(Closed) Dead scared to tell anyone :(

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
216 posts
Helper bee

Initially I wondered if maybe there was a valid reason why no one seems to like your boyfriend. I mean I had boyfriends that both my parents and best friend didn’t like and well.. there was a reason for it! Sometimes when we are in love we just don’t notice the things others do. But then you said that this was a racial thing–and that made everything clear. That could definitly do it.

Your family & friend’s reaction may not be as bad as you expect. My mom never warmed up to my fiancee because she was obsessed with my ex..thinking he was the best man on earth and that we’d get back together and get married, etc. I was afraid to tell her about our plans to get married, but I did. And her reaction was disappointment and that was upsetting. But after a few days of not speaking–we started talking and then slowly she became gung-ho about the whole thing.. talking about how exciting it was and how she loved my ring. Now the wedding is all she talks about (I am sick of hearing about it actually). The point is–once your family realizes you’re serious… they may come around. And you may be very surprised. And any friend that would be jealous for you at such a special time in your life.. well… I think you know.

Post # 5
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

It sounds a bit like your mum is scared of being left alone. So she keeps telling you not to get  involved with men because she’s ultimately afraid that you’ll go off and have the life that she didn’t have (ie, a happy and healthy relationship) and she’ll be left alone. 

I don’t have any advice on what you should do or anything because I think this is a really personal thing and everyone’s relationship with their mum is different. Personally if it were me I’d have a chat with her about respect and boundaries and just be really firm about it. But that’s something that works in my relationship with my mum. 

I hope you manage to figure something out.

Post # 6
Member
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Wow, Tobin, that is horrible.  I’m so sorry that you have to worry about all of this at what’s supposed to be a really happy and exciting time.  It sounds like your mom completely takes you for granted and is projecting all of her unhappiness and issues onto you, despite the fact that you’ve given up quite a bit in order to take care of her.  That’s especially generous of you considering how she treats you!  I can understand why you want her to be supportive (she’s your mom!  Of course you want her to be happy for you!).  I completely agree with littlemissmoo–I think a lot of this stems from her fears of “losing” you rather than from any concern for your happiness.  And the fact that she treated your ex the same way–and it did scare him off–makes me think she wants the same thing to happen with your current ex.  Maybe she’s hoping she can keep pushing men out of your life until you give up, accept her notion of men as “good for nothing,” and let her continue to live with you and taking care of her.   Unfortunately, it sounds like she’s very difficult to talk to about this, but it can’t hurt to try.

As for your friend–wow, that’s really tough.   It would be so nice to have an ally to counter your mom’s attitude.  Can you talk to her about it?  It’s possible she doesn’t quite realize how negative she’s being.  She might just be so wrapped up in her own problems that she doesn’t realize how mean she sounds, especially since it seems like most of this is a jealousy thing.  People who do the whole hot-cold thing can be very hard to deal with, but it’s possible that if she hears how much this hurts you, she may wind up being more supportive than you expect.

And your boyfriend’s family?  Wow.  I don’t know what do to about them.  Do they realize how serious you two are?  Do you think they might eventually come around, or are they a complete lost cause?  Frankly, everyone in this scenario sounds toxic, which is just horrible.  Have you and your boyfriend discussed this much, or is it too hard to talk about?  I’m sure he wants you both to have the support of your families and friends, but if they continue to be so judgemental and selfish, I think you might eventually just have to say screw it.  It sounds like you’ve been taking care of other people for so long–now you really need to take care of yourself and do what makes you happy. 

Post # 7
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2010

((((((((HUGS)))))))))  I’m going to sound a little heartless and I don’t know these people or how they will react, but it is coming out of a sincere desire to help. 

Perhaps you could try some tough love on the two of them?  Your mother, for instance, sounds like she is a negative person in general, but she is also terrified of losing you!  Can you play on those emotions and tell her in no uncertain terms that if she can’t support your marriage and be nice (or, at least, not poisonous), you WILL be gone and there WILL be no one to take care of her anymore.  You can even tell her that she doesn’t have to be actively nice, she must just keep her mouth shut.  Eventually, if you’re all living under the same roof, she might come to accept your Fiance.

With your friend, can you tell her that you know she has a tendency to treat other people unfairly because of her jealousy?  Can you also tell her you love her dearly in spite of that but that it would really, really strain your relationship if she can’t show support and be on your side regarding something as important as your marriage?  If she doesn’t have many friends, perhaps this will scare her into behaving if she thinks she will lose you, too? 

