Post # 152
@distracts: She says that she’s not asking for us to buy shoes, we can do hair or makeup however we like and she would be purchasing jewelry as a gift. However I wonder if I could count on her (or the other girls) to stick to that. Just knowing how particular she is, and seeing as how it’s already manifesting in a way that I wouldn’t have imagined, I kind of have the feeling she might decide she couldn’t handle us having just any hair style etc.
As far as showers, I’m cross country so the most I would probably be able to do is mail a gift, and I’m sure she knows that. Not sure if that might be why she’s giving me an out as a bridesmaid, but I’d like to think it isn’t.
Post # 153
@FauxBoho: It’s tough but I think you’ve got a really good feeling for our personalities. If she wasn’t a great girl we wouldn’t be close friends, I guess it’s just now dawning on me that there will be times in our lives that we are not what’s best for each other. If there is another girl (or girls) who lives closer and is able and willing to take the reigns on investing in her wedding and showers then she deserves that. Excluding others is not the route I would go but she’s her own person.
Post # 154
@sablemuse: I don’t think the email was that rude. I assume she brought up the gift budget because you talked about buying a gift. I think you guys are both going about this is a really polite and mature way. You just have to decide if it’s worth it or not.
Post # 155
Accepting as a Bridesmaid or Best Man, you run into this possibility. While I don’t feel it’s fair, it’s her choice. Now you get to make yours. If it’s too expensive then tell her you cannot afford it, thus cannot participate. Then let her decide. You would be putting the ball in her court. You are stating fact. It’s not emotional.
If she really wants you standing next to her, she will figure something out.
Post # 156
Ugh, the part where she says you can either get that dress from that store or not be in the wedding party…ugh! I hate when people treat their bridesmaids like dress-up dolls. YOU should be more important than the dress. Literally no one cares what the bridesmaids wore at a wedding. That said, I’m a keep the peace type so I guess maybe I’d just buy the dumb dress and take her up on that no-gift thing, write her a nice card. On the other hand, it does kind of sound like she wants you to drop out so she doens’t have to worry about your budget anymore :/
Post # 157
@sablemuse: When it was time to order Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses for my girls we all sat down and decided on what their budget was – $100. We ended up finding a dress for about $180, we got small discount for me buying my bridal gown at the same store, and so the total came to $167 each with tax. I told them that I’d pay for anything over the $100 on the dress if they couldn’t afford it, so I paid the $67 for both of my Bridesmaid or Best Man. I’m not paying for their shoes or any alterations, but we already decided that since the dresses are floor length we’re going to get inexpensive nice flats that they can wear again. I’m not paying for the alterations because we simply do not have the extra money to pay for that. One of my Bridesmaid or Best Man decided to start losing a ton of weight around the same time we ordered the dresses. She’s already went down at least 4 pant sizes, and it’s not a corset back dress. We haven’t actually discussed that they would have to pay for the alterations, but at the same time I wouldn’t think she would automatically assume that I’m paying for them. I guess we’ll see how that goes, and hopefully the dress won’t look bad being altered down so much too.
As for your situation, I personally wouldn’t pay that much. I think she should have asked all of you what your total budget was that you could each afford and go from there. Also though, pricing and how much you spend also depends on where you live and your situation. That much for a Bridesmaid or Best Man dress down here seems pretty pricey though.
Post # 158
It’s really unreasonable for her to make those demands of you. I bought the dresses for my bridesmaids as i knew how much they were spending to just come to the wedding and my hen party etc. i did find good deals and got them for a reallt good price, they were really grateful.
My friends being involved is so much more important than a dress!
If she is a good friend then you should be able to sit down with her and explain how much financial pressure this puts on you. But you can’t wait to her bridesmaid and hope there is a way to work it out. maybe find similar dresses that all bridesmaids can go of other than you getting yours separately?
maybe she might realise she is being an idiot.
Post # 159
- Wedding: September 2013 - Lake Anna Winery
@sablemuse: I’m sorry this is happening to you! That’s more than what some bee’s have paid for their own wedding dress! I’d be really upset, especially because it’s a good friend!
I’d remind her how much you are putting towards being AT her wedding and what’s more important? Plus YOU’RE getting married too?! I think it’s really selfish of her not to consider you and your budget.
I would tell her that you can either get a knock-off dress or just be a guest, if it’s really all that much fuss over ONE dress.
I know my bridesmaids don’t have much money, so we’re doing the mismatched thing 🙂 That way they all get something they love and will wear again and can afford.
Post # 160
I was just asked to pay $295 before shipping and tax and before alterations and before shoes…sooo I guess I am paying over $300. (sister’s wedding)
I am asking my BMs to get J.Crew dresses, which aren’t too far away from $300, esp. if they need alterations.
I think it depends on the financial circumstances of your BMs. If you know someone can’t afford it, you should offer to help out or float suggestions of cheaper dresses. I gave them some other ones I was looking at that were less, and they all came back and said they liked J.Crew better.
Post # 161
Ummm. There wouldn’t even be a question. No. That is ridiculous. There is no reason for it.
Post # 162
This sucks – I am sad for you that you are in this situation.
One of my friends had a wedding recently and we all paid for our own clothing (under $150), and the bride paid for our one friend’s clothing who had to travel from out of town…because this person is a student and not financially flexible but the bride wanted her to be in her wedding.
I wish your friend would do something like this for you, or at least accommodate an alternative.
If I were put in this situation, I would likely step down to avoid resenting the bride over the cost of a dress that I really don’t think is that great. There are maybe 2 people in the world that I would suck it up for, and that’s my sister and closest friend.
It sounds like from her e-mail she has thought it through carefully and honestly would not hold it against you if you bowed out.
Good luck with your decision!
Post # 163
I agree it is not a mandatory thing. It’s just common to bring a gift if invited to some special event especial things like weddings, birthdays, and engagement parties. If someone says you have to bring a gift I’d be like “oh sorry I’m busy so I can’t make it” because it’s rude to ask or to tell someone to bring you a gift. The bride just simply told her that she would rather have her come or be just a bridesmaid and if bringing a gift is what would stop her than the bride doesn’t want a gift. Plus Sablemuse might be the type to always bring gifts and since her and the bride are close the bride would probably know that.