“I don’t think @soonzak is advocating for that approach, but I will say that being open-minded to someone who doesn’t have the characteristics you find important is cruel.”
I agree with you. I can’t understand for the life of me why some people seem to love this idea of pushing people to date further and further out of their comfort zone. It wastes people’s time and can result in a lot of hurt and heartbreak. I think people are better off having a clear picture of their partner beforehand and looking for a partner with those qualities, rather than dating around aimlessly for years to see whether they like this or that.
I mean sure, if you are negotiable on something, like age or whether or not the person is a smoker, then by all means, open your dating pool to those people.
However, most people’s preferences do not simply spring up out of nowhere. They are based on culture, biology, personality, and experience with what they do and don’t like. Like I said, if you think you might be negotiable on something, then by all means go ahead.
But if you already know you have strong feelings about something, why waste your and the other person’s time and potentially hurt them? Just to prove a point? That person will be someone else’s cup of tea, they’re just not yours.
I’ll give an example from my own life. A few years ago, I dated a guy who was 7 years younger than me. Our ages were right there in our dating profiles, so he knew from the beginning. We went on to see each other, had a wonderful time and a deep connection, only for him to back out after 2 months. When I asked him for his reasons, he admitted that the relationship was great but he was concerned about the age difference. I felt that this was something he should have worked out in himself beforehand. It hurt me a lot.
I am not an advocate for dating someone you have lukewarm feelings about, and I worry that this is the end result of soonzak/emilyofnewmoon’s advice.
If someone is absolutely amazing and you truly fall for them, despite them not being the exact height or weight you might want, then you will not even have to have this conversation within yourself.
Anyway, I can see what they are saying about examining your own beliefs/stereotypes, and I think an argument can be made for doing that. But I don’t necessarily think you should do it at the expense of other people’s time and feelings.