I learned this the hard way myself, but you can’t stop yourself from moving forward and having a beautiful future just because some people set up roadblocks.  Don’t let them scare you into giving up a wonderful man.  It sounds like they will be the same way even if it was some other man – What are you going to do, grow old alone and not have a family just to please them?

If you are sure you want to marry your Fiance, do it!  Elope if you have to (want to)!  Don’t let other people dictate your future!!

 

Post # 8
Member
1385 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

It’s a hard place to be in, and like @Cherryblossom80 said I initally wondered if perhaps there was a reason everyone hated him… but the racial thing explains it. Sometimes people are just closed minded, it’s something you’ll have to deal with (although it’s not ideal in anyway). I would talk to your mother, let her know your plans that you will still care for her, she may be afraid of being alone, left in the cold, etc. My only advice.

But I hope it all goes better than expected.

Post # 9
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

It sounds to me like you know 100% you want to marry this man, yet you are terrified of being engaged because of the reaction you will get from friends and family. Honestly, and you may not want to hear this but I’ll say it anyway, just elope. Given your situation you will be miserable throughout the entire planning process. It will extend the period of time where people will be in your ear about how you’re making a huge mistake. Just get married. Then everyone can go suck an egg. You’ll be married to the man you love and if they don’t like it and can’t accept it for what it is, too bad for them. I know you may want to have a more traditional wedding, but what is the point of doing that if you know people either won’t come or will come and not support you. It seems silly to me for you to put yourself in that situation.

Post # 10
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2010

LOL @ “go suck an egg”.

Post # 11
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

Agree with Kittyachi 100%.  You’re afraid of getting engaged and for good reason.  So don’t!  Just go get married to the man you love.  🙂  Easy peasy.  It does not sound like having a wedding will be worth it to you in these circumstances (wedding are always a trade off, they cost a lot of money and stress so what you get out of it has to be worth it).  You can do the elopment as fancy or simple as you’d like. 

Post # 12
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@arachna…couldnt have said it better.

i completely agree…you should not have to feel nervous/anxious/scared about getting engaged when you know that you are just having those feelings bc of the way OTHERS will react. skip it. discuss with your SO that you know hes the one and instead of dragging others into this that will be miserable/wont attend/will sabotage..save them their negativity. choose how you want to do it, but get married and skip the engagement part and the drama that it would entail.

also- i suggest, if and when you decide with ur partner that ur ready to get married, that you have a heart to heart with your mom and your bestie (separately.) i would go as far as explaining to them that you know where their feelings are at but you also know where yours are. at the end of the day, you cannot sacrifice your own happiness for the happiness of others

((hugs))!

Post # 13
Member
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I agree with eloping. It sounds like no matter what you guys do no one will be happy. His family or your Family will not support you. If you are married & he moves in with you; your mom has two choices. 1. Suck it up & Support your marriage because you are supporting her; or 2. move out of your home and go somewhere else to have a nurse or whatever she needs. It sounds like she’s pretty opinionated and making your life pretty miserable while your opening up your life to make hers easier by taking care of her. It is hard to give advice when we don’t really know you two or your background with your families but it is possible to be happy without your family. & it’s their choice. They either choose to support you or they choose to hold some immature grudge and shut you out. Once your married to the man of your dreams & have your own family you’ll see what true love is & how amazing life can be.

Post # 14
Member
283 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I get the mom thing.  My mom’s pretty jaded too.  When I told her my Fiance and I were getting married she said, “Oh.  …   Why?”.  Big let down.  I know this isn’t the best advice, but as another person used to a bitter, bitter mom, all I can say is let it go.  It sucks, but try to ignore her and be happy for yourself.  Sorry you’re going through this 🙁

Post # 16
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Girl, all I can think is (((((hugs))))) major. Tough spot. You deserve happiness and a good man and celebration. You’ve got one of the three! And happiness could be around the corner. But, as you know, you are in a tough spot with people you love. I am going to second a lot of posters here and say that an elopement sounds like a plan.

But I will also say that you two sound like people ripe for an awesome anniversary party. After you get married, it will be tough. But you sound like good people with good heads on your shoulders. Everyone will come around to reality. And when (really, when) they do, I think you should throw a rocking anniversary party, get that celebration you deserve. When mom sees that you can love a man, and still love her, she will come around. When your best friend sees that what is good for you will also be good for her, in the form of a happier best friend, she will come around. And when his family sees that your love is not just real but mature and lasting, they will come around.

I am usually kind of a poo-pooer of star-crossed, long shot love. But for some reason, I’m feeling you. It is for real. Make the plunge, you deserve it.

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