(Closed) deadlines for proposals…..why?

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 47
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

I think we need to separate two separate concepts here: there’s an ultimatum (giving him your deadline) and a deadline (your internal deadline). I think of the former as being a manipulative tactic that’s only going to blow up in a woman’s face, while the latter is realizing that, no matter how good the relationship is, the woman will not be happy unless he chooses to commit to her in the form of a marriage.

Let’s not pretend that marriage is ‘just a piece of paper’ – that paper carries a lot of rights and it says something that people would choose to commit to each other in that way in the age of divorce – when divorces are so financially and emotionally costly. He is essentially saying, “I am so confident in our relationship that I think that we will last forever; and I am risking consequences in doing this, but I’m so confident that it won’t happpen that I want to marry you.”

I would never stay with someone for 10 years without a marriage. If nothing else, you’re giving up a lot of benefits. I’d never mingle finances and assets with someone to whom I’m not married (because if it does end, in many states, who gets what is much iffier than if you’re married – in which case assets are sometimes split right down the middle). If a couple has a bank account in both of their names, and he drains the account, she’s entirely out of luck. It’s a dim outlook on blending and merging finances, but a marriage offers legal protections in the event of a break-up, too.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with saying, “I want to be with someone who wants to marry.” If you’re the marrying sort with someone who doesn’t want to marry anyone, or to marry you, that’s a core value that’s different and bound to cause troubles. I’d liken it to core differences in how to raise kids, or religious differences, etc. It can be very important to people, and that’s not to be ignored.

Some people are fine with living in live-in partnerships indefinitely. But there are many, many, many advantages to not doing so. Of course you can file a bunch of paperwork to get the same rights as those you can get in marriage…but marriage is a rather simplified process in comparison.

Post # 48
Member
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Hubs and I agreed early on that we were in this forever, because if not, there was no point to stay in the relationship. I also told him I wanted to be graduating or close to it before we got married.  We got engaged 2 years later when I was 23, which I certainly did not expect to happen that soon. We were engaged for 2 years, and looked for a house of our own for that whole time, and found it 6 months after we got married, right before I graduated from college. There was never a deadline, but an agreement between us that it would happen eventually. Luckily for us, we don’t want kids, and we had no problem living together, buying cars together, or buying a house before we got married.  So there was no real reason to put a deadline on it, once we knew that this was what we wanted. But, I will say, it happened much sooner than I thought it would

Post # 49
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@MrsSl82be: exactly that’s the point i’m trying to make.. Once both parties want something and are on the same page it will happen within reasonable timing… 

Post # 50
Member
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

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@caribbeanGirl: very true, but I think for the more traditional and/or religious women who don’t want any of those things before marriage, and still want children at a youngish age, sometimes there has to be a deadline.  While it wasn’t something was needed in my life plan, I can see how some women need to know by x years into the relationship that they will be married within x amount of years, to buy a house within x years and start a family within x years.

So, I can see both sides. Its really all in what your expectations and beliefs are. For women like us, its much easier and more laid back because we don’t have all these things hinging on marriage first

Post # 51
Member
3586 posts
Sugar bee

I’m not a fan of ultimatums, as in “No ring by this date, I’m gone sucker! I’ll find another man I can love and marry!” It makes me cringe when I read stories of ladies badgering their men about how much money he is saving for the ring or how much is he getting from the bonus at work and checking to see if he spends it on a ring. It just makes me feel like, did they really love this man or just want to marry? I get leaving and them few yrs down the road meet someone,but go out the next weekend or month?

I know as a waiting bee that’s not a popular opinion and lookie there, I’m still not engaged (my man doesn’t respond to squeezing his balls), but it’s just how I feel. We’ve decided we will get married and I’ll just be patient til it happens. Now, if I start to feel like I need to leave, I will discuss it with him, but right now, 2.7yrs in, I’m pretty calm waiting. A lot more calm than I was a year ago.LOL

(I am NOT downing waiting bees! I know there are other women here who weren’t waiting bees who had the same tactics to getting engaged.)

