Daughter Dropped a bombshell on Us.

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2025 posts
Buzzing bee

honeybeebuzz :  bee, first I just wanna say I wish I could give you a big hug. you sound like a wonderful, supportive parent; however, your daughter is no longer a child and will make of her life what she wishes. please just understand that none of her decisions are your fault, and rest peacefully every night knowing that you did the best you could. you allowed her to use you and your husband financially and emotionally until you started putting rules in place, and she selfishly moved on with her life because she thought she was old enough to do whatever she wanted without your help.

supporting someone you love does NOT mean that you have to keep letting them back in just to rip your heart out when you’re no longer of use to them. again, you know damn well you’ve done everything you can for her. life’s best lessons are learned the hard way—it’s just unfortunate that her little lesson will impact the rest of her life moving forward.

also, don’t you dare let her remove personal accountability for blaming you and your husband for the adoption she chose to go through with for the first child she was unprepared for mentally, financially, and emotionally. she wants everything to be someone else’s fault—but she will soon learn that everyone makes their own decisions and must deal with the fallout. 

good parenting doesn’t guarantee a good child. she’s an autonomous individual with her own personality and desires, and will do what she wants. you’ve got no control over that, and no liability for her mistakes.

 

ETA: you were also not wrong for not congratulating her on the new baby. this poor life decision is nothing to celebrate. 

Post # 3
Member
224 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I have to say this isn’t uncommon. I’m from a small town so these things happen a lot.

Small town aquaintence number 1- Got pregnant in hs, her aunt and uncle had infertility problems so she gave up her daughter to them. She never could deal with giving her up. She claimed her parents forced the adoption, and that she wanted her daughter back. She got pregnant again intentinally immediately after graduating. Her parents were devestated, today shes married to a different guy and has two other kids.

I have another aquaintence who accidentally got pregnant really young, sophmore or junior year of hs, the baby had a heart defect and ended up passing away at a month or two old. Her and that guy broke up. Not even a year later she dropped out of school and intentionally got pregnant. She ended up marrying that dad. That didn’t last, but she remarried an amazing guy, she runs a sucessful business that allows her husband to now be a stay at home dad and they had four other children and are a happy family of seven.

My friend from kindergarden got pregnant at 18, a one night stand at a party he was younger than her. She was wild! Having sex and partying, lots of drugs, completely irresponsible. Forgot to take her birth control. She didnt even know who the dad was cause she had slept with the dad’s best friend around the same time. Having a baby completely changed her. 180 degree difference. She has had her struggles becoming a mom at 18, but she does her absolute best and is a good mom.

Not sure if others stories help but..Hugs to you, you arn’t a bad mom. You did nothing wrong. Sometimes people have to experience and do things for reasons we can’t understand. She is going to need you once the baby is here and she is forced to grow up! Talk to her, but you in no way have to be happy and excited that this is happening.

Post # 4
Member
3270 posts
Sugar bee

I’m sorry, this is rough. But you absolutely have spoiled her quite badly by being the soft place she can land when she decides to jump out a window. She knows there are no consequences for her irresponsible actions. 

I expect that at some point they will all want to live with you because they can’t afford to be an adult. Make a plan and stick to it. Stop with the enabling and self flagellation

 You weren’t a bad parent, you were simply clueless how to deal with a child with a mental disorder. You’re far from alone in this.

Post # 6
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I’m so sorry Bee and I think the others already said some very important things. And I don‘t think that you have to feel responsable for her decisions. 

Was she in counseling as well or has she been to individual therapy? I don’t know if she’s always been like this or if this started after she gave her baby away? Could it be that she suffers from depression?

Post # 8
Member
3090 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

sunburn :  well that was completely unnecessary. 

OP, it sounds like you have tried your best but unfortunately your best sometimes just isn’t enough. I hope she figures her stuff out and gets to a more mature place sooner rather than later. You’re in a really tough spot trying to navigate between giving her the support and love she needs to fall back on if things go south and not wanting to enable. I completely disagree with sunburn that you spoiled her. I’m also not sure where the mental disorder comment came from.. understand that sometimes on the internet, people just like to judge without thinking about how their words affect others. 

It sounds to me like she has struggled a great deal more with the adoption of her first baby than she wanted to let on. I’d suggest you talk with her tomorrow and try to have an open and honest discussion about all of it. Something changed in her when she gave up that baby, and while it isn’t fair for her to blame you and your husband, as her parents you are a safe place to throw her blame and anger. Try not to take it personally or get defensive about it. Try to remain calm and communicate your understanding about her emotional struggles. 

