Post # 31
honeybeebuzz : well she will figure out quick that a baby isn’t something that can be dumped at mom’s house when she wants to sleep in, and bills don’t pay themselves.
I would suggest you and your husband really get on the same page with exactly how much support you’re willing to provide (babysitting, money, housing, whatever) and absolutely stick to it. Some people have to sink before they swim.
What were the consequences when she quit that job your friend gave her?
Post # 32
I am sorry for all you have gone through, Bee. Would that all parents be willing to try so hard to do all the right things for their children.
No advice, just my wishes for the best possible outcome, whatever that may ultimately be.
Are you familiar with the principles around learning to love with detachment? The concept has become a staple for those who are close to addicts; but, it works well in any situation in which you just have to let go, although you still love the person deeply.
Post # 33
- Wedding: September 2020 - Summer Camp!
honeybeebuzz : Hey, I’m not a doctor at all, but you say that she “doesn’t think about 5 minutes past the future”. Could she have an executive functioning deficit like ADHD? Impulsivity is definitely an issue for teens, but this is extreme.
Post # 34
I just want to tell you that I think you sound like a wonderful mother and that you really did do all you could to raise your children right. I have a family friend who is in a very similar situation and while they were amazing parents, their daughter has simply made some poor decisions that have left her couch surfing with two infants. After years of supporting her both financially and emotionally, they finally had to cut her off. There is minimal communication between them and she hardly sees her grandchildren. I am hoping your family can work it out, it sounds like you are both very devoted parents.
Post # 35
Two things in your post stood out to me…
Well she quit the job and the deadline came and went
She agreed and then it kept happening
What were the consequences when the deadline was up? What’s the point of setting a deadline when no one does anything when it’s not met? What was the consequence when she kept using your place like a crash pad? Did she maintain a job and save money like she agreed to?
My parents would never let me do this. I had a similar upbringing to slomotion where there was this instilled fear. If there isn’t that instilled fear, then you need to actually follow through and let your children know there are consequences to their actions. It sounds like there was never any follow through on your part and it seems your daughter knows this and uses it to her advantage.
I think you need to set some firm boundaries about how much you’re willing to help and actually follow through with it. Don’t just say “no you can’t do that’ and then allow it to happen.
As some PPs have said, I also feel like she is mourning her first baby. She should get into counseling for that. As her mother, I’d pay for something like that.
Post # 36
- Wedding: July 1998 - City, State
Westwood : kristin36890 : That was the last straw actually. She broke the agreement that she made with us and the counselor. So at that point we told her she couldnt stay anymore and we cut her off financially. She left for a few weeks, came home for a few hours, left again, finally returning in January to pick up her things.
moissamight : She has seen three counselors, a psychologist, and a psychiatrist. She has never been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD. Our daughter sort of has this philosophy (not sure where she got it from) that you just let life happen, go with the flow, no big deal, nothing bad will ever happen to her. Like getting into cars with someone who is drunk. I asked, “Do you think it was a good choice to get in the car with someone who was driving drunk?” Her response was, “We didn’t die, stop worrying mom, nothing bad is going to happen.” She has this invincibility streak and I dont know where it came from.
Post # 37
This from your post stuck out to me “We dont say anything because we know that if we do say something it will just push her farther away. So we keep our opinions to ourselves and slap a smile on our faces and bear it” I don’t think you’ve failed, because we all make mistakes, and your daughter is an adult now she is responsible for her own life. BUT, like another PP said about her not having fear of her parents, this passage from your original post stood out to me because you were more afraid of your daughter. If this is the case, I don’t think it began here nor ends here, if you have had this attitude with her all her life, maybe you felt guilt about the first pregnancy, and wanted to keep her protected, you have inadvertently spoiled her with leniency. its time for tough love now.
Post # 38
- Wedding: July 1998 - City, State
malayna : Let me clarify, we didnt start the slap a smile on your face and bear it until after she turned 19. The counselor told us that our daughter is the kind of teen who gets her back up as soon as someone “confronts” about her behaviors even when done in a calm manner. So we agreed that any issues that arise, we wouldnt get into a confrontation and we would address them in a non confrontational way, like in a letter or the no judgment space of therapy.
The counselor said to make statements that begin with something like, “I feel we dont understand your actions, can you please explain where you are coming from?”
Then we were only allowed to voice our disapproval once, and let the matter drop. She is an adult who knows we disapprove but still in control of her own actions.
Post # 39
I think you are a good parent and did everything you could to help your daughter. Did you make some mistakes? Sure. But you are not responsible for this. The years from 18 to 24 are really difficult for parents these days. I have friends who have dealt with their children’s drug abuse, pregnancies, bad decisions, lack of working, etc. It is epidemic. I really think it takes to age 25 for someone to become a real adult these days. There is nothing you can really DO except wait for her to mature a bit. Nothing you say or don’t say wil make a difference. You are not wrong in your assessment that she is not ready. She isn’t financially ready and she is not emotionally ready and she is in a relatively new relationship. I also think the speed in which people jump into relationships and livie with someone has added to the craziness of these situations. It is hard to build something solid on shifting sands. But that doesn’t mean that she can’t have a good future. About half of the children are born to mothers who aren’t marreied today or are living with someone but not marrying them. Today most states provide Medicaid/Obamacare plans for mothers and their babies along with other benefits. Many people use these plans and get decent medical care. Some states offer a mentoring plan for new mothers where RNs meet with the mother and baby for the first two years and provide practidal advice and mentor the young Moms. Your daughter could benefit from this. It is really hard when we can’t rescue our adult children from situations but there comes a time we have to let go. I am sure no matter what once the baby is born, you will love this baby and your daughter will too. That will provide some positive change. I guess the next question will be will you and your husband have to help her with the baby? Babysit so she can work? Provide financial help? I think it is great if you and your husband can continue with counseling. There are a lot of decisions for you too in this.
Post # 40
I feel so badly for you. It sounds like you tried your best but your daughter continues to make bad choices and just not responsible. The best case scenario is that having this baby forces her to grow up or worst case she spirals more into irresponsibilit, gets overwhelmed and gives up her baby again (either to adoption or to you).
I know a woman who had a baby at age 25 and is on govt assistance since she doesnt make enough money (even tho she does live in her own apt). The grandparents help ALOT with childcare so mom can work (multiple days per week).
I guess you have to decide how much you want to help, but I wouldn’t feel obligated. She needs to become an adult now and own her choices, however bad they may be.