(Closed) Daughter might be a pathological liar. Help

posted 8 years ago in Parenting
Post # 77
Member
1744 posts
Bumble bee

You say that she only really cares about being right.  OK so if she want’s so badly to be right, how does she square that with lying – which is ‘wrong’.   Is she really honestly unclear that lying is wrong?

ETA:  Or, is that right is whatever she decides it is?

Post # 79
Member
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

I’ve read a lot of responses and I think one good suggestion would be to stop the positive reinforcements because it sounds like she can mimic good behavior when she wants to and instead stop trusting anything she says, good or bad true or false, and show her the real meaning of crying wolf. Reacting to her lies in any way is giving her what she wants.

As for the physical violence and humiliating other kids publicly, I don’t even know. So not okay. 

Post # 81
Member
6255 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

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@mrsbruff2b:  Honestly, I thought of that, too–tell DD, “So-and-so told me that you cheated on a big test at school (or whatever) and so as a punishment we aren’t going to allow you to come with us to Disney.”

Of course, once she realizes what trouble false accusations cause, she will be allowed to go, if she’s truly repentant.

Post # 82
Member
1653 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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@harperlynn:  I do agree with the juvie idea, wholeheartedly.

I was spanked as a kid from time to time and boy did that set me straight. However, I do think she’s too old for that.

I feel like you two are doing everything you can but this isn’t stopping. At this point I would also take away the positive reinforcements because as PP’s have said, she can probably mimic “good behaviour” in order to get the positive reinforcements. Put her on complete lockdown. No phone calls to friends, computer time, etc. Make her sit and read books or write out her feelings. If you give her a creative outlet, maybe it will help.

Post # 83
Member
1744 posts
Bumble bee

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@TexasSpringBride:  Thanks for the clarificaion. 

So she likes having the power to mainpulate people with her lies.  

Are there things that she does know are wrong?  And avoids doing it because it’s wrong?  … I ask because if there are some things that she agrees are wrong, then I wonder why she puts lying in an acceptable category, and why it’s different than other wrong things.   

I don’t have other suggestions than seeing what another psychiatrist says.  as with PP given this is conscious and manipulative I wonder if there is another Diagnosis going on besides abandonment issues.  

I feel for how hard you’re working and worrying over this issue

Post # 84
Member
1845 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I agree with the pp who mentioned attachment issues vrs. Abandonment issues.

I am trying to adopt right now, and a common issue with adoptees is attachment issues and I’ve dine a lot of research in the subject. I would advise you to do the same, if you haven’t already done so, you might find some different approaches in dealing with her behaviour. 

I know it you might not think she has these issues because she’s attached to you or your DH or whoever, but it does sound like she does to me so it can’t hurt looking into it. 

Post # 85
Member
1571 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

This sounds so frustruating, my heart really goes out to you and your family.

I can tell you one thing, though. I would NOT be bringing this kid to Disney.

Post # 86
Member
5892 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m so sorry you are dealng with this and she has no idea just how lucky she is for having you in her life.

 

Firstly–I know your fear for the consequenses of her lying. But Tough Love– that is all on her. I will be painful if she ends up in juevy, jail, etc but you can’t let that fear dictate how you react to her.

 

2nd- It sound like the lying is getting all the attention, but it’s really a sympton of not being able to deal with her emotions. Whenever she feels bad (angry, sad, upset, ignored, etc), she lashes out. I wonder if more attention needs to be paid to help her regulate her emotions. Maybe even medication. It sounds like she gets so overwhelmed by negative feelings, that the only way she can feel good again is to lie. Maybe medication will help take the edge off of the overwhelmingness of bad feelings and help her learn to regulate better.

 

3rd- maybe her “punishement” should be good things happen to other people. She lies, you take the other kids for ice cream. She lies, you buy the other kids gifts. Let her know up front that the bad behavior will lead to good things for other people. (She doesnt seemed bothered by bad things happening to her, but really bothered by good things happening to other people)

Post # 89
Member
1744 posts
Bumble bee

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@KoiKove:  that creative punishment sounds like it might have a chance. 

Post # 90
Member
4369 posts
Honey bee

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@TexasSpringBride:  have the therapists been able to come up with any psychiatric diagnosis? Are you and your husband open to medications?

Post # 91
Member
5892 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

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@TexasSpringBride:  There is very little you can do to screw her up more! You love her and are trying, so short of abandoning her again, dont worry about screwing her up more. Also, she will most likely be in therapy for the rest of her life. She sounds like she is having Attachemnt Disorder or the beginnings of Borderline Personality Disorder. At this point the goal isnt to make her “normal”, its to decrease the disruption in your lives and help her create a life she can be happy with. 

 

I know that sound cruel, but think about it. Lets assume that there is truely something wrong with her brain. It just was wired funny (nature, nurture, doesnt matter). Imagine the amount of pressure she is under to be “normal”. Kinda like have an autistic kid–they will never be “normal” and you are better off trying to help them become the best person they can be. Acknowledge that she might struggle and may always need to be in therapy to deal with her mis-wired brain. 

 

And I really would look into medications. Again I think the problem is less about lying and more about not being able to deal with her emotions. 

And maybe some actvities she can do alone or not compete with other people like training for a 5K. Maybe as a family you can train together. 

 

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