(Closed) Dealing with being a second wife

posted 8 years ago in Encore
Post # 3
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think this is a situation where your husband does need to “get in the middle.” This was kis ex-wife, the best person the info can come from is the son. He needs to tell his mom that if she loves him, she has to take these extra steps to make you feel better. That is just part of the deal.

I am going to be a second wife as well. It helps me whenever it bugs me to remember that she screwed up majorly, there is no comparison. You clearly feel the same way, just not everyone else is there yet. It is your husband’s job to step it up.

Post # 4
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Ooohhh… 🙁  That totally sucks.  I think your hubby needs to talk to her — it is, after all HIS mother.  He should have spoken to her about taking the pictures down… that’s definitely wrong.  The frame part is odd too – if your Mother-In-Law wants to keep them, perhaps she can use them for other photos and will do you the courtesy of encasing your photos in other frames?  But I think your husband should be the one to speak to her.  I’m sure he cares about your feelings and so he should handle it so you are not put in an awkward spot.

Good Luck!!

Post # 5
Member
531 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

oh man, i am sooo sorry you have to deal with this.  My fiance was married to his ex for 9 months but together a total of 13 years, luckily for me they cant stand her and love me but i do have to deal with the fact they have 3 kids together and he is fixed so she got me there!

I think your man should absolutely get in the middle  There is no reason for his mom to continue to bring her up.  You are not over reacting in any way.  I would give her a picture in a new photo frame and ask her to replace it.  She made it a point to let you know the frames were a gift from the ex.  Not cool!

I would also stand up to her and say you know what, she isnt here anymore, i am here and its disrespectful to you and your man that she continues to bring it up in every conversation and tell her if it doesnt stop then you will no longer communicate with her.  Thats just how you have to be to get your point across.

 

I suppose some would say to ignore her and act like it doesnt bother you and i guess if you could do that, more power to you but i couldnt do it and i dont feel like i should have to.

Good luck. big hugs

Post # 6
Member
420 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

oh my gosh that is totally out of line, especially since you are already married to her son!  i agree w/the others, i think he should say something, not a huge confrontation, but maybe just hearing how HE feels, coming from her son, will take care of it.  good luck!

Post # 7
Member
2513 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. My husband was married once before for several years (luckily there are no kids involved) but she was nothing but a tramp and really screwed him over. He met me and actually became happy again, and naturally, his parents think I’m just the greatest thing since sliced bread. His mom even thanked me for giving them their son back! I don’t know what I would do if I were in your shoes, but I DO know that I would have a serious talk with your husband and lay it all out there. Tell him you understand him not wanting to confront his mom, but that it is really affecting you and your frame of mind and is making all family get togethers almost impossible to deal with. His mom might say she loves you like a daughter, but her actions are speaking louder than anything she has to say! If your husband won’t have a talk with her, you should confront her again, and let her know where you stand. You’ve got to stick up for yourself right now. Put her in her place and make sure she knows yours. She has no right to treat you this way. Good luck and hang in there.

Post # 8
Member
7053 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m going to be a second wife too and can feel for you 100 percent.  It’s like these frames are a ghost of the past aren’t they?  She may have felt hurt too by the departure of somebody she might have cared for (the ex w) and hurt over how she caused so much pain for her son.  This might be a way of grieving or holding on to that bit of the past. 

I absolutely agree w/the other bees here in that your hubby should step in and gently talk to his mom and maybe you two can offer her a new frame or two with some amazing photos of you in it!  Tell her yourself or write a sweet, heartfelt letter saying how happy her son makes you, and how happy you are to join their family.

In a few days, I’d bet those frames are donated to a charity.  Just my thoughts.  In this case, loving words can heal much better than angry words could and with the right approach, I think your relationship with her will become so much stronger.

Post # 9
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Wow…that sucks.  I’m a (future) second wife too.  It creates a whole different set of issues doesn’t it?  I agree with everyone else that your husband should say something.  It’s not exactly getting in the middle since there aren’t two distinct sides; it’s just him saying he also thinks his ex should be in everyone’s past.  It’s definitely not fair to you…it’s hard feeling like you are being compared in any way to someone else.

 

Post # 10
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Marie Gabrielle

I’m really sorry – I’m sure this situation is pretty difficult!  This is just my opinion, but I think that in tight situations – the husband/fiance should deal with his family, and then you should deal with yours.  I think your husband should talk to his mother about everything (maybe she doesn’t understand how hurtful it is) and then give her a few pictures in frames that you bought yourself.

Post # 11
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I hope I’m not stepping out of line here, but I think a big thing that we need to know here is if your new hubby had children with the Ex…. if that is the case, there is no way that she will entirely be out of the picture.

That said, an easy fix to the frames situation could be to gift your Mother-In-Law a new frame with your wedding pic in it. She should get the point, subtly.

Post # 13
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I understand about the insecurites of an ex wife…My fiance had known his ex 20 years, married 9. They have a son. I moved to his town (and hers) which is small, everyone knows them, etc. And she is so controlling of him, and he puts up with it because of his six year old son! I hate it! Not sure if I can handle it. A couple of times he has said something that really makes me doubt.

Post # 14
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2010

totally! What’s the deal with families/ other outsiders? