- Miss Boone
- 3 years ago
- Wedding: January 2009
Using an old account so that DH doesn’t run across this, thank you in advance for any advice!
DH and I dated for five years and have been married for five years. We grew up in the same hometown and now live 8 hours away while he finishes medical school. We have two children under 2. He was the first person in his family to finish college, let alone a professional degree. Once he graduates, we’re moving to a major metropolitan area immediately (as in the day after) to start working. This was non-negotiable with the employer. This city is 10 hours from our hometown.
DH’s mother and father (divorced) still live in our hometown. DH’s father has come to visit every other month over the past eight years. DH’s mother has come to visit twice in the last eight years. She’s an able-bodied adult, married to her fourth husband who has a great job (postal worker), and chooses to be a housewife. They live beyond their means, have no savings, and are continually looking for the next “get rich quick” scheme (right now it’s buying rare chicken eggs off of Ebay) and failing. As a couple, we don’t agree, but we’ve stayed out of it and tried not to pass judgement, because it is none of our business. She didn’t want to be a parent (told DH this) and has never enjoyed being a parent (told me this). [The preceding info is only mentioned to display that his homelife with her was never very stable]
DH’s mom has made promise after promise to come see him and be part of his life. She says she’ll come visit, but the day before she’s supposed to leave something breaks or the person who was supposed to feed the chickens or peacocks or _______ couldn’t make it. She says they don’t have any money, that it’s too expensive of a trip, but indulges in new electronics and expensive lifestyle choices (expensive cable, pricey cigarettes, jewelry) [Just so we’re clear, I’m mentioning this solely for the fact that DH is aware that she has money to spend on other things, but doesn’t prioritize seeing him]. She didn’t show up to graduation, to see his daughter, or to see his son. She hasn’t come for a single holiday. I’ve watched him get excited and then get crushed as she breaks these promises. He keeps expecting her on the biggest days of her life and she keeps disappointing him.
I’ve been taking the kids back to see her every 3-6 months, when I can with my work schedule, or else she would have never met them. DH is not able to visit due to his school schedule. He hasn’t seen his mom in nearly two years. They talk once a week on the phone and lately she’s seemed interested in his life and he gets just like a 8 year old talking to someone important– almost giddy that she’s acting like she cares. We won’t be able to visit our hometown again for about another year due to employment schedules and the start of student loan repayment.
So, I’m guessing you can see where this is going. The biggest day of DH’s life is coming up– med school graduation. He has worked so SO hard to get to this point while being a good person, husband, and father, that I absolutely value it above even our wedding day in importance. I can’t put into words how proud I am of him or how hard it has been for him to get to this point in his life (he had trouble with academics). I think he recognizes graduation day as a symbol of all of the years of classes, clinics, and sacrifice.
DH’s mom isn’t coming. I don’t know what reason she gave– I think she couldn’t leave the chicken eggs alone AND it was too expensive to come. Every bit of enthusiasm for the day completely drained out of DH. I’ve tried to talk to him about it and he flat out refuses to discuss it. I volunteered that we could fly her out and pay for her meals. It would be difficult financially for us since we hadn’t planned for the expense, but we could pull it off. He got mad at the suggestion and once again said to leave it be. He’s been talking about changing our phone numbers, email, and not giving her our new mailing address to get her out of our lives forever. He doesn’t want her to disappoint her grandkids like she continually disappoints him.
If you made it through this ridiculously long post, here is my dilemma: How do I stand by and watch the person I care about most is getting his heart broken by his mom, especially now that he’s a father and would go to the moon and back for his kids?
At this point, I feel like my options are:
1. Do nothing. It’s not my business. As much as it sucks, just watch him get hurt.
2. Buy her a plane ticket, hope she shows up and that me doing this doesn’t ruin his day/start a fight. (difficult to do a surprise because we have shared finances)
3. Send her an email, tell her it would mean the world to him if she was there. (I don’t think this will work, but I’d be willing to try. He said this to her on the phone)
4. Send her an email, tell her she’ll never her grandkids again if she doesn’t figure out a way to get herself over here. (Yeah, I know it’s nasty, but it’s looking like the truth at this point).
So, what do you ladies think?? Any words of wisdom?
*Just wanted to add, it’s true that I really don’t like this woman– I’ve felt the same way for the last ten years. She has no clue that I don’t like her. I’ve tried to do option #1 throughout our marriage and to not let my feelings for her impact the relationship DH or our kids have with her. I’m willing to continue to do option #1 for the rest of my life if that’s truly the best choice.*
- This topic was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Miss Boone.