(Closed) Dating men with kids

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
3225 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

As someone with two stepparents, I feel it is really unfair for someone who is CBC (so presumably does not have any desire to fill a parental role in a child’s life or interest in children) to date someone with kids. Kids don’t understand why this new adult in their life doesn’t care about them. And I think it’s wrong for a man with kids to put a new partner above all else – his children should be #1. It’s unfair across the board for someone who doesn’t want kids to be involved with someone who has them. And the thought that women who end up with men with children would actually say, “I wish he wouldn’t have had the kids?” So sad. Just makes me thankful both my parents ended up with people who played an active role in our lives and continue to care about us to this day despite the fact that my brothers especially were NOT easy to live with as teens. 

Post # 32
Member
6933 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

suelady:  I met my Darling Husband on a dating site… He listed that he had an awesome 5 year old. On our first date, I asked him about the situation… They never went to court for custody, the mother is engaged with another child and a third on the way. It seemed like an ideal situation. It was!

We can’t say were are zero issues. I had a hard time understanding his and my stepson’s mother’s relationship, and he was pretty secretive about it at first. He thought I was jealous, I just wanted to know what I was signing up for since they co-parent so closely.

It all worked out well. Her and I get along very well… This past mother’s day she wrote me a beautiful card and helped my stepson get me gifts! Her best friend also threw my bachelorette party 🙂

My best advice would be… Don’t bypass a good opportunity because of one unfamiliar factor. I love my stepson so much… I’m extremely involved in his life. Even in my vows I mentioned that his love made my love for his father stronger. It really was a perfect situation in the end.

I should add… We almost broke up a couple times our first year together because I’m in grad school, and if I wanted to continue with academia, I would have to move after school. I changed my career goals around after a year, and I’ve never been happier. After a year, it wasn’t the least bit difficult to make that decision.

Post # 33
Member
589 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

As someone with a wonderful step-dad (who I consider to be my dad – he’s been in that role since I was 4 years old) I feel very strongly if you are going to be involved with someone who has young kids and have a future with them, the children need to be a big part of that. My mom told my dad from day one that if he didn’t have a relationship with me and love me on his own, not just as an accessory that came in the package in order to be with her, that she wasn’t interested. And over the course of their early relationship she paid close attention to how we interacted, how he took on parental responsibilities with me etc. 

I feel like a good father would require that the woman he’s with make an effort to have a relationship with his child and take on a parental role. If your CBC I would imagine that doesn’t fit in with your image of a future and so I would recommend not dating men with young children. If his children are grown and already raised that might be different because you wouldn’t be required to take on a parental role and contribute to raising them. 

Post # 34
Member
1810 posts
Buzzing bee

To offer another perspective–I never wanted kids. I still don’t. That’s not to say that I don’t like them, but I just have never been gung ho about having that respnsibility for myself, 100% of the time. But my husband’s 5 year old is a great opportunity for both of us. We have 50% custody so the way I think about it is everyone wins. I get the experience of helping raise my stepdaughter but I get a break every other weekend where he and I can just enjoy our relationship. He gets the experience of having a child because he always wanted one. And when we are together it is a lot of fun (most times LOL). I love my husband even more because he is such a great father and my own father is so important to me. It means a lot that he’s so involved with her.

Post # 35
Member
1740 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I had my daughter when I was 20, she left home when I was 38.  When I found myself (or, more correctly, when I put myself) back on the dating scene at age 39 I originally didn’t want to date anyone with kids still at home.  But I found that to be hard because most of the men close to my age had younger kids, and the few that I found that didn’t….well, it became pretty apparent pretty quickly why they were approaching 40 and still single and childless.  

So I relaxed my rules a little and for about 6 months I dated a man who had three kids ranging in ages 11-15.  I liked the kids, and the kids liked me.  They were good kids – the older two were straight A students, respectful, all around good kids.  The youngest was a little more spoiled, but still generally a good kid, and he made me laugh.  So no problem there.

