(Closed) deadlines for proposals…..why?

posted 11 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I did not do this and I don’t think it’s ever a good idea to give someone an ultimatum, which is basically what a deadline is. But, I think if you want to get married and have children, you can’t really just wait around forever. There are a lot of men out there who are perfectly content to have the live-in girlfriend without the added commitment of marriage; it gives them an easier out if they ever decide they need it. If a guy is in his mid-30s, you live together, and you’ve been dating for like 10 years, he’s probably never going to propose. If both parties are totally comfortable with not getting married, then good for them. But if the woman wants to get married and have children, this is not the guy.

Post # 4
Member
1707 posts
Bumble bee

@MrsJules10: Clearly you never went through the waiting cycles. Good for your friends for being together for 10 years and content. Me, personally, I have never given an ultimatum but honestly if after 5+ years you cannot figure out that you want to spend the rest of your life with me then I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with you.

If marriage is that important to me and you are just dragging your feet because your lazy then yes you may need a push in the right direction. I think ultimatums are only appropriate when he clearly can afford to purchase a ring and the two of you are in a stable healthy relationship but he is just dragging his feet. If he is nervous about getting married or not ready that is something he should have communicated to you long before you give an ultimatum.

I should also add that it is extremely emotional and frustrating to be waiting for a very long time. I have been waiting for 2 years for numerous reasons and although I know why we are not engaged yet it does not make the waiting any easier. It is hard to want to be with someone and be accepted and wanted in such a strongly emotional way that you start to wonder if he really doesn’t love you that much. Waiting can play games with your head and it is extremely hard. Don’t judge something you have never been through.

Post # 5
Member
651 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Also, some couples wait to have sex until marriage still. Therefore no marriage= no children. Theres no point in waiting around if you really want a family.

Post # 6
Member
245 posts
Helper bee

My reasons might be different from other people.  I have been married and divorced once already.  When I was divorced at 26, I knew that I wanted to be re-married and have a family by the time I was 30.  On my 27th birthday, I met a man who had no intention of getting into a “serious” relationship, and we dated casually for a few months.  A few months turned into a few years, and it has now been over 3 years since our first date.  Knowing that he – having been divorced too – was having a hard time, I wanted to know where our relationship was headed.  By the time he was sure he wanted to get married, I was ready for it to happen, and he’s happier just taking his time and meandering along at his own pace.

Part of it boils down to the fact that I have no kids, and the window of opportunity for having them is closing.  We’ve talked timelines for that reason – he wants to be married a year before we start TTC, and I don’t want to wait TOO long into my 30s to start trying because a) we don’t know how long it will take to conceive and b) older mothers are at higher risk for complicated pregnancies.

When we started getting serious, I had to take my “30-goal” and chuck it out the window.  Knowing that when we started talking, he told me we would “never” be together as a couple (for various reasons), my biggest fear was spending another 3 years and him “changing his mind” or deciding that he didn’t really want to get married and have more kids.  (He has one already.)

I guess it boils down to him putting his money where his mouth is.  I’ve had too many people in my life who can talk the talk but when it comes to walking the walk, they have two left feet.

Post # 7
Member
608 posts
Busy bee

I want babies and to be married. Its part of my life plan. My Fiance has until I’m 22 to ask me before I walk. I’m 19 now. I’m not waiting on forever to start because he doesn’t want to put a ring on my finger and make me his wife

Post # 9
Member
4460 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Post like these never go down well. There are many reasons why someone puts a deadline on something. They could have the deadline in their head. Or they could share it. I told Mr. Tattoo that I wanted to be married before 30 and start TTC soon after. I told him that if he wanted a family, he had better get a ring on my finger because I was not getting pregnant after 32. That’s always been my plan. And I said that I was not having another baby without being married.

You don’t have to understand why someone does something. If it doesn’t affect you at the end of the day, why even worry about it?

Post # 10
Member
1696 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

I didn’t have a deadline, but I think I may understand why some do. After so many years of being together, I think women want a commitment. It doesn’t have to involve a ring… but it needs to be said that the relationship will turn into a marriage. Of course you can love each other and buy all kidns of things together without being married. But commitment is important to a lot of women… they don’t want to spend years with a man who could possibly just leave one day because he’s bored. Yes, you can do that when you’re married (get divorced) but there is something more meaningful when a man says he wants to commit himself to you legally and spritually IMO.

Post # 11
Member
494 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Some people (like me) aren’t really comfortable with buying homes and cars together without being married first. So if they want these things in life, and they have a certain order of operations, then they’d want marriage first and plan for the other things to follow.

Post # 12
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

This is just my interpretation of why some people give ultimatums. I could be wrong, as it’s not something I did. I think some people give a “deadline” because they want to get married and don’t want to waste time with someone that doesn’t have the same goal. I think most people assume that if their SO loves them they will not let them down.

Post # 14
Member
2288 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I don’t see a problem with the OP’s post–it’s an honest question that’s not intended to be malicious. She was not judging a single person with her question, so I’m not sure why some posters are jumping on her about it.

I think if your SO is just dragging his feet, he’s already given you his answer. I would not accept a proposal that resulted from a deadline or ultimatum, but I know that many women would be content doing so because of the end result (marriage). Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

Post # 15
Member
245 posts
Helper bee

@LuluLove:  I think most people assume that if their SO loves them they will not let them down.

In a world filled with butterflies and rainbows and cotton candy kisses, that’s how it works.  But in reality, people get let down by every person in their life at some point or another – it’s human nature.  YOU are responsible for your OWN happineess.  If someone wants to take an active part in cultivating that happiness, then great.  If they’re just “along for the ride”, then why settle for mediorce?

Post # 16
Member
601 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@blg529: I LOLd when I read this, because you’ve just described our relationship to a T. FH and I were together for 9 years and lived together for 3 before were were engaged a few months ago. FH is in his early 30s a few years older than me. Early on we knew that we were heading to the altar, we just ended up taking our sweet time getting there. Looking back, I’m glad we took the time to get to know one another so well – at this point we’ve been through so much together already that I know we’re going to be able to face anything. The tortoise route just works for some better than others I suppose.

@Julesb81: Personally, I’m a fan of letting a relationship develop organically. If marriage is the path the relationship is on, I think it’s best to let things happen when the time is right. IMO, ultimatums put a lot of unneccessary pressure on the relationship. If the couple is ready, they’re ready. If one is and the other isn’t I think it’s best to take stock and decide for yourself if it’s worth waiting for or not.

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