(Closed) Daughter Marrying a Man 20 years older. 25 & 45.

posted 4 years ago in 40 Something
Post # 31
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee

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shortbread654 :  I really don’t think a big blow out fight is necessary. I’ve been with my Fiance 8 years now and we’ve never had a big fight. We also have a 15 year age gap but I think the reason we don’t fight is much more to do with our personalities. If there are issues we then calmly discuss them. Both of us get our feelings and thoughts across and we have a lot of respect and care for each other. Yelling at each other isn’t going to achieve any better communication than having a calm discussion. 

Post # 32
Member
650 posts
Busy bee

At 21, I was dating a 40 year old, we dated for four years and were engaged for one of them. The end of the relationship had nothing to do with the age gap. My current fiance is almost ten years older than I am. My sister married a man with a twenty year age gap – they too were engaged after less than a year and are quite happy.

If he seems like a good man, I don’t see why his age would be an issue. Your daughter is a full-fledged adult at twenty five.  Trust her to make her own decisions.

If there are other red flags about this man, by all means express your concerns, but his age shouldn’t have anything to do with it. 

Post # 33
Member
490 posts
Helper bee

I am not a big fan of this but she is over 21 and can make her own decisions. The problem will be when she is 40 and he is 60. Party time for her nap time for him.

Post # 34
Member
854 posts
Busy bee

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beeingamama :  Such a large age gap would be a dealbreaker for me personally and have me concerned as a parent if I was in your shoes. I think your concern about limiting opportunities if she focuses on motherhood right now is valid, however that could happen with a man of any age. What I might be concerned about is that in 15 years, her husband will be 60, an age at which most people start slowing down and chronic health problems start arising, and your daughter will be 40, which is still in the prime of her life. Since there is a big age gap, she will have to transition to a caretaker role earlier, and yes that can limit opportunities in life. But the decision of where this relationship goes is not up to me or you.

It’s your daughter’s decision, and, as her mother, you should support her and make sure that she knows and feels that you have her back…no matter what.

Post # 35
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

I think a 20 year age gap is far from ideal, however it’s not such a stupid idea it’s worth alienating your daughter. The thing is, although an age gap isn’t great, on the other hand it’s not so easy to find a good partner. I have a 12 year age gap with my husband and I wish I didn’t. But all the men my age (including previous partners) have no interest in even being boyfriends, let alone husbands and fathers. Going on dates with 35 year olds who tell you “I’m too young to be in a relationship”, not to mention all the peter pan guys we hear about on this forum. Is it any wonder some women settle for old men? We all have to make some sacrifice. 

It’s a bit different for me than for your daughter since I’m 31 – your daughter still has time to shop around whereas I didn’t. But the pickings out there are so slim! 

Post # 36
Member
3313 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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beeingamama :  I married my  husband when I was 20 and he is 37 years older than me. We aren’t rich but things are good . 

Post # 37
Member
619 posts
Busy bee

If I’m being honest, as you are asking my opinion (I wouldn’t say this to your face or to hers), I think there is something wrong with your future son in law that he can’t relate to a woman his own age. If he’s with such a young woman because he wants kids, I’d hope he has spent the past 20 years making a good career, buying a house, etc and I would advise my daughter to not sign a prenup. I hope they don’t wait too long to have kids because he is already pushing it at his age (if he wants to be around for any significant part of their lives and enjoy being a grandfather.) I’d also advise my daughter that she go back to school at some point once the kids are in school to get training because she will definitely outlive her husband by many years. Being a widow is no fun, and she will likely be one for 30 years or more. All things to consider, unpleasant as they are. 

Post # 38
Member
7582 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

It sounds to me like you’re trying to come up with things to justify why you feel the way you do – but technically all of those things (like carear and travel) have nothing to do with his age. A good majority of the population is married at 25, and while yes I’d venture to say most them have a spouse close to their age, it doesn’t stop them from having a job or continuing to travel. DH and I are 32 & 35. If anything we travel MORE now than we did in our 20’s because we have move disposable income.Is a 20 year age difference something I would do? No, but it’s also not my relationship. They are two consenting adults and if he treats her well and she loves him that’s what matters. More than likely there will come a time down the road where she might regret it but that’s for her to figure out. When she’s 45 and still super active and he’s 65 and would rather stay home – she might think differently.

Post # 39
Member
854 posts
Busy bee

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pancakes11 :  “But all the men my age (including previous partners) have no interest in even being boyfriends, let alone husbands and fathers.”

I think your experience is valid, but this is just not true. Men in their 20s and 30s definitely have an interest in being boyfriends, husbands, and fathers. The men I’ve been in relationships with have always had that interest, and my DH and I got married between 25 and 30 years old. Almost all of our friends are in serious relationships, and on the road to marriage (we’re on the East Coast, so people don’t start getting married until their mid to late 20s). We’re currently not TTC, but we’re planning on having kids in the next few years. Many women in the world (and on here) have similar experiences.

I know everyone’s experience is different, and I’m sorry yours was not what you expected, but stereotyping men as a monolith not interested in being boyfriends, husbands, and fathers is wrong.

Post # 40
Member
1239 posts
Bumble bee

As the child of an older father (he was 49 when I was born) I can say the experience doesn’t have much to recommend it.

Post # 41
Member
619 posts
Busy bee

Deleted for duplicate msg. Please see below.

Post # 42
Member
619 posts
Busy bee

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tinneranne2 :  thank you for this dose of reality and honesty. I’ve been saying this IRL and on message boards for years and I get a heap of resistance and backlash for it. The patriarchy is strong. They love to push the fallacy that men can go on reproducing forever, which is not only false (sperm quality, mobility and quantity diminish with age) but impractical. At what cost? Even if you do manage impregnate someone, at what cost? Do you want to be that energetic dad that plays ball, wrestles around and jumps in the pool with your kids or the dad who sits on the bench at the park with your 5 year old? By 60 you should be walking your daughter down the aisle and helping her inspect her first house, at 65 you should be a grandfather. Instead your children will be without you. Men can do some things that women can’t but having “no restriction” on the age they reproduce is not one of them. They don’t get a pass on that. 

Post # 43
Member
2317 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

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doglovingwife :  you married a 57 year old when you were 20???

Post # 44
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

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anabee323 :  Sure, of course it’s not all men. I shouldn’t have said that. But it is the experience of many women, and since the OPs daughter is settling for a 45 year old man at 25, seems like it’s been hers. 

Like I said, to me 20 years is to much, so I don’t think the daughter should get married, but I’m shedding some light on why she might. 

Post # 45
Member
10715 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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Innerdonught :  

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Yes I think she did, I’ve seen it posted elsewhere , staggering isnt it !  

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