Dating while in quarantine – what to say

posted 3 months ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
321 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2021

View original reply
oatmilk :  Agreed and love the point that you could be missing out on great people you might judge at first based on stereotypes or those “knee jerk” reactions. 

And not just romantically. I’m reminded of a friendship I’ve developed more recently with someone who I initially was turned off by because of some personality traits/communication habits. After getting to know them a little more (through work, this is a co-worker), I got a glimpse of the source of those things and realized they’re a really interesting, smart, and fun person!

Post # 62
Member
321 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2021

View original reply
coffeecakez :  Agreed in some ways here, for sure. But I think if someone is confronted with someone outside their “type,” or whatever, and they are intrigued, why not go for it and see what happens?!

It’s up to the individual to determine whether that “stretch” would feel like an opportunity to learn and love, or a chance to “prove” something (which I agree is wrong, because you’d be using someone for your own ends).

I’d also counter that dating is not always about marriage, or even necessarily always about sex. *shrug*

Post # 63
Member
1403 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
soonzak : 

It’s really weird that you value a vague sense of “fairness” over happiness. You are either imagining a world where someone’s preferences are different than reality or you are insisting that someone should date someone who they have no interest in dating. The former is a fun thought experiment, but ultimately isn’t useful to someone operating under current circumstances. The latter is peculiar and I would argue suboptimal for both parties.

I agree with coffeecakez :  

People shouldn’t date those who they view as incompatible (for whatever reason). Doing so is cruel and a waste of time and energy for both.

Post # 64
Member
1403 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
soonzak :  Why not go for it? As I mentioned before, such a suggestion undervalues the woman’s time. If her goal is to find a life partner, or even just a fling, it is to her benefit to minimize the time spent on candidates who are very unlikely to be suitable.

Post # 65
Member
937 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
coffeecakez :  

“I don’t think @soonzak is advocating for that approach, but I will say that being open-minded to someone who doesn’t have the characteristics you find important is cruel.”

I agree with you. I can’t understand for the life of me why some people seem to love this idea of pushing people to date further and further out of their comfort zone. It wastes people’s time and can result in a lot of hurt and heartbreak. I think people are better off having a clear picture of their partner beforehand and looking for a partner with those qualities, rather than dating around aimlessly for years to see whether they like this or that.

I mean sure, if you are negotiable on something, like age or whether or not the person is a smoker, then by all means, open your dating pool to those people.

However, most people’s preferences do not simply spring up out of nowhere. They are based on culture, biology, personality, and experience with what they do and don’t like. Like I said, if you think you might be negotiable on something, then by all means go ahead.

But if you already know you have strong feelings about something, why waste your and the other person’s time and potentially hurt them? Just to prove a point? That person will be someone else’s cup of tea, they’re just not yours.

I’ll give an example from my own life. A few years ago, I dated a guy who was 7 years younger than me. Our ages were right there in our dating profiles, so he knew from the beginning. We went on to see each other, had a wonderful time and a deep connection, only for him to back out after 2 months. When I asked him for his reasons, he admitted that the relationship was great but he was concerned about the age difference. I felt that this was something he should have worked out in himself beforehand. It hurt me a lot.

I am not an advocate for dating someone you have lukewarm feelings about, and I worry that this is the end result of soonzak/emilyofnewmoon’s advice.

If someone is absolutely amazing and you truly fall for them, despite them not being the exact height or weight you might want, then you will not even have to have this conversation within yourself.

Anyway, I can see what they are saying about examining your own beliefs/stereotypes, and I think an argument can be made for doing that. But I don’t necessarily think you should do it at the expense of other people’s time and feelings.

Post # 66
Member
1619 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly…we’re talking about going on a first date with someone you met online. The stakes could not be lower for both parties, and I think some of the responses are a tad dramatic. If you know beyond a shadow of a doubt for example that there’s no way you could ever feel attraction for a person who’s under 5’10, then sure, don’t accept a date with anyone under 5’10. But if you decide “hey you know what, I don’t normally date short guys but I really like this guy’s profile, I’m gonna give him a shot” – that’s entirely fair. Even if you wind up not feeling attraction. It’s one date.

Post # 67
Member
1338 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
indigobee :  Right. I’ve been on the receiving end of people dating me when they ultimately weren’t going to settle down with me for reasons that were obvious before they even said hello.  My close friends have, too.

