Post # 76
I kind of had a deadline. DH knew that if he wanted to get married this summer, I needed a proposal by Thanksgiving 2010 in order to plan in time. It wasn’t a “will break up with you if there’s not a ring” deadline, though…we would have just had to wait another year to get married, with my work schedule.
Post # 77
@miss sparkly cat: she wasn’t asking anyone directly, she was genuinely curious. that’s one of the purposes of wedding bee – to learn.
you calling the OP rude was rather rude, IMO. bees don’t have to answer if they don’t want to.
Post # 78
IMO I dont care if you think I was rude, judging by your earlier post you were never had the waiting stress like alot of us so I dont expect you to understand the feeling of having people question and make you seem horrible for having to have a deadline. Its a very personal thing thats all I am going to say and leave it at that. I am sorry OP if I was rude I just felt this thread would turn into an attacck on us waiting bees
Post # 79
@bluesgirl: I agree with this too! I don’t like the fact that women feel like they are doing something wrong when they have a life plan and that it must be sacrificed because the man doesn’t want marriage. Although, in that situation I would advise both parties to go their separate ways to find what they need in a partner without having to give up what is important to them.
As to the OP. I understand your curiousity. But honesty, I think if you had thought it out a bit further you could have figured out why deadlines in the first place. And that way none of the parties that were on this spectrum would feel like they are being attacked. Some people want to be married and don’t want to wait forever. Some people are willing to wait or never be married. Some people don’t even want to get married.
Post # 80
“So I’m hoping some of you guys can enlighten me on this topic. Deadlines for proposals. I do not understand them. Now I’m not trying to slam them but I’m trying to get some insight on it.
So please, I’m really not trying to offend someone or make anyone defensive, I’m just trying to understand.”
@miss sparkly cat: I have to agree with janie-janie
. It was made clear from the get go that this thread wasn’t created as an attack on anyone. I also have to agree with her that the point of this forum is for people to seek information and anyone on WB has a right to reply or to not reply. She was wanting to understand something that comes up quite often on the waiting forum so she posted a question to the waiting forum in the hopes that those who are or who had waited could give her their personal opinions on the subject if they so chose. If she was curious about an intimacy issue, she’d post to the intimacy forum. Etc. She wasn’t demanding that anyone who was waiting explain themselves. If you never take the time to explain something to someone they’ll never understand it which leaves even more room for them to make, sometimes incorrect, assumptions.
Relationships with “deadlines” are no better than relationships without them because every relationship is different and needs to be handled in a different manner. And just because janie-janie’s waiting period wasn’t terribly stressful doesn’t mean she can’t speak on the subject. She’s simply speaking from a different perspective. And if you felt that the question of why some choose to set “deadlines” in their relationships hit too close to home then you didn’t need to answer. Had the question been posed in a way that was obviously meant to start a fight or attack a particular group of people, I’m sure our moderators would catch it and take care of it. Just to clarify: I am not attacking you or your opinion. I just thought I’d support janie-janie’s point that this thread isn’t targeting anyone and is simply out there so the OP could gain some insight.
But to answer the OP myself: I have no desire to stay with a guy who can’t figure out if he wants to be in it for the long run. And I have no desire to wait around for years and years for him to figure out if he likes me enough to stick around and offer that committment. I don’t have a hard deadline, ex. June 3, 2012. But if nothing is in the works by our 3 year, I will honestly re-evaluate our relationship and if I see that we are just in a giant committment-phobic rut and the negatives outweigh the positives, I will try to make the best decision for myself, even if that means leaving. I think the word deadline beings with it a negative feeling, but its sadly the only word we can think of sometimes to describe our breaking point. Just my 2 cents…or $1.50 it seems. 🙂
Post # 81
My fortune cookie last night said, “Don’t pursue happiness – create it”.
Just some food for thought.
Post # 82
@claireos: that was well said!
yes, I had a waiting period – two years. I was ready a full two years before he proposed. every birthday, holiday and anniversary that passed by made me just a little sad. but it’s true, I was not very stressed about it. we don’t think we want to have kids, so I’m sure that helped. I was pretty confident that the proposal was coming one day, I just had no idea when.
Post # 83
My Fiance and I dated in our early/mid 20s, broke up for a few years (bc of life stage stuff/marriage unreadiness on his part), and then got beck together in our early 30s. Bc of the previous history, and as a woman now in my 30s who wants kids, I needed to set some sort of deadline for myself. I debated whether it was better to set an internal deadline and not tell him, or share the deadline with him, but ultimately it just seemed weird to decide “Ok I need to be engaged by X date and if not, I dump him with no warning.” Ultimately what I did is ask him to tell me what date he felt he would be ready to get engaged by, or if he didn’t feel ready, it would be time to call it quits.