Dating

posted 7 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
685 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I feel you… 5 years ago I ended a relationship that I nowadays see as emotionally abusive. I basically hadn’t ever really dated at all, so found myself in my late 20s and a little helpless, overweight, with bad skin – so not exactly somebody who attracts a lot of male attention. I work a job in which I meet 3 types of males: colleagues, pupils and their dads. Big no to all three. I signed up for OKCupid and I did not regret it! I didn’t include a picture of my face (only a pic of my feet in the sand on holiday) which weeded out a lot of men only looking for hookups. I searched for men with a very specific set of interests and messaged a fair number of them. I had a few first dates and then found a somebody who I had actually already met through a mutual friend, even though we both didn’t realize it immediately. We had our first date on Oct 2nd, second date on Oct 3rd which ended with us deciding we were exclusive. That was in 2014. We moved in together in September 2017, got engaged Christmas 2017, married a little more than 4 years after our first date.

I know it’s hard but get out there. It’s ok to use the internet! Talk to a trusted friend about your relationship as it develops, so they can help you spot bad behaviour. Now that you know what you don’t want, it will be easier to spot what’s going wrong. Don’t let your ex spoil your faith in humanity and love!

Post # 3
Hostess
3772 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I met my wonderful husband on Tinder when I was 33. So  proof that you are not too old 🙄 and online dating works. I think nothing will ever happen while you still have the negative mind set that you’ve demonstrated in your post. Maybe stop worrying about dating for a while, find what makes you HAPPY, then try again? 

Post # 4
Member
94 posts
Worker bee

TeachingBee2628 :  Read what you wrote. The overall tone and attitude is very defeatist and negative. None of it is necessarily true either.

I don’t know if it’s because I just don’t think I’ll meet the right person anymore or simply because dating these days, via an app is so anticlimactic.”

For example: thinking you won’t meet the right person is a very unhelpful thought and it’s negative. Just throw that away. The fact of the matter is, you very well may meet the right person.

Dating apps are anticlimactic: I would agree. I dated for two years and it was pretty blah. 

Then, I met my current boyfriend on Bumble.

Right away, it was different. It felt like meeting up with a lifelong friend.

Since we met 5 months ago, life has been anything but anticlimactic. It is truly amazing to meet your person and I am nearly certain I met mine (thank you Bumble!)

Shake off these negative thoughts and learn to enjoy the process. Enjoy the interactions with others, even if you know it’ll just be one conversation or one date. Learn about yourself. Be excited about it. 

One day you’re dating, and then you’re suddenly off the apps and dating just one person, your person, and it is amazing!

Post # 5
Member
343 posts
Helper bee

I met my husband online but sometimes it takes time. And there were points when I needed a break from it, and if that’s how you feel right now then go ahead and take a break. Take some time for work, hobbies, spending time with friends and family. Sometimes that is what you need to get reenergized. You don’t wnat to be online dating while you feel super lonely or when you feel you’re on a timeline because that is when you are in danger of compromising your standards. That guy is out there but you have to wade through the muck to get to the other side. Sometimes that takes time and patience.

Post # 6
Member
323 posts
Helper bee

I was in your shoes, and I enjoyed being by myself, family and friends. I enjoyed my privacy and focused on improving in my career and talents. I enjoyed loving myself. I never thought about my future and lived at the moment. I attracted men because of my confidence but I never dated any one for a while. I wanted to complete myself before I got into  relationship. I remember fondly of those days because I had fun as I took a break from dating. There was a smal time I felt a bit lonely, so, I got a guinea pig and never felt lonely after that. 

I think that you should take your time with dating. Also, if you pressure yourself to find some one it turns to work instead of fun. I advise you to save the work for the relationship. Also, spending time with yourself helps you love yourself and be independent and not expect your relationship to complete you.  I also agree with pp that you shouldn’t meet some one when you are very lonely. I also strongly beleive that it is never late to find some one. 

The disadvantage of not dating was tactless people and super heroes popping and asking me how come I ddin’t have  boy friend, telling me to hang in there when I was having a better time than them, and those trying to set me up. I learnt to shrug them off. 

Post # 7
Member
37 posts
Newbee

 I have definatly been there…. its really sucks and thats actually when I started online dating, even if i wasn’t starting a relationship it was nice to flirt and just gain some confidence back. Before I met my current SO on a dating app, I threw myself into my hobbies and focused on self love. Onlineline dating took ALOT of patience. I went on some crappy dates, but then i met my SO and he was fantastic. We hit it off right away. I was also in a previously toxic relationship wich made it challenging to let myself fall for this guy, but he’s an actual angel and things are working out great so far. 

Post # 8
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I met my fiance 2 years ago when I was 34 on bumble, so it can be done. Actually most of my friends have met either on a dating app or on the sand volleyball court!

