none of them have anything to do with his dad not being around. 

 

Get to know a guy properly…

Post # 59
Member
5564 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

The whole point of your post was judging him, your post was basically “I went on a blind date, the guy was great but he doesn’t  have a father figure, should I see him again?”. 

You can date whoever you want or reject whoever you want but don’t pretend your reasons were not judgmental. With limited information it seems ignorant to assume he strung someone along just because they dated for 10 years and never married, why would you place the blame on him? Two people dating for 10 years without marriage are both making that choice. It is also ignorant to assume that there is something wrong with him due him not having a father. 

Being in a ten year relationship and not having a father are not red flags on their own, that just seems obvious.

orchid990 :  

Post # 60
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

orchid990 :  As a person coming from a two-parent home with both parents biological, I completely understand where you’re coming from. My family has had plenty of challenges. I do agree after seeing my own dad’s presence in mine and my brother’s lives, compared to the lack of my husband’s father’s presence, that dads are important. I put my dad on a pedestal for my husband to look up to sometimes because my husband respects my dad more than his own, although each family is unique. I think my husband has become a better dad with encouragement and emphasis on how important dads are to a family.

I definitely do think he has more challenges having an absent father of his own. It is something to be mindful of. There is no harm in considering this. For instance, my husband grew up with his mom paying more bills than hid dad. Ironically, my husband expects me to hold a high profile position and be a mother. I see where this comes from and understand now that I know his family dynamics. Get to know the person you’re with first so you’re not surprised later or stuck with something you don’t want. 

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