Post # 1
So I’ve been with my SO for nearly 8 years and while we’ve talked about marriage and I know it’s heading there, I don’t think it’s going to happen any time soon (for a number of reasons). I joke with him that I’ve given him a deadline – 10 years is all he gets! But I know 100% that I would never leave him, even if he doesn’t propose for another five years. I love him and can’t imagine my life without him. I know we will eventually get engaged, when the time is right.
I was wondering – are there any waiting Bees on here who have given their SO’s a deadline and are intending on leaving him if he doesn’t propose by then? Please elaborate if you like 🙂
Post # 3
I felt the same way- I wanted things to happen, because I wanted to plan a wedding and get married and be his wife. When I told my friend this, she told me to give him the ultimatium of he either proposes by ____ or I’ll leave him. Except that I would never leave him. Even if we end up as 80 year old boyfriend and girlfriend, I’d still be with him.
I haven’t given him a timeline, because we’re on our own one based on the fact I’m Canadian on a visa in the US, and when my visa runs out that causes it’s own timeline. So we’re on one but not our own, if that makes sense. But, if come the end of my visa we’re not married, then I will go home, and we’ll be long distance.
Post # 4
So far, no deadlines! I wonder if it’s something less common than we think?
Post # 5
I haven’t given him a deadline…yet. Will I in the future? Maybe. I can’t imagine waiting another 4.5 years…but on the other hand he’s my best friend and I can’t imagine life without him.
Post # 6
I haven’t told HIM any deadlines, but sometimes I get them in my head. I make sure I don’t get too sad when the time comes and goes, but around birthdays and holidays I get hopeful that he’ll propose. The first couple Christmases and birthdays I WOULD get really pissed off and bummed, but now I just expect disappointment lol then I don’t get terribly hurt. One time I did give him a deadline for a promise ring, and he fulfilled it, but the precious thing didn’t really understand what a promise ring was for lol. AND I never wear it because it’s a costume ring and gives me an allergic reaction (oh boy!).
Post # 7
I’ve not given him a deadline, but there is one in my head.
Would I leave? Probably not straight away, but eventually yes.
I want children at some point, and for me, that means getting married.
Post # 8
Last Memorial Day at a friends BBQ, friends kept harassing Fiance that “we were next” in line to get engaged…they kept pestering, and I didn’t really mine because I was in a pretty fed-up state of mind. I love him dearly, but we had been together for 5 years and I was losing patience quick. On the drive home, he mentioned all the teasing that night, and I looked at him, quietly and simply said “you have a year”. He didn’t say another word and we dropped the subject…I completely stopped talking about it for months, and then at his friend’s wedding 5 months later, he asked me to go ring shopping with him and pick out my ring…he wound up proposing this past April. I don’t really think he remembers me saying that to him, because if it bothered him he would have mentioned it. I don’t necessarily know if I would have broken up with him after a year, but I do think I would have had the “we need to re-evaluate our relationship” talk. It’s not a threat (or shouldn’t be at least), it’s just that two people need to have the same vision and open communication.
Post # 9
ive never understood some women who say ‘id never leave him even if its been 20years of being boyfriend/girlfriend and he still doesnt propose) but at the same time they talk about wanting to be married.
you are basically putting your wants/happiness aside in order to stay in a relationship that isnt completely fulfilling (i.e you are waiting indefinitely with no signs of marriage on the horizon) i can only see potential resentment there. you are basically saying ‘i want marriage but if you dont thats fine’ life is too short, if you truely want it you should have it. there should be no regrets looking back.
i left my fi as soon as my internal deadline came and i do not regret it, i deserve happiness and marriage and i was unwilling to compromise my needs to appease him. i dont regret leaving, once i did he realized what he was losing. hence why he is fi now.
Post # 10
I haven’t given SO a “deadline” exactly, but after his self-imposed timeline came and went and we pushed back our would-be engagement from this spring to sometime this summer or early fall, I told him that I would be VERY disappointed if we weren’t engaged by the time my aunt’s wedding rolled around in September. It’ll be first time I’ve seen my mom since last June. I don’t visit my hometown often, and I almost NEVER see my whole family together. Obviously I’d want to share such and exciting and important event with them. I’m certainly not going to leave him if he doesn’t propose in time, but he knows I’d be really crushed if I couldn’t share the excitement with my family. Hopefully that’s enough to light a fire under his cute butt!
Post # 11
@txbella: Completely agree…. Wholeheartedly!
Post # 12
@txbella: I agree!!
I don’t understand wanting to be married so badly but also having the willingness to stick it out if it doesn’t happen. You deserve happiness, you deserve the ultimate commitment, you deserve the right to have as many children as you want (and can afford) without worrying about a “biological clock.”
I have a lot of brothers, male friends, and cousins, I do not know one of them that would propose just because you put pressure on them or threaten to leave. Essentially, this behavior is making the both of you unhappy and it will just cause stress on your relationship.
I am not trying to be rude or mean, just being honest. Please don’t give your SOs a deadline. Men have so much pride and some may be willing to walk away to avoid feeling like you pressured them or will let the deadline come and go just to see what you will do. My brother gave his Fiance a ring to shut her up. They’ve been engaged for THREE years!! When your SO is ready to propose, he/she will not need pressure, guilt, or threats, nothing would get in the way of that proposal.
If you feel its been too long, have a serious talk with your SO about your future and leave it at that.
Post # 13
8 years is a long time to devote yourself to someone and not become their spouse sooner rather than later. i’d say a deadline is not out of the question. i was with someone for 5 years and eventually things fell apart because i realized he was never going to marry me. a few years later i met my Fiance and just knew he was THE ONE. a year and a half in he proposed on my birthday in front of all our friends. that was a month ago and i’m still a little shocked. it was unexpected but a happy suprise. i told him after a year or so that i had wasted time with guys in the past and was not willing to waste anymore years of my life with someone if they weren’t going to make me their wife. I never gave him a deadline of any kind but i wanted it to be clear that i was done dating around and was serious about him and loved him very much. Fiance was married before for 6 years. every situation is different so an open honest discussion about your future is necessary at this point. frankly a bit overdue at 8 years and counting. good luck!
Post # 14
Long story short. I was with my ex for 6 LONG YEARS. we always talked about the future, would go ring shopping, we talked about living together, etc.. He ended up tearing his acl, got pain killers and addicted to vicadin and some kind of depression problem. He was a real A$$ during that time. Told me to wait till he got his head right. I waited 3 MORE LONG YEARS after that Still no ring, no white picket fence, NADA. Not only did I lose close to 10 years of my life but I was completely JADED. Now i’m 34 and wasted my entire 20’s on that fool. I would GIVE ANYTHING to have those years back. but as I say that, if I were to get those years back, there’s a 95% chance I would have never met my Fiance who has showed me more love and support in the last 3 years than my ex did in the 6 we were together.
Post # 15
@txbella: Definitely agree! I don’t understand staying in a situation that’s not providing you with what you want and need. There’s too many other people in the world to be stuck with someone who isn’t really in line with what you want.
Post # 16
@tashajaysen: Unfortunately, I know several women who have done the same thing. Congrats on finding the love of your life.