- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2014
So I’ve changed my username, partially because of this situation and partially because I want to be able to post more about my wedding and I’m afraid too many friends will recognize or search for my username I’ve used on blogs, etc. I haven’t posted much yet but hopefully you will still recognize me based on some of my past posts in my profile!
Anyway, here is the reason I’m writing. I have a situation that keeps coming up and I just don’t know what to do. Be forewarned, this covers several years and is very long!
There’s this guy I used to… “be with.” I’ll refer to him as S. We were never in an official relationship–we never even kissed! We liked each other a lot but it was extremely complicated. Why? Because he was my best friend for years and I pretty much knew I was having feelings for him at the time I was ending things with my ex of many years. I didn’t want to date him (or anyone) right away after my breakup, and S assured me he would wait for me to be ready, yada yada. Well, time went on, my feelings for him grew stronger, and I finally felt ready to date him. Problem is, he’d changed his mind. I’m assuming it was because things had been emotionally taxing trying to figure out what we “were,” being in the same group of friends as my ex, but I was convinced we could face the obstacles together. He didn’t feel the same anymore, and it broke my heart. I lost not only someone I could see myself with but also my best friend. It sucked. I pathetically cried for months. I tried contacting him, and he pretty much ignored me. I didn’t understand how he could have had such strong feelings for me and then immediately cut them off without any real explanation to me. He made me feel worthless and like he never cared at all. Worse, he quickly moved on to someone else while he was home for the summer (not dating but posting about their adventures on social media, etc.) and it was just very hard to deal with. And he knew I resented the other girl because she had played a part in my first breakup. It felt like such a low blow. I dreamed about how one day S would come back to me and admit that he was wrong, etc. etc. I still feel pathetic when I think about how much it upset me. But I did feel so alone and like I’d made a mess of my life.
Fast forward several months and I’d finally picked myself up off the ground and started looking for happiness again, exploring new hobbies and learning to be happy with myself and not dependent on someone else for my self-worth. I was in a much better place when good friend E and I became to hang out more. (E is my current, wonderful FI). While I’d love to go into our story 🙂 that’s not really the point of this post.
S came back into the area right before E and I began dating. Since we’re all in the same group of friends, I saw him regularly and tried to be friendly toward him but there was still a lot of hurt there. Then suddenly he cornered me and demanded that I talk to him about “how I was treating him”–he felt that I was ignoring him! Um… HE had ignored ME for months when I was desperately trying to get him back! He said I was still his best friend and he didn’t want to lose my friendship. I explained to him that too much had happened and I couldn’t treat him the same way as it was before everything happened, sadly.
So many more LITTLE things happened in the past several years, but this is already getting MAJORLY long. Things got easier when S moved away, and E and I were finally able to enjoy our relationship without having to walk on eggshells around certain people.
But then, just a few months ago, S showed back up in the area again. He’s unemployed and has had health problems and from what I see online, he’s become pretty negative in trying to figure his life out. Since it’s literally been years since the first part of this post took place, I decided to reach out to him a few times (he is also friends with E). He came over to watch football, have a big Thanksgiving party with friends, etc. We actually invited him several other times (rather, E was doing the inviting because I didn’t feel comfortable), but towards the end of his stay he was always declinging.
And then I went on his blog. And found post after post of vague, disgruntled posts about how people had wronged him and how no one cared about him anymore and no one invites him to things and he is all alone. I’m sure not all of those posts had to do with me, but I couldn’t help feel guilty that I had been a bad friend. I had done my best to forgive this guy, and so what remained in my head were a lot of the fond memories. I felt bad. I wasn’t aware of when he was leaving town, but when I found out, I texted him telling him goodbye and that I was sorry if I had contributed to his unhappy time here.
AND THEN IT ALL WENT DOWN. S kept hinting that I had done something wrong, but wouldn’t tell me exactly what. Was he upset that everyone is talking about our wedding? Does he not like seeing how close I am with E now? I have no idea, but I am sure not going to stop planning my wedding or change how I act with E. I asked him to tell me a few times, but he just wouldn’t give me a reason as to why he was so upset with me. I gave up, and said I had done all I could do and I would pray for him. And then he started insinuating that I should have talked about this to him in person. And that’s where I drew the line. I said out of respect for E I wouldn’t meet up with him, and he should know better… I am engaged now… things are different. We ended the conversation on a really bad note.
And then get this! He started posting about our conversation on his blog! He didn’t mention my name, but like I said, we have the same friends (they all read his blog!) and I was so embarrassed. I should have never texted him to begin with, I regret that, but now to have it blasted all over his blog… I knew they would figure it out. Since then he has posted several more things, but I have just ignored all of it, despite my feelings that I wish I could defend myself… he is accusing me of stuff I did NOT do, saying I broke promises to him, etc. E was disappointed and told me he wished I had not even texted him. I felt terrible. I don’t want to ruin E’s faith in me, and I just wanted this to go away. I thought I was doing the right thing but I realize now reaching out to him was a big mistake.
After about a month or so with no weird things posted on his blog (I also stopped following him!), I felt impressed I shouldn’t leave an open wound festering. We will likely see each other in the future because our friendgroup, plus I thought about him more than I wanted to because of the way things had ended, and I knew trying to end on a nicer note would make both of us feel better. Well, so I thought. 🙁 Last week I wrote him a Facebook message and said I was sorry for the way things ended and that I wished him all the best. I told him he was not even obligated to reply. Well, he did, and I could see that he was trying to suck me into another one of his vague, frustrating conversations. I said a few more things, but wouldn’t go into a conversation. Finally I just stopped replying.
Last night one of my BMs (who happens to be dating S’s brother) calls me and asks me what in the world is going on with S’s blog. I freaked out and went to look at it. There was a post again saying that I should have called him, how this is so much more of a bigger deal than I think, how I keep failing him, how he’s not fine, etc. AND THEN… another one calling me insincere, giving me a deadline (a code only I would understand, UGH… how is this okay??) of when I need to talk to him by before he (cue dramatic music) cuts me off forever… like this is my last chance to talk to him, etc. etc. He basically made it sound like he had hung on too long and now I needed to do my part to make this okay. YES HE HAS “HUNG ON” too long! I had no idea he was even hanging on! What is he hanging on for? He basically said I was lucky for him waiting this long. Lucky? Waiting? What?!?
I am just so upset! I was really wanting to end things peaceably, not as friends, but not as enemies. I don’t understand why he is being like this at all, and I don’t want to even be stressing this much about a guy who is not my FI!! Why doesn’t he understand that I am engaged? I don’t know what I did, but at this point, I don’t even feel like I am obligated to try to fix it. I know you guys will all probably say I should have never reached out to him again… I know that was a mistake, but I guess I had a need to know that my once-longtime best friend didn’t hate me forever, and I wanted him to know I didn’t hate him. I know I need to cut him off forever, but it’s really hurtful and embarrassing that he is airing this dirty laundry on social media where all our friends can read it. I have no more feelings for him other than best wishes, but the way he’s writing, it’s like there is still something going on and I don’t want this to hurt me and E’s relationship or how people view it. This is still such a mess, and I’m starting to feel bitter towards him again.
I won’t talk to him by the deadline, but what can I do about this social media disaster? How can I make him stop without giving in to talking to him? 🙁
Tl;dr: Ex-non-boyfriend from several years ago is still trying to get me to talk to him about some issue that I don’t even understand and is posting about it on his blog. I’m worried friends will get the wrong idea but I can’t talk to him anymore.