Post # 52
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@MrsSl82be:Actually I’m very much traditional and religious.. Everything for me is marriage first. My family would probably disown me otherwise… I honestly did feel that exact same way I want to be married by 24 and start having kids around 26 and here I am 24 going on 25 and still waiting because I realize it’s not just about me it’s about us and in a partnership you will always have to compromise.  I will have what I want just not when I want. I used to whine about it so much you wouldn’t believe but this has taught me great patience… Nice to meet you btw :0) 

Post # 53
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@MsMamaBear: if i could hug you I would…  lol well said… 

Post # 54
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee

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@EffieTrinket: This, so, so much.

I don’t understand why it’s always about what the Guy wants, and why women/waiting bees don’t feel like they get a say. If this is about a true partnership, that means giving both partners a voice, and coming to a compromise. To me, that *doesn’t* mean letting him call all the shots. That means the two of us sitting down and coming up with a concrete, solid plan that works for both of us.

I haven’t given BluesGuy a deadline. But, I know that come April or May, I’m going to need to make a decision about whether I’d rather buy a house on my own (which I’ll be danged if I’m going to do, and then turn around and sell it because he’s made up his mind), or commit to him *through marriage* and do it together. That doesn’t mean that he needs to propose by then, but that means that he needs to give me an idea of where he is in his process.

Perhaps I’m too much of a feminist for my own good, but I simply don’t believe in letting a guy determine my life path for me without my input.

Post # 55
Member
842 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I sort of had a deadline, but it wasn’t the “Propose by this date or I’ll leave you” kind.  We both knew we were heading towards marriage and we wanted our relationship to keep progressing.  I told him I felt that if we didn’t feel ready by the end of the summer, we should talk about it.  Turns out, he proposed March 3rd :D.

Post # 56
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think we generally talk about timelines as a way to equalize expectations to a point. Yeah, in some ways it could lessen the surprise/excitement/anticipation that goes along with getting engaged, but it also helps with the inevitable disappointment when expectations and desires are mismatched.

Our culture is so fractured at this point that the majority of couples have different ideas about the ‘right’ time to get engaged – or whether to get married at all. In times past, societal ideas about engagement and marriage kept everyone on the same page. Now people have to actually *gasp* talk about it.

Post # 57
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

I don’t have a deadline and I will stay with my SO regardless of how long it takes him to ask. He’s the love of my life and being with him is more important than anything. I have days where I feel like I can’t possibly wait any longer, but most of the time I feel so happy that I don’t think about it much.

Post # 58
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I’ve been in the internal deadline dilemma before. I dated a guy for 6 years in my mid-to-late 20s.  Eventually I broke up with him, because I realized that wanting to get married was not a crime. There were half a dozen huge reasons it would be a mistake for us to marry, but for years (literally) I thought and waited around for him to propose anyway. I finally had that lightbulb moment that I wanted to get married as a reward for sticking this relationship out, not because I could see being with this man forever. He even told me once that if I gave him an ultimatum, he would propose rather than lose me. I used to think that was a romantic thought, but changed my mind pretty quickly. He didn’t want to marry me, but didn’t want to be alone either. So I called it quits (though I will admit hoping that he might propose anyway–that is hard for me to say, and in retrospect I am really glad he didn’t.)

With my now-husband, there was no explicit ultimatum, but we had a serious conversation before I agreed to move in with him. There was no timeline, but I basically told him that if he didn’t see marriage in our future, then I would rather keep my own, separate apartment for the time being. Less than a year after I moved in, he proposed, and it was a complete and wonderful surprise. 🙂

Post # 59
Member
1239 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@Phantom: your story gives me hope.. even though we’ve lived together for 2 years now… 

Post # 59
Member
1239 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@Phantom: your story gives me hope.. even though we’ve lived together for 2 years now… 

Post # 60
Member
281 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

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@MsMamaBear: There is a difference between what you describe and having a conversation where you actually talk to your partner about your plans and needs in a relationship.  Which can, and probably should, include if you are planning to kick them out in the near future if further commitment is not on the immediate horizon.

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@bluesgirl: I think my husband must’ve taken family planning classes with your bf, cause I had to have a talk with him about timeframes for having kids.  Apparently, you turn 40 and just pop out a baby.  Men. 🙂

@EffieTrinket: Thank you!

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