@soonzak: If your counter is that dating is not necessarily about marriage or sex, then that explains a lot of your perspective. If you aren’t dating to find a life partner, it makes sense that long term compatibility requirements don’t matter as much to you. If you’re not dating with sex in mind, some superficial attractiveness criteria won’t matter as much either.  I’ll bet that the vast majority of people who someone might “take a chance” on, however, are not interested in being an experiment. They’re likely looking for a partner for sexual activity or long term partnership.  To pretend otherwise is being willfully dishonest.

How would your mother have felt if romantic partners were open to going on a few dates with her, but ultimately told her they weren’t going to have sex with a fat woman?  Or if they were happy to sleep with her, but would never take her seriously as a life partner?  That’s what happens when people are dishonest with themselves and the people they date. 

Like IndigoBee said, if someone doesn’t share some of the criteria someone is willing to compromise on, that’s great— people aren’t built in labs.  A guy might like/ dislike country music. A woman might be/ not be vegetarian.  However, if someone knows they aren’t going to settle down with someone without a certain income because they plan to have certain standard of living for themselves and future children, or if they’d never marry someone from a different religion because they plan to raise children with one religious viewpoint in the home, they should leave people who don’t meet those requirements alone.

Thinking through one’s own assumptions about body size/type, education, income, race etc is helpful.  However, one can think through those things without dragging someone else’s feelings through the wringer, or wasting other people’s time.

ETA: after reading the comment above, I think we might have two different definitions of “dating” in this thread.  Meeting for coffee once vs actively engaging someone over several days/ dates.   I’m talking about the latter.  “Compromise” has different definitions, too. In my view, it’s not a compromise if someone is near the mark (say, the 5’9″ guy vs 5’10”) as I assume most people aren’t that wacky.  I’m talking about people who know they don’t find East Asian men attractive (but who would never admit it out loud) going out on several dates with a Korean guy who is funny, but breaking things off once things get a little physical.  The guy gets the shit end of the stick in that situation, since the reason he’s being dumped was obvious from the beginning… and he could have spent his time dating someone who did think he is attractive.

Post # 68
Member
321 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2021

View original reply
anonymousbee001 :  I’m not responsible for other people’s happiness, and I’m not in the business of making other people happy. Do I want people to be happy? Of course! And I’m not going to actively hurt other people. But issues of equality are especially likely to make some people UNhappy. Because to people who are already in positions of power, it can feel like a challenge and like a loss of power when other people get raised up. But I believe “we all do better when we all do better,” as the saying goes. So yes, I’d wager to say that, on the macro level, I value fairness and equality over what makes people “happy,” and to me it seems the happiness part is what is vague. I’m talking mostly beyond the scope of “hey, maybe don’t choose dating partners on superficial/genetic characteristics” with that, but I think there is some connection from the macro- to micro- level. The personal is political and all that.  Again, I agree people shouldn’t date people they view as incompatible. I think it’d be great if people ditched appearance/genetic/superficial characteristics as some requirement of “compatible” (height, weight, hair color). They aren’t the end-all-be-all of compatibility or attraction, at least for me. 

View original reply
indigobee :  Again, people are going to do what they’re going to do. If someone thinks, “Huh, interesting, why DO I immediately swipe away from fat people?” as a result of this thread, then great. If someone thinks, “You know, maybe that was unfair of me when that acquaintance asked me out and I said no just because he’s shorter than I am,” then awesome. That’s all I’m saying. I think it would be great if people were more open-minded when it comes to appearance/genetic characteristics in choosing people to date. I’m attracted to people’s smile, eyes, voice, hair style, fashion sense and so on when it comes to appearance. I’m not saying people should date people they aren’t attracted to.  The love of your life might be shorter than you, fatter than you, or otherwise fall into some category you thought you needed in a partner. I say don’t miss out because of those stereotypes/superficial things!

View original reply
emilyofnewmoon :  Agreed.

Post # 69
Member
321 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2021

View original reply
coffeecakez :  Good point about knowing WHY you’re dating. I still think that superficial/genetic characteristics aren’t something that should define who you date or not. The example you gave of the woman dating a Korean guy is straight up racist? And again, I’d never argue seriously that people should go out with someone they have 0 attraction to whatsoever.

Preferences about hobbies, income level, education level make more sense to me, as those are more indicative of personal choices people make and not things about themselves they can’t change or that don’t speak to their values or personality (again: if we’re talking fitness/health, maybe a shift to “I want someone I can go to the gym with” not “I want someone with a six pack” as a way to be less fatphobic).

 

And with that, I’m going to try to (try! lol) to bow out of this thread. I feel like a broken record at this point, and I’m really not sure how much further I could explain myself.

Post # 70
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

It depends on how big it is. 🌭 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors