- 5 years ago
- Wedding: July 2014
Let me preface this with saying I need advice in approaching this topic with my girl, not your opionion on why I shouldn’t. No wording advice? Please refrain from posting. Thanks!
Ok! I’m having some trouble with a particular girl in my party. She’s my cousin, college roommate, one of my closest friends and one of my MOHs. I love her. Let me preface all this by saying that. She’s really generous and giving, and has always been nice to me. But… lately she’s been different. Like for this past year or so. When I began dating Fiance, she claimed the Maid/Matron of Honor spot. She volunteered herself, but since our relationship lent to the same direction, I obliged her to be one of them when I got engaged. She was disappointed that she had to share the title with my bestie since forever, and my fuftre SIL, whom I am also very close to. I understood, but this was something she knew from before I got engaged that she woudln’t be the only one. So when I asked, she accepted. (BTW She lives in NYC, and I in Boston). Then came the mess. She became distant, and weird. Her brother started dating a really awesome girl, and soon, when she’d come to Boston to visit them, I wouldn’t even know that she was in town until she was gone. This has been going on for 2 years. Sure she’s had to be at family events, so it’s not like I havent seen her, but she barely calls me when she’s here unless she’s bored or she needs internet, because there’s none at her mom’s house. That hurts. And it sucks. My feelings were hurt, but still I pressed on. None of the grromsmen like her. She’s blunt, but also abrasive. She doesn’t know when to let something go, so a lot of people, including my mom, had reservations about her being in my party, since sometimes I’m kind of a pushover. But yeah, people don’t really like her. She’s had a bit of a rough past, and has an issue with letting go/forgiveness, but she has a heart of gold, so I defended her whenever someone would say things. But now, I am tired.
She only calls me when I update the Facebook group and there’s something that she doesn’t like. When I posted the dresses, and the shoe colors, because she’s in pink, I wnated her in silver shoes instead of pink ones. She called me immediately. She didin’t want to wear pink. She didnt want to wear silver. She wanted to wear gold. That’s not a color in the wedding at all. No! But she doesn’t call me. Its not all on her, since I’m SUPER busy, in grad school full time, and all sorts of things, but even when we do speak, and I wait for her to bring up the wedding or ask about it or how things are going, she doesnt.
Lately, she’s been going around talking about how much weddings are a huge drain on her finances, how there is just way too much involved in it, and how she is not interested in being a part of anyone’s wedding party. She called my cousin/BM (who she has no problem calling regularly btw) to complain. This weekend, my brother and cousin went down to visit her. She spent all weekend talking about how much of a burden it is to be in my wedding. She hasn’t said a word to me about it. Now I chose the dress and shoe color, but they choose the shoes, makeup, and hair. Now traditionally, in MY culture, bride picks everything, MOHs host the shower, bachelorette, and it is not just a “show up in the dress” type situation. A while back, when she came over, she mentioned the burden of being in people’s weddings (she’d just come from being in one), and she said the next wedding she’d walk in would be hers. And then said, oh, except yours. Now, I’m not dumb, so I polietely referenced the expense of being in a wedding and told her if she found it to be too expensive to be in my wedding, I’d still love to have her but I’d understand. No harm, no foul, no bad blood. I love her very much, and I don’t want to burden her. She said, no its okay, and said she still wanted to do it.
Why am I hearing this week that my day is such a burden on her? I havent even asked anything except for getting the money fot the Bridesmaid or Best Man dress by December for my June wedding? And to everyone but me! My feelings are really hurt, but I want to ask her if she still wants to be a prt of the dy, but let her know I know of the comments. I just want to phrase it correctly. I’m plannig on praying with Fiance before the convo so I don’t act based on hurt feelings, but with a clear mind, and calm spirit. How would you broach the subject if you had to ask a girl to “shape up or come as a guest”?