I hope you’re able to connect with her and have a constructive conversation. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. ((Hugs))

Post # 9
Member
660 posts
Busy bee

honeybeebuzz :  Sorry this is happening. It may be worth suggesting an IUD in the future as it does not require a daily responsibility. 

Post # 10
Member
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA

Okay, so, full discloure, I have not read any of the comments so far. But I wanted to say that I feel both sides of this story. I’ll start with me when I was 17, and finish with me now, a mom of 4, 3 of which are “adults.” My youngest is 17. I am hoping this will offer you both a glimmer of hope…and solidarity.

I got pregnant with my oldest son at 17. The guy I got pregnant with had 2 kids already (he was 21…ugh), which he did not pay child support for. I was determined to have this baby, with or without him, but was convinced I could handle it on my own either way. Like your daughter, at this point in my life, I had no real comprehension of life, of money, or of raising a child. I had dropped out of high school. I had no job. The longest I had ever worked in my life, at that point, was 3 months at Wendy’s. I thought this loser dude and I would live happily every after and “make it work.” My mother was already out of the picture. My dad was busy drinking. I had zero support, but I still thought it would all just “work out.”

I was so very, very wrong.

I had the baby. I went on to have a second child with him – my older daughter. The “dad” was exactly the shit show everyone knew he would be (except me, apparently), and eventually (once he became physically abusive) I had to leave. By all accounts, I was set up for absolute failure as a young mother.

HOWEVER.

Having kids changed me. My life was immediately no longer about what I wanted. It was about making a good life for my kids. Because of that, I found every odd job I could. I built a career. I went back to school (with the help of my grandparents). Having those two babies, for me, was my wakeup call. I knew the moment they put my son in my arms that I would do literally anything and everything to make life better for him and for any future kids.

I grew TF up. Fast. And I still, to this day, say my kids are the reason I am a functional adult right now, no matter how effed up that sounds.

Fast forward. I married a man (also abusive…seriously, it’s an epidemic) and had 2 more kids. Eventually divorced, because, aside from the crazy emotional abuse, I felt like I had to parent him, as well. I finished school (took me a LONG time, because…well, kids).

Now I have four kids. Oldest is 26. Youngest is 17. I see them and I think to myself…OMG. I had a kid by all of their age. If one of them came home pregnant (or had gotten someome pregnant) I would LOSE MY SHIT. They ARE NOT READY.

But, neither was I.

What I can say, is that life was certainly harder for me after having kids so young and unprepared. But…because I had kids, I was forced to grow up and figure it TF out. It was messy. It wasn’t always pretty. Sometimes, it was downright brutal. If I’m being honest, and I had the chance to do everything over? I would do it again.

But, at the same time, I look at my offpring, and I cannot IMAGINE them being responsible for another human being. I’m sure my family felt exactly the same way. But…and here’s the important part…it wasn’t their choice to make. It wasn’t THEIR path. It was mine. And, to this very day, I OWN that.

So, all of this is to say – I get it. I would be absolutely terrified too, if one of my kids popped up saying they were having a kid. They aren’t ready. But, then again, neither was I. But, I made it work. I gave literally everything I could to make it work. I surprised them all.

Your daughter may, too.

Regardless, it’s not your path. It’s not your journey. You’ve raised her as well as you could, and now she is an adult and must make her own choices and forge her own path, whatever that may look like. It’s time to let her do just that. All you can do, as her mother, is be there as a source of support and guidance, just as you have been her entire life.

Post # 11
Member
5741 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

How devastating. I wonder what her path would have been if she’d decided to keep that first baby? If she would have pulled herself together and actually been better off at this point? It sounds like she’s trying to replace the baby she placed for adoption and she hasn’t dealt with or admitted that she wanted to keep that other baby. Even if she knows/acknowledges in a logical way that she was better off and the baby was better off, that doesn’t change the feelings that she may have been having (and not admitting to) and acting out.

It’s hard to know where to draw a boundary and where to make it firm and it’s hard to force your child to deal with their life and take responsibility when they seem determined to fuck it up. But, at this point, she has decided that she is keeping this baby and seems to have a story going that this baby will make up for the other (for herself and for you).

