(Closed) Dealing with an unmotived husband

posted 9 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Does he not get them done?  Or does he not get them done your way and on your schedule?

There’s a difference, and one of the best things I did for my relationship was realize that just because my husband doesn’t do something just the way I would, or take care of it as soon as I mention it, doesn’t mean he can’t or won’t.

Having said that, it sounds as though your husband might be depressed.  I would ask him, gently and nonconfrontationally, if he’s been feeling down about anything lately.  If yes, you may want to suggest that he see a counsellor.

Post # 4
749 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Is it possible that he could be dealing with depression? A lot of his symptoms (low sex drive, no motivation, etc) sound like depression. I would try to get him to see his doctor and get a referl for a mental health professional.

Post # 5
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

@missapis:  Ditto this.  It sounds to me like he depressed.

Post # 6
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I echo the PPs. From what you have said, this sounds very much like the symptoms of depression.

Post # 7
5110 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

Yep I also agree could be depression!! I myself have experience dealing with loved ones with depression and sounds a lot like thir symptoms.

Post # 9
3571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

*hugs* I think he needs counselling to clear him of depression, or if he is depressed (it sounds like he is) to treat him. Also, I think you should go to counselling together, so you can learn how to interact with him effectively. You keep saying that you nag him, or fight and obviously that’s not working. In fact, that type of behavior can and does often make sitations like yours a lot worse. Marital counseling will help teach you how to appropriately reach out to someone who is depressed and hopefully will hammer in to your husband that your needs aren’t being met.

Good luck!

Post # 10
7586 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@kokuu: it can be very hard to help yourself when you are suffering from depression. It’s just an ugly cycle. I would tell him you want to go to marriage counseling. This will at least get his foot in the door and may make him feel more safe at admitting his own depression, with the comfort of you there.

Post # 11
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

I agree about the depression, and even moreso with how it affects helping yourself.

My Dad suffered from mild depression the majority of his and my moms marriage.. not knowing that he was depressed my mom just thought he was checked out/ didn’t care.

I would defitnitely see about seeking help for him on that… you can even see you’re family Dr. for things like this….. maybe set up an annual physical and let the nurse know his symptoms. If you set it up and let them know to make note in his chart then maybe the Dr. will bring it up rather than wait to hear from your husband.

Through this time I would educate yourself on how to deal with someone with depression… and stop nagging (that doesn’t motivate anyone & all it does it hurt the both of you). Affirm your love to him OFTEN, through action.. not words (he doesn’t hear them). And just know that he does love you and that working together (first mainly you working… until he can) you two can get through this!

Also, I don’t know what you’re religious belief is but I know that prayer works!… it’s the most effective thing we have to help our loved ones, so I would definitely start praying for your husband daily…. That he be strong & mighty like God made him, that that depression would leave him, that the peace, comfort, and fullness of God would fill him so that he can be the husband he was made to be. You can look into getting a book called “Prayers That Avail Much” if you don’t know what/how to pray and I that’s a good place to start too!


Post # 12
2467 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

i just saw this blog post–http://www.eastsidebride.com/2011/05/my-bf-is-scared-of-success.html

your situation sounds a little different, but maybe the responses will be helpful?

Post # 13
10363 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

The worst of what i’m hearing is the financial ramifications. not paying your student loans until you are getting threatening phone calls from the bank will absolutely TANK your credit score. If you guys are planning on ever buying a car or home with financing…that has to change, immediately. I think the two of you need to sit down and try to work out a system that works for both of you. A list on the fridge? Digital reminders? WHateven needs to happen to make sure that there is enough communication and enough reminders to get things to happen should be worked out stat.

Also, most student loans can be put on an auto-draft out of your bank account. I would recommend doing that so that the negative hits on your credit can stop!!

Post # 14
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think I spotted this somewhere up there, but it sounds like he might be depressed.  It can happen to anyone and doesn’t have to be caused by anything in particular.  Maybe you could ask him how he is feeling.  Or ask him to go work out with you.  If he won’t, demand he go with you lol.  After a couple times, he will probably be more excited about it.  Let him know that you’re worried about his health and how he is feeling.  If it is depression, as hard as it is, you have to try not to be frustrated.  Let us know how he is.

Post # 15
2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

@kokuu:  Yeah, it sounds like he’s pretty depressed and either doesn’t want to admit it or can’t.

Agree with PPs that the best route may be to tell him that you want to see a marriage counselor to discuss some of these issues.  It sounds like you’ve got some real resentment building (completely justified!), and that needs to be aired ASAP to keep it from poisoning your marriage. 

Post # 16
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

one thing i know is this: even though you’re his wife, you still can’t MAKE him do things to better himself. he has to decide on his own that that is what he wants to do, and you, as well meaning as it is, trying to encourage him to, will make him feel bad. you can give him opportunities to join you in healthy eating and excercize, but you’re going to just have to hope that one day he decides to better himself.

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