Post # 1
I had briefly explained my situation on this thread – http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/just-got-engaged-and-i-am-so-sad-and-devastated
and its been two/three days and i am still so sad. i am asian, and filiel piety is big on our culture, so it worries me immensely that his parents do not want him to get married to me. i am worried that he will “listen” to them and postpone the engagement or call it off. his mom has a way of twisting EVERYTHING (and him and all his siblings admit that) and its hard to redeem myself after she thinks i’m already selfish, spoiled, and posessive.
(for the record, even if what she accuses me of doing is true, its not even THAT BAD. not bad enough to prevent a marriage. his twin brother was on the fastrack to marriage with a girl who refused to eat dinner with their parents and cheated on him at least 3 times. no complaints there?)
instead of feeling happy and secure that my Fiance proposed to me, i am so anxious and constantly asking for his reassurance. i am worried that the pressure of his parents not approving will get to him, and he will take it back or break it off or something.
i am so upset that his parents are so selfish. i would go into more detail, but this is so long already and i don’t want to ramble further. if there are questions, i’d be more than happy to answer. i am just so, so sad that they wont accept me and now im constantly living in fear that my Fiance will “crack”. i feel worse than when we were just dating bc i thought his parents liked me! like i said, they gave us money to buy a house together, him and i. they offered it, he didnt even ask.
if you have any in-law drama, please share 🙁 misery loves company?
Post # 4
Honestly there are a lot of moms like that. It has finally become real that she is losing her baby. She is going to lash out. She is no longer the most important woman in her son’s life. My Future Mother-In-Law is going thru something similar. She has even more reason to hate me though. I made her son face the truth about their family situation. He now sees that his dad is not the bad guy and never has been. These are her issues. Now my Fiance has a great relationship with his dad and is pulling further and further away from his alcoholic mom. I am not worried though. If he they push him to choose it is his choice. Bettter he choose them over me before the wedding then after.
Post # 5
I’ve had issues with my Future Mother-In-Law before as well with her thinking that I’m not good enough for her son and that I don’t cook well enough or take care of him well enough. Eventually she got used to the fact that I am here for the long haul and that she will have to deal with me, like it or not. She finally got used to it and things have been better.
My advice to you is to hang in there and stick it out. DO NOT let this woman take your happiness away. She will come around in time. Also, be VERY sweet and kind to her. It will make you look good and soon she will realize that she has no reason to hate you. Give her no ammo to work with.
Good luck! 🙂
Post # 6
My Mother-In-Law and I don’t have the best relationship. She doesn’t “hate” me, but she doesn’t particularly love me either. Obviously Darling Husband married me anyway. I think sometimes it’s a weird thing with mothers and sons. My friend and I made this pact with each other that if we had sons and saw the other one acting like our MILs do with us, we would stop each other. :o)
Try not to let it bother you too much, this is such a happy time for you both!
Post # 7
Thank you all. I’m sorry I keep complaining about this on the boards… I cant tell my RL friends about this, and it is killing me not hearing feedback about the situation. Like many of you mentioned, I think it is her not willing to let go of her son. My Fiance is the oldest and the first to get engaged, so I guess shes not used to it yet. But its so unfair to ruin me and FI’s time because she can’t just accept it.
She keeps texting him “are you ok?” uhh.. we would be ok if you stopped acting like this. Ugh. I am still so resentful inside. Usually Fiance skypes his mom every Thursday to chat, and yesterday he didnt because he was sick and forgot (he took a sick day off work too). I bet shes gong to tell everyone that Fiance didnt skype her bc me, the posessive fiance, didnt let him.
Post # 8
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through that! Some people are psycho! If you want company in your misery, here is my crazy FIL’s http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/ffil-and-fsmil-invitation
Post # 9
I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like she is immature in this area and is having difficulty with the fact that her relationship with her son is changing. She may have depended on him to meet her emotional needs in an unhealthy way. (I’m not talking anything extreme here, but perhaps she felt that he was supportive or someone she could share her problems with, etc., and now their relationship has changed.) She should see her husband as her strongest emotional attachment and not her son. If she is an alcoholic, she is probably off-balance and depends on her kids and has withdrawn from her husband. It definitely seems that she is lashing out — but honestly she is just going to have to feel this pain and get over it. Perhaps this will drive her closer to her husband in the end now that she can’t turn to her son for his time and emotional support in the same way as before.