IMO, the time for tough love was when she was catting off and messing around and overstaying the agreed upon habitation time limit while disregarding the associated responsibilities that were part of the agreement. Once a baby is coming, it’s time to circle the wagons and be as loving (and boundaried) as possible. I have a younger cousin who has spent the last several years making terribly shitty choices in partnerships and career and finances and so on. We’ve all hated (absolutely despised) her partners. The last one was rude and disgusting and when she broke up with him (after a massive DV incident) and he ended up going to jail, we were all breathing sighs of relief. When she ended up pregnant by a new guy (who was “just a friend” and already has other children) after a birthday hookup, we all rolled our eyes and talked THE very most shit behind her back, but it was time to circle the wagons. She has a job but it provides no insurance. She ended up getting a c-section so her hospital bills will be ridiculous and she will be dealing with that fallout for years, probably. Fortunately, our family is really large so no one person (other than her mother) is really shouldering a huge portion of the burden of a new, unplanned baby. But her baby boy has been welcomed with love and joy and she has been loved and encouraged and supported through her pregnancy. She may be able to turn things around in her life for her new son (we’re all really hoping she will), but whatever happens, he is a blessing and he was welcomed as such- as babies deserve to be when they are wanted. Your daughter wants her baby (even though she doesn’t have a damn clue right now what that means).

Think about the amount of support women receive when the people around them “approve” of the choices they’ve made in life. A baby who is likely to be growing up in challenging circumstances with a mother already navigating a significant emotional wound (like a previous child put up for adoption) deserves at least some sort of welcome.

I think you need to speak with your daughter and you need to figure out what is a reasonable way that you will be able to handle this situation because grandparents can make so much difference in the success and well being of a child. Especially one in a situation like your daughter’s.

Post # 12
Member
1558 posts
Bumble bee

At the end of the day she’s an adult and has made her own life choices. You did the best you could as a parent to guide her and it’s not your fault she has made irresponsible choices. I think it will be a tough balance not enabling your daughter but being there for your grandchild. I wish you all the best. You’re not a bad mother at all.

Post # 13
Member
586 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

Hi Bee I am so sorry you are going through this. I think she is still mouring her first baby and by mourning I don’t mean death I just mean the loss of the baby. I know you said you went to post family counseling but did she go to individual counseling by herself? This was a loss to her. She has quilt, remorse and she was young. Counseling is something that you have to continue to go too. It may have taken her years and years of it to understand what she went through. And she should have did it by herself not as a family. She is the one who gave her baby up. Don’t take it personally when she says things like you forced her to give her baby up.She is just very angry and might be that she is angry at herself. I wish I could give you hugs

Post # 14
Member
409 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

As a parent of a daughter in her 20s, I understand your fears and heartache.

Going forward…what is it you want her to do? Have an abortion? I only ask because you said she is making a terrible mistake. Seems like the mistakes were already made. Please do not pressure someone who wants to keep their baby to have an abortion. Again, not saying you are doing this  — I can’t tell from your post.

That is not to say you have to be happy. Tell her there is no way you will ever be happy about the circumstances, but you will love your grandchild.

Under no circumstances let them move in with you. Do not financially support her. As for your concern that she cannot care for the child, you may be wrong. Watch the situation closely and if real neglect occurs, consider reporting it or intervening.

Post # 15
Member
224 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I think part of why acquaintance 1- had such a hard time dealing with her adoption is because she did know her baby was much better off with her aunt and uncle. They had the house, good careers, financial stability, everything she would want to give a child and didn’t have, but she still wanted her. And she felt selfish and terrible for feeling that way, because she did know logically that she did the right thing for her baby, but she wasn’t the same scared girl that got pregnant, who thought a baby would ruin her life and wanted to do the logical thing. She had gone through pregnancy and labor and became a mother, but she wasn’t acting as one. To the world she was just another senior in high school but she didn’t feel like one. She became a mom and wanted to be one.

All three of those girls blossomed into good mothers. They had good mothers. You raised her well she has the ability to rise to the occasion. My friend from kindergarten will say that having him saved her life, he is her entire world and completely changed her trajectory. 

Now if she doesn’t rise to the ocassion and doesnt grow up and is neglectful you’ll cross that bridge when it comes. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe suggest she get a nanny job for an infant or toddler while pregnant to prepare. I do think that at times every one of those single mothers lived with their parents not with significant others but by themselves and they had their parents help with watching their child.

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