(Closed) Daughter doesn't want a wedding, her fiance does.

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
11650 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

GypsyLane:  oh, boy. I don’t see how you could tell her FI’s parents that this is for him so they need to step up. The real problem here is your daughter expecting you to pay for something she doesn’t want. That would make anyone resentful. But if you say something like that to his parents, you’re setting yourself up. Your daughter is old enough to get married so she’s old enough to handle your feelings and concerns.

Have you discussed this with your daughter? 

Post # 3
Member
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

If I were you, I would decide on an amount of money I felt comfortable gifting my daughter and her Fiance. Let’s say $5000. I’d say, “daughter, I love you, here is your wedding gift of $5000. You and your fiance can use this money for your wedding. If you have a less expensive wedding or elope, you can use the money for your honeymoon. If you want a more expensive wedding, you and your husband to be will have to talk to each other and figure out how to save up for the difference. I’d be happy to offer my opinion on anything you ask, but the venue, food, decorations, etc. are all your choice. I hope you and your fiance will be able to talk things over and decide on a compromise that will make both of you happy!”

Then, step out of it. Your daughter is an adult, and she needs to act like it and start talking to her fiance and making decisions for herself. Your gift of money will surely help them no matter what they decide, but it gets you out of the middle of things.

Post # 4
Member
7413 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Step out of it. It’s between her and her future husband.

Post # 7
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee

Why not stop paying for it? Parents are not obligated AT ALL to help pay for the wedding. This is a different century and your daughter and her fiancé are adults. You bought her dress, which was a nice gift! But if they want a wedding, they should be able to afford it themselves. 

Post # 8
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee

You aren’t required to pay for anything. That is an outdated idea. If they as a couple decide to have a wedding, they can pay for it. You can offer to help, or give them money to start a new life, but you aren’t required to host a wedding.

Post # 9
Member
8833 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

GypsyLane:  “Why haven’t his parents offered to help? Do I have to blatantly tell them, this is for YOUR son so you need to do something?” — Nobody is responsible for paying for anyone else’s wedding. If you CHOOSE to, that’s very kind of you, but doesn’t mean someone else has to too. I recommend taking PPs advice to just give your daughter whatever sum you were planning to spend, and let them do what they want with it. If she’s ok spending it on a big wedding, awesome. If it’s not enough to cover the wedding her fiance wants, he can kick in for the rest, ask his parents, or knock over a 7-11. Not your problem. Planning is also not your problem. It’s up to the two of them to put the effort in and if neither of them do, well… that’s on them. If you WANT to help plan and they’re good with that too, that’s one thing. But if it’s making you resentful, then just stop. It is most definitely not your place to ask his parents for money. Or get mad at them for not offering.

Post # 10
Member
9588 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

PPs idea of a lump sum transfer is the best idea.  You are fair (giving her as much money as your other daughters) and letting her choose how to spend it in a way that makes her happiest.

If she doesn’t want a wedding, when it comes time for the two of them to budget and figure out how much of their OWN money they will need to put aside for the wedding that one of them doesn’t want… well, it’ll be a much simpler and less expensive wedding, that’s for sure.

Post # 11
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee

I’m like your daughter. If my family says here’s “x” amount of money. Use it towards your wedding, honeymoon, home, whatever. I’d take that money and out it towards a home.maybe when they have the money your Future Sister-In-Law will decide to do something smaller. Or realize their budget isn’t going to work. 

Post # 12
Member
903 posts
Busy bee

Your daughter is an adult. This is her thing to go through. I understand you feeling stress over this because you have to watch her go through this, but this her mess. I would just give her a lump sum transfer and have her do with it what she wills. Parents are not obligated to pay for a wedding at all, and I would not talk the parents about this at all. Once she has a budget, she and her Fiance can figure out hiw to do their wedding.

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