Post # 1
I have two daughters who are both engaged. My oldest has been with her fiance for several years and the younger for less than a year. My youngest has been engaged for about 4 months and the oldest just recently. Both want to get married next fall during the same month.
My husband and I are not able to pay for their weddings, though we will as much as we can afford. We love them both dearly and want them to be happy. My oldest daughter has very expensive taste and wants a big wedding and the youger a simple family gathering. The problem lies in that they both want to get married the same month, have similar color schemes and neither seems willing to budge. My husband and I feel that we are in the middle and woudl like there to be some sort of compromise. The younger is afraid that because her wedding will be more simple and fewer people that her day will be overshaddowed by her older sister’s.
I think that we should all sit down and talk about setting dates at least one month apart, but I know it is all going to blow up. What is the best way to resolve things? To ignore each others feelings could cause deeper wounds that I think they will regret in the long run.
Post # 2
Sitting down to talk about it is a good start. I’d say come up with a sum of how much you can afford to give, and explain that if they both get married in the same month, you’ll have to split that sum between them…it’s ultimately their decision if they insist on getting married in the same month. Not to sound harsh, but the downsides that comes with having a wedding in the same month is their problems, and they’ll have to work it out between themselves. As long as they know what to expect from you, I’m afraid that’s all you can do.
Post # 3
The timing is ultimately their issue to settle, but I think they should compromise: they should agree not to get married in the month that they both want because how else would they be able to agree who gets that month?
Post # 4
sounds like the younger the younger daughter is in right here – she got engaged first, and so laid claim to the month first (assuming that she’s actually started planning things). Your older daughter is being a bit of a dick to decide that she HAS to get married in the same month that her younger sister already started planning for. Sounds like maybe there’s some jealousy here over her younger sister getting married first?
i would sit down with both of them and tell your oldest daughter that if she chooses to get married in the same month that your younger daughter already started planning for, then you won’t be supportive of their wedding. There are 12 months in a year, and she’s being really unkind to her sister.
Caveat: this is assuming that your youngest daughter actually started planning for her wedding already. It’s a totally different story if your younger daughter has been doing nothing but day dreaming for the past four months while her older sister got engaged and started planning her wedding, only for the younger sister to say “but I wanted that!” In that case, it’s too bad so sad to the younger daughter
TLDR: who started actually planning their wedding first? That’s the daughter that “gets” the month. The other needs to change or you should tell her you won’t be supportive.
Post # 5
If they really want the same month, maybe one could marry the first week-end and the other the last week-end of that month? It’s still would be the same month, but enough time would have pass to not make it seems too close.
Post # 6
They can get married in the same month if they want to. Just make it clear that your time will be evenly divided between the two and they both get the same finacial help no matter what their tastes are. If they are worried that they will be competing for attention then that is a totally different issue
Post # 7
momoftwogirls : momoftwogirls :
they can get married in the same month. No bride get a whole month or year. They get a day or the most a weekend. You will have to sit them down and state this to remind them that their wedding day is just that, their relationships shouldnt suffer. It will be better for everyone involved if everyone cooperate since it will be a busy year.
You should tell them that this is an exciting time and what amount you are prepared to give them equally (ex: 5000$ each) as a gift for their wedding as they please but they will have to pay the rest themselves. So your daughters should write a budget they can afford and work with that. Your daughters’s wedding shouldn’t overshadowed each other if you treat them equally. There shouldn’t be any jealousy either because their wedding should reflect them (bride and groom) and your daughters and their fiance are all unique individual.
Your daughters will have different wedding espicially as they have different taste. From here, it seem the younger one will need your time to do mostly DIY projects while your oldest daughter is to shop around. You should also clarify your attention availabilities but even if it is a month apart, you will still be overwhelmed. So investing at least in a day of or a month coordinator will be useful.
Note: I had a friend that got engaged first and started to planned her wedding then a few months later her two youngest got engaged too and they support all each other. They got married in the same place and at relatively at the same time. Her parents thought it would be ridiculous to invite their family three time. It was beautifully done and memorable. I won’t ever forget that wedding.
