Post # 17
She isn’t going to give you approval or be happy about your choices for a while after you start setting boundaries. Once you let go of the hurt and fear of her reaction, you’ll probably see that she’s not very powerful right now in your life. That’s probably why she’s acting like that even worse right now.
I don’t see this as unworkable at all. I think in the long run, after you change, you can have a decent relationship with her. She needs to learn that her advice is appreciated so long as its doled out with respect:-) that doesn’t mean you’ll do what she wants, but that you can smile and say good thoughts, mom, we will take that under advisement.
What I read between her threats is control and fear and concern. They all seem to come from love, even if badly expressed, so I think you’re in good shape once you put your foot down!
Post # 18
I’m at work so don’t have time to write a long reply, but my mum is also like that… Not quite as bad/extreeme as yours, but I often end a phone call with her in tears…
Anyways, I want to recommend a book for you to read that will probably help:
The Mom Factor by John Townsend and Dr. Henry Cloud
Its a very good book that addresses thedifferent types of damaging and/or “incomplete” mothering that can occur, and also how to heal from it abe restore a better relationship with your mum.
Post # 19
@stuckinwonderland: I get the impression she has treated you and everyone else this way for a very long time. Do you know why? You let her. People will do what gets them what they want. What she wants is you under her thumb and what works is bullying you.
I know this has already been quoted by PPs, but I couldn’t resist putting it again because it is just SO TRUE. And it’s going to harm your relationship with your Fiance if you allow it to continue this way. Right now there is absolutely no punishment coming from you for her behavior – she says whatever she wants and you just take it – she still gets to go see your new home, you still share your decisions with her, etc. Not saying you should argue or scream back, that would be totally unproductive and not teach her anything. But like others have mentioned, have one simple sentence you repeat, something like “I’m an adult and perfectly capable of making my own decisions, and I’m not going to be spoken to like that. We can talk when you’ve calmed down.” Then actually leave the situation – hang up the phone, leave the room/house, whatever. You shouldn’t feel guilty for doing that – she’s being a total child and needs to learn boundaries, and you need to do what is best for yourself and your relationship with your fiance, who will soon be your core family unit, not your mother. Stop letting her disrespect him and you both.
Have you thought about seeing a therapist, even just on a short term basis until you’re comfortable setting these limits with her? They can be really helpful when it comes to stuff like this.
Post # 20
@miss_jess: I think you and I must have the same mother. I’m 25 with a mother that is not only imbalanced, but a mean substance abuser when she puts her mind to it. We are looking at homes and we already live 45 minutes from her…until this month when she moves 10 minutes from us. Obviously, we will be expanding our looking area to put us further from her again.
Your Fiance is a great guy for just leaving the room: the one time (yes 1, in 2 years of dating) that my mother and BF were in the same room and she started her shit, he let her have it back. He’s a 40 year old man and doesnt have alot of time for BS. She was just meeting him and said “So. Were you nervous to meet me?” in this SUPER snotty voice, to which he replied “No ma’am I was not.” She said “Excuse me, would you care to try again?” and he came back with “What? Are you hard of hearing, ma’am?”
I get what you are saying: it is SO easy for other people to say “stop talking to her! get away!” when they having had such a nightmare of a parent. I wish I had advice to give you, but unfortunately I’m in the same situation as you. She’s already telling us how, when we get our new home, we’d “BETTER” get one with room for her to move in.