Post # 1
Could really use your input. I have a really good girlfriend that I’ve know for years. We may both get busy for weeks at a time and barely see each other but she continually includes me in girl’s nights and we see each other whenever our schedules match up! We always reconnect and catch up like no time has passed. I adore her! She invited me to a group concert that her and her fiance had organized. When I met up with the group, one of her fiance’s guys was pretty familiar and after talking we realized we had met in a bar years ago totally seperate from this group, just on a random night out and never realized we had all these mutual friends at the time. I remember meeting him at the time and gave him my number and we had exchanged texts but I had just started seeing someone else at the time so things never took off and I went on to date the other person for a few years. He did the same with someone else he met shortly after me and we are both now out of LTR that started and ended around the same time, totally seperate from one another. Just a coincidence.
During that time, I didn’t really go to the group setting events as much because I was so intertwined in my ex’s friend group so I would mostly just saw my girlfriend one on one.
Flash forward 4 years later. Now, this guy and I are both single and have reconnected and didn’t even realize that we are both good friends with this couple. We have gone on a handful of dates one on one and continued to see each other at another group event (a wine tasting tour) over the past month. On paper, everything is perfect – we have the same friend group, he’s smart, funny, really cute, single, I enjoy his company.
The problem is, now that I have a CRUSH, I am so nervous and act so awkward when we are in group settings. I am starting to really like this guy but my fear is that if we date / hookup and things don’t go well that I know myself and I will want to avoid everything that he is at because I’ll be embarassed and self conscious. I can feel myself holding back because I feel like I’m in elementary school not wanting people to know I have caught feelings for this guy.
It’s making me act really standoffish towards him but not because I don’t like him but because of the very opposite reason! We haven’t really talked about what we are doing, we are just hanging out, haven’t even kissed yet but we talk every single day for past couple of weeks.
Has anyone else dated in a friend group? Advice? Success stories? What to be avoided? Bad idea? Also, just out of curiosity, what do you think of age gaps? We are 11 years apart, that seems steep to me but because of that he is much more emotionally intelligent, responsbile, reliable than most other guys I meet. My friend and are almost 30 and this guy is 39. I’ve never had bad blood in a group or been the source for any drama at all and I like keeping it that way. It feels really risky to potentially mess up the friend dynamics if things don’t go well with this guy. It feels different to date when I know he’s not someone I can just cut out of my life and ghost if things get weird (that’s what I do with online dating).
HELP?!?!? Thank you!
Post # 2
I don’t see the big deal. You mess up the friend group and cause drama if you handle the breakup poorly, not if you merely choose to date.
Post # 3
They were both friends with you before you started dating this dude so I’m sure they can handle it if you broke up.
Post # 4
Normally I would say that friend groups are a great place to meet an SO, however:
“my fear is that if we date / hookup and things don’t go well that I know myself and I will want to avoid everything that he is at because I’ll be embarrassed and self conscious.”
So in this case I’d say stop seeing him if you can’t handle it not working out.
And seriously think about some therapy/counseling to help you overcome this issue. There’s too much life out there to avoid things because you are embarrassed and self conscious.
Post # 5
katebluestone : Thanks for weighing in Kate. I’ve been in therapy for the past 6 months and yes, I’m a major Type A perfectionist and I don’t like complicated situations but I need to work on that! I’m really private and it feels so vulnerable to have people in the friend group all sort of see our potential relationship unfold as we do in case it doesn’t go well. I’m super shy about these things but I do agree that therapy has helped. My 4 year relationship ending left me super guarded and you’re right, it’s no way to live. Appreciate you taking the time to comment.
Post # 6
curiouscat2017 : THIS
The question is honestly if you’re able to date a person within your mutual friend group, knowing that it might not end up in a trip down the aisle, and be able to remain mutually respectful with that person even if they aren’t respectful to you after a breakup.
A couple of good friends of mine got involved despite the fact that we were all in a mutual friend group (there were about five of us) and a few of us told the guy, we’ll call him “V”, that it was a super bad idea. “S” (who I was never really a huge fan of to begin with) got involved with V (who I’d been friends with for years before I we were ever all friends) even though she knew she wasn’t 100% committed and he was. Long story short when I was getting back together with my ex (huge storm) he asked my point blank if anything had ever gone down with V. Wanting to be honest and start fresh and work things out I admitted that things had happened at some point. I underestimated my ex’s friendship with S, and he went and told her. Despite the fact that all this went down before S & V ever got together, she lost her mind, she lost me as a friend, I lost V as a friend, and no one kept their cool.
Moral of the story- just know that there can be consequences, regardless of who keeps their cool, or not.
Post # 7
It’s a great way to meet someone! My best friend introduced me to a guy nearly 11 years ago and we hit it off straight away, he is now my husband ☺️
Post # 8
Could work, could be a complete train wreck.
The key, I believe, is a sexless, surface connection unless you know for sure it’s something special. If it is, you’ll feel it in your soul. There will be some sort of mental and spiritual gravitational force between you two when it’s someone you’re meant to explore romantically. Until then, keep it strictly wining and dining, group events, and hanginging out without quite plunging to the depths of on another. There are many ways to enjoy a guy’s company without getting your heart in the equation and I think it’s best to utilize those ways before getting attached. That way, if things don’t work out, it’s a clean break.
This has been an effective filtering system for me during my singleness. It works wonders.