Post # 10
I will make this short and sweet .. my Fiance is Jewish and I am Christian .. at first i was freaking out and would cry for days becasue I knew his family wantred a nice jewish girl for him. He calmed me down and told me .. no one can tell me anything to change my mind. I love you and if they love me then they will respect me and respect my desicion.
I hope this helps .. dont let them ruin ur moment.
Post # 11
You should PM me 😛 I have to run but you are welcome to talk to me, I have a ton of crazy stories to share if it would help you feel better.
Post # 12
I feel your pain. My Future In-Laws aren’t exactly overjoyed with me either. I got written off because of my perceived behavour on a weekend trip. Main complaint seems to be that I’m antisocial because I didn’t stay up all night drinking.
But unlike you, family is not important to me. I’ve been without my own (through choice) for over 20 years. However, family is important to my Fiance.
I know it is hard to not worry that their negativity will make your Fiance doubt you, but as I often remind myself, if an adult man is so easily swayed by his parents, I wouldn’t want him anyway.
Everyone has to grow up sometime. Some parents seem to find that hard to accept.
Post # 13
Mine FIL’s dont like me either! My Fiance two sisters and one things its great that we are engaged and the other wouldnt even congratulate us and keeps sending Fiance hate texts telling him that I dont fit with the family and that she thinks he is making a big mistake and should just take some time to think about it. Also his dad keeps saying his mom dissapproves and his mom says the same about his dad. Now being engaged they are extremely critcal of all of my quirks and keep reminding Fiance that he has to live with “that” the rest of his life.
Family is important to me but I have come to the realization that I spent the last 5 years trying to impress those people and and if they have not come around yet maybe they never will. But the bottom line is that Fiance chose me and if his family really loves him they will learn to love me or we just wont spend time with them. Do not base your happiness on their approval because you will drive yourself crazy! Which you seem to already be doing! You just have to figure out for yourself how to be okay with them not approving of you. Once you can get to that point it will be so much better! It took me a couple of days and a little reasurance but chances are you Fiance made good and sure before he asked you and he knew how his parents felt before he asked you and so if it wasnt enough to stop him from asking them I wouldnt worry abou it being enough to stop him from going through with your plans now.
Post # 14
Firstly, I’m sorry you’re going through this, and you have every right to be sad. I agree with legallyblondiebride that you should still stry to be nice to her. I know a lot of people will disagree with this – but I think in the long run, you will have established yourself as a pretty upstanding and amazing woman if you were able to maintani a respectful attitude toward someone who wasn’t behaving very deservingly. Secondly, I wanted to address the fact that you said you’re anxious and keep asking your fiance for reassurance. Undoubtedly, he should support you and help you during this time. But I’m sure the situation is stressful for him as well, and perhaps trying to calm down a little will help you both support each other during this time. Good luck and hang in there!
Post # 15
Just trust that your Fiance loves you and that it’s strong enough to beat the negativity. I know how you feel, I really do. My Future Mother-In-Law (actually both my in-laws) would try to get my Fiance to reconsider being with me, even after we had a child. I would go to work and they would tell him things along the lines of “why don’t you go out?” or “we don’t think you should be with her.” I’m white and my Fiance is hispanic so I was raised completely differently than what he was, and his parents think that because I don’t ‘serve’ him, that I’m not good enough. His mother has started yelling arguments with me because she doesn’t like how I do laundry, or the fact that I don’t serve him first as “my man.” (I’m sorry, I was raised Southern and it’s ladies first.) They don’t like me working, they don’t like that I don’t take BS. My Fiance loves me, and even though it sucks to have had those nagging voices in his head because of them, we fought through it and I know that nothing is strong enough to seperate us BUT us. Like PP said, hang in there. Once the marriage starts, there’ll be nothing for her to argue against and if she does, SHE is the one coming off as an a$$.
FWIW, I AM spoiled and I will admit it freely, but it’s by my Fiance. His mother absolutely LOATHES that my Fiance helps with raising and caring for our children and that he cares for me so much. He gave me foot rubs during all 3 of my pregnancies, and he still does when I have problems with my heel. He helps me clean, and lets me sleep in on his days off. He does so much for me and our children that my Future Mother-In-Law doesn’t feel is appropriate I guess, but I’ve had to deal with it for so long that now I have to just shrug it off as her outdated “values” and just live my life.