Post # 1
I’ve never been in a situation where I have what feels like a line of men waiting to take me out on dates. But thanks to my newly single status, my very good physical state, and a presumably good online profile, I have just that – a lot of date requests.
I don’t know how to deal with this. I’ve gone out on 10-15 dates so far and almost everyone has requested a second date. While some were blatantly a bad match, a lot of them were good.. so I agreed to a second and sometimes a third.
My question is this – after which point do you say “OK this is good enough”? I haven’t felt an instant spark with anyone, just very good energy and conversation. Do I date 1 person at a time? Do I date more than 1 and then abandon the rest if someone better comes along?
I know this might come off ridiculous but it’s literally an issue for me. My last bf, after i met him everything felt so natural, I didn’t bother dating anyone else – but it led me to making the wrong choice because I essentially just defaulted to him and things ended up not working out due to incompatibility issues.
What would / has your approach been?
Post # 2
At some point, I think you will find yourself thinking about one person more than anyone else.
Post # 3
If you don’t find yourself wanting to see one person a whole heck of a lot more than the others, you should keep looking. I was like you, I am “compatible ” with lots of men, mostly because I have a very laid back attitude and just kind of a happy fo lucky sort of person. There is nothing wrong with this personality of course, but you can have fun with most people so sometimes it is difficult to discern what true compatibility is. I waited until I found someone that I thought about often, got excited when I saw calls or texts from them, got butterflies in dates, etc. Life is short, find someone that knocks your socks off!
Post # 4
MadamMiko: After getting out of a relationship I started a dating profile and talking to people. I met this one guy online and he seemed really nice, but I had also reconnected with a former flame and was chatting with a few old guy friends. I was determined to be single for a while. I went on an actual date with the online guy, he was funny, cute and really nice. But I kind of stopped talking to him because I was meeting up with my old flame. In the meantime I would chat with people but nothing serious and no real dates. I ended up realizing that my old flame had a lot of baggage and I ended up ending things (we were not official, just seeing each other for dinner here and there). But something brought me back to the online guy, I started to interact with him again and hanging out with him and I just stopped being interested in other people and talking to anyone else. And here we are three years later engaged.
He always would tell me that he hated the fact that I stopped talking to him and just fell off the planet. But the way I saw it is that I didnt want to lead multiple men on and had chosen to persue the other guy because he was familiar and we had something before but we had NOTHING in common. My Fiance claims jokingly that he was my second choice and says he would have kept talking to multiple females in a similar situation. But that wasnt me. In college I would talk and flirt with people and never settle down and it ended up being that I didnt really realize who was into me and who wasnt and hurt a few feelings and led people on. So I didnt want to be that way again.
Each of us is different. I think it doesnt hurt to go on multiple dates to test the water. Get to know people and then if it isnt for you, be honest about it, dont promise other dates if you arent interested. But when things become more serious with one or a couple then you decide what you want to do. On another side of things, I have a friend who met a guy online, she is into this guy but honestly hasnt met up with him in a long long time. I feel like he is stringing her along and she has this hope he is her soulmate but he rarely texts and hasnt talked to her on the phone or seen her in person for many many months. They are not exclusive but she has this hope they will be… I wish the guy would be straight up with her and if he isnt interested, let her know! Just dont be that way and lead them on just because you are not wanting to hurt feelings.
Post # 6
- Wedding: Hawksnest Cove Beach St John USVI
Don’t settle for dating one person at a time just because you feel you “should.” If the guy isn’t someone you really connect with. Nothing wrong with seeing multiple people as long as you aren’t telling them you’re exclusive. I found that dating helped me find what I was really looking for in Darling Husband, gave me great date ideas, and kept me from picking someone just because.
I had always dated one person at a time before my dating spurt before I met Darling Husband. Once I met him I instantly knew and only dated him from that point on.
Post # 7
I was I’m this situation a few years ago. I probably dated a max of 3 people at a time, otherwise things just got confusing and exhausting and became lwas enjoyable. I think you can tell by date 3 whether there’s anything good enough there to keep it going further.
Good luck, hot stuff!
Post # 8
I can’t speak for myself because I didn’t meet my fiancé online dating. but I had a friend who went on a lot of dates at one point and she likened it to a full time job. She went on so many dates that at one point she was going out with a different guy every other night. A lot of them were duds and a lot of them were great that went on several dates with.
For her it kind of naturally happened that she found a guy that she was more attracted to and had more of a connection with. A lot of it is trial and error it felt like. I know a lot of the dates she went on she didnt have an initial spark with but they were nice guys so she went on more dates but the connection just wasnt there. Then when she met her boyfriend it all fell into place.
Dont try to overthink it. If you want to get to know one guy more than the others then go for it. I think just being open to dating and meeting new people will draw in the right person.
Post # 9
Yeah, you will know when you want to keep seeing one particular person a lot more and I think will naturally feel inclined to see more of them and little to none of anyone else, or you two will reach a point you discuss dating exclusively. I would not force yourself into dating one person just because you have gone on “such and such number of dates”. I think you can assume they likely aren’t doing that either!
I have done lots of online dating as well. When I met my now-husband, I had been back online dating for a couple of months, and had gone on many dates, and a few repeat dates. When I met him, I knew after the first long date (we had spent about a week communicating via the system, email, and phone before that) I was not that interested in meeting others anymore. I actually cancelled a couple pending dates as I was not that into going. I did not tell my now-husband this, as at the time it was really about how *I* felt, and I felt it would be unfair to myself and these met I had not met (or had repeat dates with) to go on dates with them when I was feeling pretty smitten with someone else, know what I mean? It was only when we talked about being exclusive about 2-3 weeks (and a few dates) later or so we both revealed we had not gone on any other dates since we met anyway.
As for it not working out with your ex, I am not sure the lesson from that is to “keep dating multiple men even when you find a natural fit with someone and aren’t that interested in seeng others” but rather start looking at what things are important in terms of compatibility and whether the people you meet and continue to date fit that. The beauty of online dating is you can actually filter out a lot of things that might make you incompatible before you even meet, but how effective this is can depend on the site and how you utilize the tools it gives you.
Aside from that, keep in mind ALL relationships will end until one doesn’t. Heartbreak sucks, and you absolutely should be aware of your own expectations, boundaries, wants, needs, and so on in a relationship and partner, but don’t let fear of heartbreak (without significant cause to fear that heartbreak – like you know the guy is a regular cheater) hold you back either from entering relationships and experiencing them, even if sometimes (and for many of us..most times) it means they end. Enjoy it while you can, take from it the good, learn from it, and move ahead. Ultimately, for most of us, those experiences are invaluable to us as people, and how we approach and what we bring to future partners.
Post # 10
Last summer I went through the same thing, fresh out of a relationship and was dating a lot. I was on a date every night, many times on 2nd and 3rd dates. I kept going out even though I was starting to fall for my now-boyfriend. He and I had been friends first and started dating, but there were so many other options out there I wanted to make sure I was ready to commit to him. The last date I went on with another guy I felt so checked out, I could only think of my boyfriend. Then when I came home to a sweet text from him I had a rush of guilt. That’s when I decided to quit dating around, he didn’t know I was still dating at the time though. He was hurt when he found out I was seeing other people when I was with him, so I wish I had been more transparent about that. I think it’s important that expectations are clear from both sides, but you should date around until you want to stop! For me, it was a very clear moment and I’m happy I met a lot of other people because I know what’s out there, and I still think my boyfriend is the best for me 🙂
Post # 11
After my marriage ended last year, I was determined to “play the field”
I joined a few dating websites and went out on LOTS of dates. There were a few guys that I felt promise with and went on more than one date with (including my current SO).
After about 4 dates with SO, I found I was only interested in hearing from him and everyone else dropped off slowly. I did have some hesitation after coming out of my marriage but I took a chance. My relationship with SO progressed from there until we had the “official” talk after about a month of seeing each other.
Just be open with people, don’t try and make out you are only talking to them as people see right through that. Honesty is the best policy.
Post # 12
I would just keep dating around until you start liking one guy more than the others. Then have the exclusivity talk – THEN stop seeing the other guys. Beware making the mistake of deciding in your head that the relationship is exclusive without talking it over with the dude!
I think it might make sense to limit the number of guys you see, too. Like, 15 is a lot. If it were me, I’d have trouble remembering who they all were. I think the most guys I ever casually dated at a time was four, and even then I had to keep a file on my computer where I summarized key points about each so I wouldn’t mix up their shiz and congratulate Tom on his niece’s graduation when it was Jerry who had the niece, and so on. OMG. I just went back and looked up that file out of curiousity – VeryBlackBook.txt, ha. Hub is on there, but I spelled his last name wrong, and besides his phone number I noted, “Southern, family very important. Has some siblings.” Not a very auspicious start!!!
Post # 13
MadamMiko, I wanted to add another piece of advice: don’t overthink your dating style. It’s too soon to be planning the long game. I think a lot of times women jump into the long game too early because they’re ready for a relationship, so as soon as they meet someone who fits the bill they’re balls in. Then they’re exclusive, engaged, and about to be married, and only then realize their SO and relationship is all over red flags. Date “like a man” – casual, doing just what you want and feel in the moment, not putting your eggs in any basket until you really FEEL it. If you feel good dating 15 guys at a time and just waiting for someone to really peak your interest, do that. If you feel weird doing that, cut it down to the number you feel comfortable with. If you find you can’t date more than one man at a time and feel good about it, then do that. But don’t do, or don’t NOT do, something just because that’s how other people do it.
Post # 14
These days you’re expected to date however many people you want until you have the “let’s be exclusive”-talk with the one guy who really steals your heart and you want to have a real relationship with. Some people have this talk on the 3rd date while others wait until the 3rd month, wait until you really feel this guy is worth giving your heart to. And don’t continue dating a guy just because he’s nice and compatible- you need a man who gives you butterflies! Don’t settle!!
ps- NEVER assume that you are the only girl he is dating, I learned this the hard way.
Post # 15
“Do I date more than 1 and then abandon the rest if someone better comes along?”
how would this make you feel if a guy you were actually interested in said this about you?
dating shouldn’t be a game, it should be real. Domt see a future with the guy? Move on, stop wasting his money, time, and effort.