(Closed) Dealing with a SLOB partner

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 32
Member
6593 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@freshflowers:  If he refuses to change and it drives you crazy then maybe it’s not worth spending the rest of your life cleaning up after this guy.  Behind finances, arguments about household cleaning/chores is the next major cause of divorce.  He is unlikely to get any better if he hasn’t improved through your requests/techniques so you really have to ask yourself if you’re willing to sign on for a lifetime of cleaning up after this guy.  Do you want your kids to grow up in that type of environment?  If the answer to wither or both questions is no, then you know what you need to do.

Post # 34
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - Historic cinema

@Kir32:  I was so going to say the same thing! lol

Post # 36
Member
1044 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@freshflowers:  Fiance and I have the same issue sometimes. He leaves things everywhere all the time and it drives me bonkers! I like things neat and tidy so we can get at each other sometimes. We established a firm rule. I admit I like things more orderly than him. But I don’t want to pick up everything all the time forever. So if I don’t like where it is, I move it but I always vocalize it “shoes””socks” “toilet paper on the floor” no nagging or redirecting, just reminding (because I’m no maid ๐Ÿ˜‰ ) 

It works, and he’s getting better at it without getting bitter at me so that’s good ๐Ÿ˜‰

Post # 37
Hostess
5622 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

@LilRhodyGem:  It’s all about finding the time, really.

Usually I set up dinner, and alot of times it takes around an hour to finish baking or whatever the case may be.. this is usually when most of our cleaning gets done.

Lots of people spend an hour or more watching tv or online when they get home.. so it’s not like it’s hard to find an extra hour everyday, just have to sacrifice a little.

Although, in the summer there are many days when I just don’t have the time, but we aren’t home to create as big of a mess either!

Post # 38
Member
288 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@jenilynevette:  Can I just say that I laughed out loud about you saying he calls it his “nest”? This is EXACTLY what my Fiance does and I think you’ve given me something to laugh so hard about that it won’t make me want to scream the next time I see it. He’s just…nesting… BAHAHAHHAHA. I told him once that he essentially lives in a dump when he sits at his office desk. It grosses me out and pisses me off to no end because he will leave that room and go to the kitchen ten times but not once will he bring a wrapper, chip bag, or plate with him. But I guess when you put it that way lol he’s just surrounding himself with his “pretty things” like the seagull in the little mermaid did ๐Ÿ˜‰ Oddly enough, the seagull was his hs mascot! bahahaha Thank you for the inside joke ahaha

Post # 39
Hostess
5622 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

@CharleighT:  Lol! The first time he told me he was nesting I laughed so hard. I was like what the hell?

I’ve joked with him a few times that I’m going to take all the “stuff” that surrounds him and make a halloween costume out of it.. I’ll be my fi for halloween.

Post # 40
Member
288 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I am in a similar situation. My Fiance is just lazy when it comes to cleaning his “nests” (office desk/car). He helps out wtih other stuff around the house (mainly dishes/vacuuming floors) but he is not one for spraying and wiping counters, cleaning the shower/toilet, or noticing when stuff needs to get done beyond the floors. I can deal wtih that even if it’s frustrating (I’m not the only one who can see a ring in the toilet or his pee spots on the rim ahahah).

What I cannot deal with is his laziness about trash– especially because trash is HIS CHORE in this house! His car is disgusting (he’s getting a LITTLE bit better and will clean it out before I ride in it– which entails just throwing the food trash from the front seat into the back seat bahaha). When we first got together, he hid a lot of that from me by using the other car (he was living/house sitting at a family summer home and that was one of the perks). One day, I was in his bedroom and it has a living area off of it. Mind you, this is in a BEAUTIFUL house. I went to go out on the balcony and you have to walk through a pass-thru that doubles as a closet. He immediately raced to the door and threw his body in front of it screaming “DON’T OPEN!!!!” ….it was FULL of tons of little wendy’s bags with wrappers and frsoty’s containers. I was HORRIFIED and immediately burst into tears. I was laughing too because it was just so absurd– he’s so well groomed and you’d never know THIS side existed. I kept cry laughing that he was a hoarder of the worst kind because he was hoarding food trash! It really does gross me out.

He will always make promises to get better but I just know it won’t. He wanted a trash can in the office and I said no because he will fill it up (and never empty it) and then, when it gets full, start piling stuff BESIDE it. I wanted him to get in the habit of bringing a dish (or five) and empty chip bags down with him when he goes down to get ANOTHER snack. It’s not hard– you’re RIGHT there. I think he just doesn’t “see” it because it doesn’t bother him. When we moved, we also decided to only set up half the huge desk so that he doesn’t have the long part to pile shit on. He spilled an old soda on his keyboard the other day and I laughed adn told him gently “this is why you need to throw stuff away hun…”.

Long story short– it sounds like a lot of bees can relate which makes ME feel better and hopefully you as well. It DOES suck to be the one that will always “notice” something (I dno’t fully believe they don’t notice it). What works for me is just buying shit to help. For example, we have gorgeous wood floors in our new place and he keeps leaving his wet shoes and boots outside the coat closet. Instead of flipping out endlessly, I’m going to buy one of those shoe rug thingies. He doesn’t use the coat closet because he’s too lazy to use a hanger. Yes, it’s stupid and he could just grow up about it but instead of fighting about his coat always being thrown in random spots, I’m going to just put up these gorgeous ceramic decorative hooks I found. In the bathroom, we installed a stupidly expensive toilet paper holder that has one end open so he just has so slide on a new roll (as though the other way was SO HARD OMG lol). As far as the shower? I tell him “It’s your turn and it’s getting gross so some time this weekend, it’s shower duty!”. I’m nagging him but not in a nagging way where it turns into a fight. If you can try to word things as just “It’s getting messy in here– time to mop. Do you want to do the kitchen or the bathroom?” so the conversation ends there. Making it personal DOESN’T help and it’s unlikely he’s embarrassed if he’s still doing it at this age. I know my Fiance isn’t. Also, I disagree with posters who tell you “if you don’t like it, you clean it”. This mentality will leave you in tears and you’ll feel so full of resentment and rage. It also teaches your future children that they don’t have to help and can opt out of doing necessary housework because it doesn’t bother them. Trust me…I went through that phase and it did nothing but make us fight even MORE. I realized not only does a messy house bother me, but being the only partner in a shared environment who had to do it all bothered me even more.

