(Closed) Daughter might be a pathological liar. Help

posted 5 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I actually don’t have that much of a problem with spanking, however, I think she is too old to be spanked. I was spanked as a child, but my dad stopped when I was only 8.

Why?

In large part because the spanking was just something I didn’t care about. Since my dad wasn’t abusive, I knew I could handle the moderate pain of a spanking, and decided they were stupid. If I felt justified, and defiant, the spanking was just one more thing I use to could feel angry at my parents.

It kind of sounds like your daughter is already doing that with the, “Here’s my things, that’s my punishment.” 

She sounds like me and a lot of other people I know; if you offer a consequence and follow through (good parenting!), some people will say, “You know what? I’ll go ahead and take that consequence.”

Spanking would probably be an even easier consequence than taking away toys or losing TV. 

It sounds to me like she is starting to get ashamed, at least, and scared of being caught. Progress? I hope? Her friends will not trust her for a long time, though. She’s going to be dealing with the fallout for a while, and because of that, may intensify her attention-seeking.

I’m afraid I don’t know how to solve the problem, but I hope you are able

Post # 4
Member
1671 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@TexasSpringBride:  Is there an alternative school or maybe a private catholic/christain school she can go too? Usually they are more hardcore and have alternative methods of punishment.  Maybe try family therapy in addition to that therapy. Or here is an idea can you have a juvi take her on a “tour”? 

 

She needs some sort of rude awakening. If she was older I would reccomend military school. 

 

Your obviously distressed about this and I”m sorry. I can’t imagine how to deal with this as a parent.

 

I personally grew up with a couple girls like this and by the time we were in high school they were accusing men/boys/teachers of molesting or raping them. My guy friend was accused and arrested, taken down to the jail questioned and his rep was ruined. Then a year later the girl tries out for a glee audition and posts a video on her facebook that this was the hardest thing she has ever gone through. Someone calls her on it and she finally admits publicly that she lied about the whole thing because she was jealous of his Girlfriend. It just seriously gets out of hand.

Post # 5
Member
598 posts
Busy bee

My idea: This child needs to continue with therapy. Period. Unless she grows out of this phase but until then therapy must be continued. You can only do so much on your end.

Post # 7
Member
1846 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I would be very careful with your thoughts on spanking with this type of child. I could see her saying that she was beaten and exaggerating what happened and I could see you getting into a lot of trouble. 

Does this girl get a lot of positive attention for things she does well, or is she only getting attention for the negative things? Does she get 1-1 time with you and your DH? Do you talk to her about how she feels about not having many friends? 

I hope I’m not coming across as accusatory or judgmental, Im just trying to undstand the bigger picture.

Im very sorry, this is a very hard situation.

Post # 9
Member
3121 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@TexasSpringBride:  Wow…this is pretty scary!  How satisfied with the therapist are you?  I really feel like they should be giving you more advice other than “take her things away”.

Post # 11
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@FortiesFlare:  I am not a parent, but I have a younger brother that had a LOT of issues while in school. Eventually they ended up putting him in a “special education” class (he didn’t have any issues other than needing 1 on 1 with a teacher, constantly) and honestly, it was the best thing we ever did for him. He was getting attention he needed and while he still had some issues, having someone constantly with him helped a lot. 

Post # 12
Member
1776 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m afraid sending to a military type school might up the ante wrt abandonment:  I’m so bad that now no one loves me.  

  Others have made good points about how spanking might not be effective.  

  The private school thing might help, if you could find the right one.  

  Is there ANYTHING that she values highly enough that losing it hurts?  Maybe a merit/demerit thing where if she gets enough merits she’s entitled to whatever …?  That way she can make progress forward, but see it disappear if she screws up.

Post # 13
Member
1362 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Honestly, I lied a lot as a child, never as intensely as she is though and I would never ever harm another soul. It was more about doing my homework and chores, you know what cured it? My parents stopped believeing me, and taking me seriously. So did my teachers. When it was only lies it just made me angry, I would walk in, say a whopper and they would look up, say oh really? and then keep doing what they were doing, It drove me insane, at school they would always always always call my parents to make sure I was being honest. Maybe you can get the principal to tell her that she has to bring a witness of sorts to believe her or call you guys?

After a while of not being believed I told the truth about something serious. They didn’t believe me, it was horrible, I felt so lost and just did not know what to do. A couple of days went by, I told them again that I wasn’t lying, they confirmed it, and then they explained that since I would always lie, it was a case of the boy who cried wolf. That fixed it for me. 

Post # 15
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@TexasSpringBride:  I am not sure why you keep calling the school when your daughter makes some lie up. Pretty soon the school will be annoyed with you – and that’s not a good thing if you want them to do something to help your daughter. This is a super tricky situation. Is the therapy not working? I agree with the PP that spanking probably won’t do anything to solve this. I would probably make her teachers aware of the scenario so they can keep an eye on her. I know that you’re supposed to side with your child, but this is a really big problem and if it’s not solved, it could turn into big trouble.

I wish you lots of luck… I really don’t know what the heck I would do in this situation myself 🙁 I knew at age 11 that lying was wrong and the difference between right and wrong. She should know as well.

Post # 16
Member
2125 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

This is something that may improve with age. At 11, she has very poor ability to undersstand consequences. With most children, it hasn’t occured to them to lie so much, but since she has some emotional issues she has found a way to seek attention, like the therapist says.

Although I don’t have an issue with some corporal punishment, I think 11 is far to late for that. She may start turning her lies towards you.

I would encourage you not to refer to her as a “pathological liar”, it’s a little to early to diagnose her with some kind of personality disorder, as her age increases, her judgment of how lying affects how others see her will most likley improve, although she may fib here and there to her friends and such she will learn soon enough that people won’t like her for it. 

Personally, I would’t give much weight to any serious claims that she makes. Assess how realistic they are, in this most recent case, you realized that principles don’t fire teachers and that students aren’t usually privvy to what’ goes on behind school administrater doors. She may very well thrive off of your reaction. I think the counselor is right you need to call her on her lies, explain exactly how you know what she said isn’t true, draw the truth out of her, don’t let her get away with it, ever. 

Have her continue therapy, keep following the advice of her therapist, I think that’s all you can do. I hope it gets better. 

 

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