Post # 1
My 24 years old daughter has never dreamed about her wedding, her dress, cake or any detail of a future wedding ever, even when she was little. She loves the idea of being married but over the past 6 months she has said over & over, “if it were up to me I would just go to the court house.” She says that her fiance is the one who wants a wedding. She refuses to make any decisions, unless it’s “he wouldn’t like that.” Referring to fiance. No one in our home is excited about it or enjoying this. My real issue is why are we spending so much $$$ if it’s not even for her? Why haven’t his parents offered to help? Do I have to blatantly tell them, this is for YOUR son so you need to do something? My daughter is just getting angrier as the months go by. Even getting her dress was painful and expensive. I don’t care about a wedding- I have 2 other daughters who will love having a wedding. I don’t need this, my husband doesn’t and I don’t want to end up resenting my future son in law or his family. So frustrated.
Post # 2
GypsyLane: oh, boy. I don’t see how you could tell her FI’s parents that this is for him so they need to step up. The real problem here is your daughter expecting you to pay for something she doesn’t want. That would make anyone resentful. But if you say something like that to his parents, you’re setting yourself up. Your daughter is old enough to get married so she’s old enough to handle your feelings and concerns.
Have you discussed this with your daughter?
Post # 3
If I were you, I would decide on an amount of money I felt comfortable gifting my daughter and her Fiance. Let’s say $5000. I’d say, “daughter, I love you, here is your wedding gift of $5000. You and your fiance can use this money for your wedding. If you have a less expensive wedding or elope, you can use the money for your honeymoon. If you want a more expensive wedding, you and your husband to be will have to talk to each other and figure out how to save up for the difference. I’d be happy to offer my opinion on anything you ask, but the venue, food, decorations, etc. are all your choice. I hope you and your fiance will be able to talk things over and decide on a compromise that will make both of you happy!”
Then, step out of it. Your daughter is an adult, and she needs to act like it and start talking to her fiance and making decisions for herself. Your gift of money will surely help them no matter what they decide, but it gets you out of the middle of things.
Post # 4
Step out of it. It’s between her and her future husband.
Post # 5
ohnatto: THIS, times 1,000
Post # 6
I have tried speaking to her. I’ve said that I cannot make the decisions for her wedding, it’s not my wedding, it’s hers. I have also said that i just want her to be happy, that I am good with whatever they do. Her fiance is very kind but very quiet and doesn’t speak to anyone (except his mother, every single day) I do believe she just feels pressure from his mom and him to do this and that is making her angry as well. I called her this morning but she’s working. Thank you for your advice, I won’t call Father-In-Law but will do the gift of money. Thank you again.
Post # 7
Why not stop paying for it? Parents are not obligated AT ALL to help pay for the wedding. This is a different century and your daughter and her fiancé are adults. You bought her dress, which was a nice gift! But if they want a wedding, they should be able to afford it themselves.
Post # 8
You aren’t required to pay for anything. That is an outdated idea. If they as a couple decide to have a wedding, they can pay for it. You can offer to help, or give them money to start a new life, but you aren’t required to host a wedding.
Post # 9
GypsyLane: “Why haven’t his parents offered to help? Do I have to blatantly tell them, this is for YOUR son so you need to do something?” — Nobody is responsible for paying for anyone else’s wedding. If you CHOOSE to, that’s very kind of you, but doesn’t mean someone else has to too. I recommend taking PPs advice to just give your daughter whatever sum you were planning to spend, and let them do what they want with it. If she’s ok spending it on a big wedding, awesome. If it’s not enough to cover the wedding her fiance wants, he can kick in for the rest, ask his parents, or knock over a 7-11. Not your problem. Planning is also not your problem. It’s up to the two of them to put the effort in and if neither of them do, well… that’s on them. If you WANT to help plan and they’re good with that too, that’s one thing. But if it’s making you resentful, then just stop. It is most definitely not your place to ask his parents for money. Or get mad at them for not offering.
Post # 10
PPs idea of a lump sum transfer is the best idea. You are fair (giving her as much money as your other daughters) and letting her choose how to spend it in a way that makes her happiest.
If she doesn’t want a wedding, when it comes time for the two of them to budget and figure out how much of their OWN money they will need to put aside for the wedding that one of them doesn’t want… well, it’ll be a much simpler and less expensive wedding, that’s for sure.
Post # 11
I’m like your daughter. If my family says here’s “x” amount of money. Use it towards your wedding, honeymoon, home, whatever. I’d take that money and out it towards a home.maybe when they have the money your Future Sister-In-Law will decide to do something smaller. Or realize their budget isn’t going to work.
Post # 12
Your daughter is an adult. This is her thing to go through. I understand you feeling stress over this because you have to watch her go through this, but this her mess. I would just give her a lump sum transfer and have her do with it what she wills. Parents are not obligated to pay for a wedding at all, and I would not talk the parents about this at all. Once she has a budget, she and her Fiance can figure out hiw to do their wedding.
Post # 13
Great input from everyone. I’ve bought her dress, the junior bridesmaid dress, Favors for the wedding(he chose), bubbles and bells and found a Caterer that her fiance will like. I’m putting on the breaks now. Her middle sister is moving to Florida in a month, her younger brother is moving to California as soon as she is married (he’s put his move on old her this), I have 2 elementary school age children and I’m the PTA president overwhelmed with work (yes already), plus her grandfather’s 80th birthday celebration that is Aug 15th. She knows all this, knows that I’m under tremendous stress and I don’t want to end up angry with her for what appears as her being thoughtless. I will ask my husband to come up with the total for an additional amount that will be gifted.