Dealing with an indecisive partner

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1411 posts
Bumble bee

My fiance and I are both indecisive people. We handle it by having the person who cares more or is more affected to make a decision. And sometimes one of us will say “I don’t know how to decide, both are good for me, I don’t have the mental energy for this. You make the decision”. Once that’s been said, the person passing off the responsibility can’t complain with what happens.

Post # 3
Member
830 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Yikes, that sounds pretty frustrating.The house stuff I can understand, because a house is a huge decision, and it sounds like you guys aren’t on the same page about your location desires, which could stall any couple’s purchase. But spending hours and hours agonizing over a grill pan and an icecream maker sounds awful.

When he gets paralyzed by indecision, do you ever suggest a choice? For example, if he’s agonizing between the two grill pans for an hour, and has worked himself into a stalemate, what happens if you express a clear opinion? You could say something like, “Honey, it’s fine if you want to pick one of these. But if you like them both about equally, I think we should choose this one, because it is a little bigger/thicker/cheaper/whatever.”

Would a clear suggestion or preference from you help him be comfortable with a decision and move on, or would he keep agonizing, regardless of your preference?

Post # 4
Member
420 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

Not a totally serious comment here, but have you seen the Netflix comedy “The Good Place”? You should watch it with him. You’ll know what I mean when you’re close to finishing Season 1. 😛 

Post # 5
Member
11 posts
Newbee

My ex was like this as well. It drove me nuts. Sometimes I told her: “If you don’t decide in [x amount of time], I will decide for us”. She was 100% fine with that. Obviously this is only healthy (at least in my opnion) when it concerns the less important things, like figuting out where to eat, what kind of sheets to buy etc. 

Post # 6
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2019

Did you marry my Fiance???!! My guy is the same way! It takes him MONTHS to decide on a pair of shoes! He has to research every detail of an item and read every review possible before making a decision.  He looks at every angle possible and mulls over every descision he makes! It drives me nuts because im the total opposite.  How do I deal with it? Patience and lots of it! The less important things like where to go eat or buying small things for our home I give him choices :).  At the end of the day this quality of his has proven to be helpful when we are facing BIG decisions like when we purchased our home, vehicles, big appliances, where to get married and so on… so theres a positive to it.

Post # 7
Member
10855 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

nelliemade :  

That would make me insane in short order.

Dh is also not very decisive.  Fortunately, I am.  I work from a combination of logic and intuition which can look impulsive to him because my brain operates at warp speed when it comes to decisions.

One other important thing I have learned about Dh over the years—he’s always wrong.  Pretty much.  He’ll spend days researching a new computer or TV and then come home with the worst piece of crap that will have to be replaced in six months or less.

So, he has surrendered final decision making on major purchases to me.  I’ll figure it out in five minutes and pick out a gem that will give us ten years of trouble free service.  It just works that way.

And if Dh had his way, he would wait for everything.  No reason.  Just wait for waiting’s sake.  Some arbitrary time period.  It makes no sense.

These guys are afflicted with analysis paralysis.  Their indecisiveness is driven by their fear of making mistakes.

I don’t know if my approach would work with your Dh, I just steamrolled it.

Post # 9
Member
2800 posts
Sugar bee

Not choosing between two equally good things is really so irrational because in effect you’re choosing nothing over two good things. If you just accept that there isn’t a RIGHT choice it becomes a lot easier to just make the decision and live with it. I can be pretty indecisive as well so I have to remind myself of that often.  

Does he care if you just make the decision on your own? Not for things like the house – which is an understandable thing to really think through thoroughly – but for the silly things where there probably ISNT one that is better than the other? 

 

Post # 10
Member
10855 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

nelliemade :  

The balloon thing is kind of endearing.

Post # 11
Member
100 posts
Blushing bee

 Sounds so much like my partner! Does weeks of research before any purchase, has to read every review, needs to make sure it’s THE BEST possible decision, and then finally makes the choice and second guesses it for a week. Very frustrating, particularly when it comes to such small decisions like choosing between two appliances, but as a pp said can be so beneficial for large purchases!

What works for us is (with his permission) him presenting what it’s been narrowed down to (2-3 options), me firmly stating what my preference would be (even if I don’t have a strong preference for a given toaster or whatever) and then getting him to choose. Sometimes he’ll ask me to make the final choice, and then I do and he immediately wants the opposite lol – as long as the decision is done I don’t usually care. Often for small decisions I’m authorized to just do it myself, but I like to involve him as much as possible.

In sum, maybe he can narrow it down and you can make the final pick? Also, not allowing small decisions to be slept on seems to help, because then there is so much time for him to work himself into a tizzy – we sit down, go throught the list of things that need to be sorted, and a choice is made then, no waiting on it. If your partner wouldn’t feel pressured by that kind of thing it may work as well to just set a tight deadline for the choice so you can get on with your lives. 

Post # 12
Member
1556 posts
Bumble bee

Aw the update post is so sweet, the balloon thing…but I admit it must also be very frustrating and annoying. What I would do is say, if you can’t decide by X date, we are going with this option for these reasons…and go ahead and do it. 

Post # 13
Member
2658 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

nelliemade :  my husband is better at making decisions than me so I just leave stuff up to him, he tells me what he’s decided on whatever, if I had an issue with anything i’d voice my opinion but i’m usually happy with what he decides, decision making stresses me out. Maybe your husband would prefer if you just made the decisions since he struggles so much with them.

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