I didn’t meet anyone on online dating until I took it seriously though. You need to meet people early and often. Get used to going out on dates. It was actually 3 weeks after I started taking it seriously that I met my fiance. And the 3 weeks before I met him, I had some really cool dates with some really fun guys! They didn’t work out, but we tried new things and I really got to know what I wanted and what I didn’t like. I gave everyone of the guys I met a second date – unless something in my head was screaming no – because first dates can be akward and nerve wracking for both parties. I had a friend who did it all with me and he met his fiance a week before I met mine! If you put the effort into it, you’ll find someone! And if you don’t meet someone special, you’ll still meet a lot of different people and have a really good time! But you have to come at it from a positive mindset. If you go on a bunch of dates assuming this won’t work, then it won’t  

Post # 9
Member
2061 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“I seem to also observe successful couples more and make a mental note of what I’d love in a relationship based on what I see in theirs but I just think it’s too late to have that with someone now.” 

I don’t want to be flip, because this is a feeling many people have after a breakup, no matter what the age, but the idea that it is too late to find a relationship after age 29 is just patently ridiculous. I think you need to hear that from a stranger.

I got divorced at 38 after 10 years of marriage to a man who I believed was the love of my life and who broke up with me, leaving me devastated and blindsided. Yet, I met my now-husband and actual love of my life at age 39. I didn’t feel that this was unusual or unexpected. After I mourned the demise of my marriage, it never occurred to me that age 39  was “too late.” I have many friends who found their spouses and partners after age 40 and up. My mom’s co-worker married her third husband in her 80’s. So, the idea of topping out at 29 is just not realistic. That being said, if you are burned out from dating at the moment, there’s no need to force yourself. Focus on other things and when you are ready you can return to dating and I have no doubts it is far from too late for anything.

 

Post # 10
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m another who met my husband on an app. Don’t give up. 

Post # 11
Hostess
8199 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

TeachingBee2628 :  Bee, I have been there. Before I met Fiance I was single for 2 years, I was very busy working two jobs, but I went on LOTS of terrible dates. I would go through spells of going on dates and then not bothering. I was single when I turned 30, I met him at 31, we get married in March 2 days before my 34th birthday. Age doesn’t really matter, but I am glad I didn’t give up! 🙂

Post # 12
Member
877 posts
Busy bee

I definitely get where you are coming from. I did a bunch of online dating and even had a couple relationships from it. They didn’t go anywhere, but I still met some great people. I ended up with someone I reconnected with from my past, but a lot of people I know married someone they met online, so don’t give up!

Post # 13
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2020 - Ireland

I know exactly how you feel becuase I totally went through this a couple of years ago – the short back story is this: I got engaged at 27 to a guy I’d been with for 5 years. I broke off the engagement after a month because I knew deep down things weren’t going to work out. Fast forward 9 months of being single, and I started dating a guy I’d been friends with for YEARS which caused massive drama in my friends group (some other girl was totally in love with him, etc. – it wasn’t pretty). The relationship couldn’t withstand the drama and we broke up October 2017.

Early November 2017 at 28 years old, I thought I’d try dating again. A friend heavily encouraged me to try a dating app, and recommended Bumble. I’d downloaded it before but never set up a profile because I was very weary of online dating. This time, I decided to give it an honest shot. It was totally overwhelming to sort through all these guys! So, I paid 3 dollars for a week subscription which allowed me to see all the guys who’d liked/swiped on me first, to narrow my search. There was this one guy I stared at for about 4 days before I got the guts to message him. I figured, what do I have to lose? So I took my shot. The first guy I’d messaged on that app, or in any online/app dating forum ever. As it turns out, we started a good conversation. He asked me out 5 days later for coffee that Saturday. We went on our first date 11/18/17. I turned 29 February 2018. He officially called me his girlfriend March 2018. We went on our first trip (and he told his out of the country parents about my existence) in May 2018. We went on a big trip with his friends from his hometown/college in Ireland in LA/San Diego/Las Vegas in August 2018. He told me to start shopping for engagement rings in early December 2018, and we got engaged last Monday at the very same coffee shop (we even sat in “our spot” for a coffee). We’ll be married in his home country next year sometime. I’ll be 30 next month (eek!) and 31 when we’re married. He’ll be 34. 

This is a VERY long way of saying, it CAN and DOES happen at any age and by many, many, different forms of interaction. I will say, I understand that I’m very rare to meet the guy on the first go – he’d been doing online dating for years off and on before we met, and was seriously over it and about to quit before I messaged him.

Was it kind of awkward and daunting to try online dating and meeting a stranger, etc. for the first time? Absolutely. But was it the best decision I ever made? A million, billion, trillion times yes. Would I re-do the ended engagement, the super drama relationship after that which included the loss of almost all of my friends (literally), and all of the nasty, angry, stupid, pointles, eye-roll-inducing and ridiculous/borderline comical relationships and “relationships” I had in my teens/early 20s prior to those recent ones? Yes, yes, and YES. Don’t give up bee!!! 

TeachingBee2628 :  

Post # 14
Member
1164 posts
Bumble bee

TeachingBee2628 :  I was in your shoes and focused on making friends. I’d spend an hour or so every day matching with new people or continuing conversations. If someone interesting pops up and you think he would be a good friend then hang out with him. If it feels like work and you don’t want to hang out with someone who doesn’t interest you then don’t. 

 

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