But the PP who said that it was important that her husband make her the top priority hit the nail on the head.  Our problem was that the kids pretty much dictated everything.  We didn’t live together so I would often just stay or go home, but when you’re trying to build a relationship, it’s hard if the kids can cause your plans to get canceled last minute at any time.  The kids’ mom lived down the street from him, so they would bounce back and forth, and on the nights that they were supposed to be at the mom’s house we would plan a night out to eat, for example.  But the oldest, a girl, would often decide at the last minute that she didn’t want to go to her mom’s, mostly because she was a 15 year old girl, and as we all know, mother-teenage daughter relationships can be complicated.  So if she decided that she was going to stay with her dad that night, our dinner plans either got canceled, or got changed to include her, even to the point that we would change restaurants to whatever restaurant she wanted to eat at.  At first I went along with it because I was the new girlfriend.  But after 4 or 5 months?  No, I was over it.  We rarely got alone time, and no matter how much I liked the kids, every adult relationship needs alone time.

My Fiance has 2 kids, but they are the same age as my daughter – grown and out of the house.  I get along great with his son, and until he graduated last semester, we were even grad students at the same school, in the same department (but diffferent concentrations).  His daughter doesn’t like me, but not because of anything I’ve ever done — she is mad at him for leaving her mother, even though it’s been almost 5 years ago now (I did not know him when he left his ex-wife, and so I was not the “cause” of the divorce) — and so she doesn’t talk to him either, except to text Merry Christmas or happy birthday.  So whatever – it’s her choice to behave as she wants to, and it really doesn’t affect us.  My daughter likes my Fiance very much and she also gets along well with his son.  So no problems there.  I know that I am my FI’s priority, and he is mine, and that’s all that matters.

Post # 36
Member
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

sassy411:  You’re totally right. I suppose I was more so referring to dating men who are still actively raising underage kids. No, thanks! LOL. But adult children are a whole other ballgame. If I ever find myself without my FH in the future (God FORBID!) I don’t think I would have any problem dating men with adult children as long as the parent/adult child relationships were healthy. Teenagers though…ugh! You’re absolutely correct about it being another challenge!

Post # 37
Member
11140 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

maymrswinks:  

Adult kids can actually be a pleasure.  One of my dh’s is mature & responsible enough that we’ve been able to name him as successor trustee to our trust.

But, you’re right.  The relationship has to be healthy.

 

Post # 38
Member
1800 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

My husband dated me when I had 2 children and we are now matried with a child together. If you asked him he would tell you he didn’t wa t to date someone with kids but when you find the one you don’t let anything come between you. I wouldn’t have counted him out if he had kids either. 

Post # 39
Member
49 posts
Newbee

Dating a man with kids is something to think long and hard about. I’m married to a man with a 15 year old daughter who came to live with us right before our wedding. She’s probably the best 15 year old out there but it hasn’t always been easy. Prepare for some resentment. You can be the most rational person on earth but when you see the man you love choosing to spend time, money and energy on a child, some serious jealousy can happen. Like I said, it’s not a rational feeling but it has happened. You won’t ever be #1 in the persons life. You can be equally important but you won’t be first. I wouldn’t want to be married to a man who always puts me first when he has a child. Also, think about it from a financial perspective. I’m the breadwinner in our household. My stepdaughter’s mom is not contributing child support. Most of the time when she needs or wants something, I’m the one who buys it. We don’t currently have joint accounts and I know my money is my husbands money but still. If you aren’t used to that, it can be a tough pill to swallow. I have never had to pay for anyone but myself or my SO (now husband). It can be tough to foot the bill for someone giving me an attitude or rolling her eyes, etc. There have been times when I feel like enough is enough. But, on the flip side of the coin, I now have a daughter. And for the most part we have a great relationship. She has certainly helped me not be as selfish and watching her with her dad has made me so excited to have a child, because I already see the type of dad he is. She and I have had some ups and downs but I love her. It’s all very complicated when you introduce children into a relationship. Relationships are hard enough betweven 2 people. 

Post # 40
Member
1303 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: Hawksnest Cove Beach St John USVI

My stepmother was CFBC and married my dad with 2 kids thinking it would only be an issue of seeing us every other weekend. Both my brother and I moved in full time at some point.  It definitely caused strain but she came to love us as her own (always calls me daughter now and we talk every day). 

Obviously it worked out, but always be prepared that the kids could end up with him full time. If that’s not something you’d be willing to do its best not to date a man with kids. FWIW, I only dated men without kids.

The topic ‘Dating men with kids’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors