(Closed) Deal breaker?

posted 10 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Would you ever let the In-laws be the cause of your relationship falling apart?

    If they get to be too much trouble, we'll just move !

    I can't marry into a crazy family, sorry.

    I will stick by my SO no matter what !

    Um, are these my only choices?

  • Post # 17
    Member
    5789 posts
    Bee Keeper

    First of all, how he handles his family has nothing to do with anything. They either like/love/respect you or they don’t . No amount of his running interference will change that, and why would you want to be around them knowing they had to be TOLD to be nice to you or else??? How forced is that? I’d much rather know where I stand and choose when and where I spend time with them (if ever), instead of feeling miserable and uncomfortable around them while they go through the motions of accepting me into their fold, just so they can see their son. Will that make you like them any more?

    You can’t change them  by what you or he says to them,but you can change how you react to them.

    Post # 19
    Member
    2206 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    View original reply
    @CorgiTales: Exactly.

    My FI’s parents kind of suck. But Fiance totally knows it and minimizes contact with them. It totally makes it tolerable.

    Post # 20
    Member
    140 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: January 2012

    A couple of weeks I had a little melt down because of how terrible his family treats me, and I told him that if he didn’t step up and do something about his family that I wasn’t’ going to be marrying him this October, becasue I’m not marrying into a family that thinks it’s ok to treat me the way that his treats me. So he stepped up to the plate and bascially layed it out as if they change they are not going to be apart of lives, and that if they make him reach the point of choosing between me and them its going to be me because him and are a family and in a few years we will be starting our own family, so it’s only going to be his family’s loss. After he had that talk it made me feel so relieved and feel a million percent that he is the guy I’m suppose to spend the rest of my life with. with or without his family. lol

    Post # 21
    Member
    2777 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I agree with Corgi 100%. Before I met FH he was very much a momma’s boy. And he’s made the effort and time for me and stands up for us as a couple because he knows that we will come first when we get married. It’s hard but I admire him for making the effort and seeing my point of view instead of letting his family step all over him.

    Post # 22
    Member
    7768 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    In a relationship as husband and wife, it is important to me that WE are number 1.  If his family was causing him too much trouble, I hope he would let them go.  However, that isn’t something that can really be “forced” upon someone- so I would just want him to feel they needed to be distanced if that was the case.

    Post # 23
    Member
    226 posts
    Helper bee

    I wouldnt leave my SO because of his family.

    But I would leave him if he doesnt HANDLE his family.

    Post # 25
    Member
    7768 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    @bee-gotten, sounds like you are on the right track.  I think this is a battle for many couples!  Maybe moving would be good, I think living many places is one of the many joys of life.

    Post # 26
    Member
    1568 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 1996

    I wouldn’t consider leaving him, but I would insist on him getting counseling to help him change the way he handled his family if that were the root of the problem.

    Post # 27
    Member
    624 posts
    Busy bee

    I’m just so worried because we live so close to them and unless we move, we have no reaon to distance ourselves. They already expect Fiance over there at the very minimum every other weekend to do chores.

    That’s the thing.  They EXPECT him.  And they can expect something all they want.  The only way they will stop is if HE stops going over for every beck and call.  HE is allowing them to do this.  You can live very close to someone and still have boundaries.  Just because they knock on the door unannounced, doesn’t mean you have to answer it.  They continue to do this because your Fiance is letting them do it. 

    Post # 29
    Member
    5789 posts
    Bee Keeper

    If he’s 41,how old are his parents that they’re on Facebook and acting like children? This is too weird.

    Post # 30
    Member
    1765 posts
    Buzzing bee

    View original reply
    @bee-gotten:

    I went back to see/remember what else you had written.  I read about the 4th of July comments the Future In-Laws made to each other (on facebook?) -The snarky comments they made about Fiance NOT mowing the lawn for them, etc.  So it sounds like they are really disrespectful to both of you.  So it may be very hard for your Fiance to back you up, when he has received the same passive-aggressive (at best) treatment.  It seems like it is something he has had to put up with all his life-that they EXPECT him to do certain things.  I think that if he WANTS to stand up for you, but is fearful or unable to, and he is willing to go into counseling, things may end up working out for the two of you.  If not, at least for me, it would be a deal-breaker.  Best Wishes. 

    Post # 31
    Member
    2083 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    Ugh I’m dealing with something like this now. I would never in a million years leave my husband because of his family, but his family are pretty much jerks. It is definitely a strange relationship that I have with them. They are “friendly” for the most part, but have a tendency to make comments toward me that are very hurtful. The problem for me has been of course first of all that I have people being rude toward me, but the worst is that my husband is not handling it. Sometimes they make comments directly in front of him and he does not defend me. I don’t care if they are saying something in a “joking” manner, because with these people they have those backhanded comments/jokes and he knows it but for whatever reason he chooses to let it slide every time. We just fought about it last night. Like I said, I would never leave him but I know it is quickly becoming a source of conflict that he needs to straighten up about quickly.

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