Post # 8
You have received some great advice, my only contribution has to do with your monetary contributions to their weddings: it should be equal for each. Let them know they will get X amount each, and they can do with that what they wish. If your oldest has expensive taste and wants an extravagent blowout, she can fork over the rest herself. Same with the younger, sounds like the money might go farther for her wedding, but if it doesn’t cover everything, she will need to cover the difference.
Good luck, hope it all works out okay!
Post # 9
This happened to me with my Brother-In-Law. We told them we were heavly set on the date, two weeks later they announced that they officially chose that date. I was emotionally upset and told my husband that it was the date I really wanted and I’m refusing to move it. When we told them that this was the date we had picked and that we told them earlier the Brother-In-Law absolutely denied knowing about it and said “Why does it matter you’ll get a divorce anyway.” This set up a huge divide between him and I. He even went as far as for the Secret Santa gift he got me that year was a piece of trash, I almost called off my engagement because of the issues it caused. They ended up getting married after us and our wedding was definantly more focused on our guests while theirs was more focused on them.
To this day I refuse to be around him unless absolutey necessary.
Our scenario was the extreme of being the same day, but I don’t see the issue of the same month. Just sit down with them and talk about what they want, it may help save their relationship.
Post # 10
I don’t think it’s that big of a deal as long as the weddings are a couple weeks apea in the same month – allowing the first daughter time to get back from a honeymoon if that’s in their plans. You should point out to them that if a lot of your family lives out of town, the family members may have to pick and choose which wedding to attend if they are short on vacation time and / or money.
As for contributing financially, take the amount you planned to give and give each daughter half. However they choose to spend it is their own choice- i.e., the daughter planning the bigger wedding absolutely does NOT get more money.
Post # 11
Give them each a check for however much you want to contribute, and tell them to figure out their dates and plans on their own. There’s nothing wrong with them marrying in the same month unless they make a big fuss over it. If they’re mature enough to be married, they’re old enough to find a compromise and they don’t need to be dragging their parents into it.
Post # 12
Is there a significant reason for both of their chosen wedding dates?
My sister and I got married two weeks apart because of when our dating anniversaries just so happened to be. Really, it was fine. But we didn’t expect our parents to pay for large portions of it. My wedding was much simpler and smaller than my sister’s but it was exactly what I wanted. Sounds like if it isn’t a problem regarding them expecting you to pay for the wedding then it’s something they neeed to talk to each other about. And if they are fine getting married in the same month then it shouldn’t be a big deal to anyone else.
Post # 13
Assuming they’re both adults, tell them you’re not getting in the middle of the month debate, and they need to work it out like mature women. You shouldn’t have to deal with that.
Post # 14
first off u have to sit them down n explain that they are being selfish and they need to be supportive to each other.
Next, who announced it first? The wedding month(regardless of who got engaged first) think it will be that persons chance.
Also, I think it’s still possible for 1 to take first week and other to take last week; however u should make it clear n be stern that u will not tolerate any fights or jealousy regarding your time/ attention cuz u can do only so much n if they do fight that u will not do anything for either of them. Also it’s best to let them know that u have only so much savings and since they both want to get married around the same time without giving u a break to save more you will have to split it between them. I would like to remind u that it has to be equal i.e. If ur eldest has expensive taste she has to figure out rest; and your youngest can spend rest of the money as she pleases since she is going for a simple wedding.
You should also let them know that you will go together for things that can be done together like dress shopping and all.
Post # 15
Well, I would not allow yourself or your husband to be made to be too much ” in the middle of it ” It is a situation entirely of their own making and sitting down and endlessly listening to them carry and and having you try to make peace is not reasonable to my mind , and is likely to get you into rows and unpleasantness and flouncing outs and and sulks etc
As a pp has said, it they are old enough to get married, they are old enough to sort out their own dates. The colour schemes and and the like are not your problem and shouldn’t be made to be so .
“To ignore each others feelings could cause deeper wounds that I think they will regret in the long run.” Possibly, but they are not children and you can’t emotionally manage them forever.
I second all the pps who have said, give them what you can/want each – an equal amount of course – and tell them the way they spend it is absolutely their choice , and that you will be happy to go dress shopping or whatever they want, but will not , repeat NOT, arbitrate issues they have created by this date thing . Nor will you or your husband be drawn into discussions about whose wedding ideas are better/classier/ more practical/superior etc etc