Post # 41
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Just to throw in another perspective, I am the “messy slob” in our relationship and it has finally clicked after 7 years of being together how this affects our relationship and my husband. Though we talked and talked and made rules, and made compromises throughout these 7 years, I never really got it until this past week. Something clicked that my behaviour was affecting my husband’s ability to enjoy his home and his wife. I was robbing him of his santuary from work. I was the cause of his irritation and pain. Boy did that hurt when I realized that.

I used to not tidy-up/clean-up because I thought it took too much time and I had so many other things to do that when I finally had down time I just wanted to sit and zone out on the computer/TV/with a book. But, really what I was doing was saying that my needs are above his, which should not be the case. We both have a need to have a comfortable living space so we can unwind and feel calm at the end of a long day. From this perspective, it is no longer acceptable to me to rob him of that. So I have to learn to clean-up. 

The next step was to learn how much time it actually takes to clean up. For example, I used to think it took 30 minutes to wipe down counters and tables. In reality it takes me 5 min! WOW! Or that it would take an hour to wash the dishes. Nope – 15-20min. That was the biggest eye-opener. 

Now I feel I can get everything done because it doesn’t take as long as I thought and it creates a space that we both can enjoy. My husband was amazed by me last night because I did things everyone should do, but I just have never done daily: Dishes, counters, tabletops, laundry (weekly for us), then I baked cookies and cleaned up after! That NEVER happens. I used to just bake and leave the dishes for days. 

This morning I made the bed and put my laundry away from last night! He was shocked (I NEVER make the bed and Never put my clothes away. I wear them out of the basket)

Note: My husband cleans up, I just wasn’t doing my share. I am more of a “let it get unbearable then clean for a whole weekend” but the stress of that has led me to realize I have to change my habits and perspective. 

Anyway, I will take it one day at a time, but this week I feel less stressed and more in control and calm when I’m home. It’s lovely. 

Post # 42
Member
288 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@jenilynevette:  OMG…I’m DYING abahahahahahahahaha I can’t wait to tell him this when I get home!!!!! I posted the little blurb from your post and he didn’t take offence– he said “SEE!!! SEE ITS WHAT WE DO!! I’M MAKING MY NEST!”

Post # 43
Hostess
5622 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

@CharleighT:  Lol. Your fi sounds just like mine. He’s okay with his nesting-ness.

Post # 44
Member
1075 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Okay, the fun little tidbit about withholding/rewarding with sex aside because I’m sure everyone else has touched on how bad an idea that is already ….

I am the messy one, but very differently than your husband.  I’m messy in a try-on-everything-in-my-closet-then-throw-it-on-the-floor kind of way.  I keep a weekly cleaning list that rotates each day because I can’t STAND to do a once-weekly super long cleaning spree.  I will just straight up not do it if I have to devote several hours to it.

So here’s my list:

Everyday: dishes, wipe counters/table, tidy up

Monday: clean sink, counters, stove; sweep/mop; organize cupboards; wipe microwave; tidy fridge

Tuesday: dust/polish living room furniture; vacuum living room; windows in living room

Wednesday: clean sink/mirrors in bathrooms; wipe down tubs; toilets; sweep/mop

Thursday: wash bedding; straighten closet/drawers; dust and vacuum bedroom

Friday: straighten bookcase/desk; dust and vacuum office; straighten linen closet; wipe off washer/dryer

Then I’ll have deep cleaning staggered every other day.  So one week I’ll do alternating deeper cleaning chores (deep cleaning the freezer, rearranging the fridge or cupboards, vacuuming under couches, spot shampoo, deep clean bathroom, etc) on Monday/Wednesday/Friday, and then the next week on Tuesday/Thursday I’ll do the deep cleaning chores I didn’t do the week before.  Does that make sense?

So, basically, I would put him in charge of one thing that needs to get accomplished each day.  If he leaves stuff (trash and dishes and stuff) out, instead of cleaning up after him, I would gather it all into an area so he can visually see how much work he is adding to your cleaning load.  And then make him take care of it ๐Ÿ™‚ I would tell him you’re going to do this first so it doesn’t look super passive aggressive!

Also, I’d let the car thing go for now because that’s not as big a deal as the house (to me).  My car is messy no matter how clean my house is.  Someday I’ll stop eating/drinking in my car and it will be less messy.  Someday.

Post # 46
Member
2187 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I am the messy one in the relationship although I DO put wrappers in the trash. And there is a difference between messy and dirty. Even I cannot stand dirty, but I am messy and prone to clutter. I always have been and I always will be. Thank goodness for company, or the house would never be cleaned at all. I guess what I am trying to say that it is highly unlikely you will ever be able to turn him into a clean freak. Heck, I have gone years without dusting, and it does not bother me a bit. I have cleaned an oven, once and a fridge twice – keep in mind, I am 50 years old and have lived on my own since I was 17.

 

However, I also agree with the recommendation to hire a cleaning person. Mine comes in once a week and boy it makes a big difference. Then all I have to do is load dishes into the dishwasher and scoop litter pans the rest of the week and I am done! Oh and my laundry – FH does his own.

 

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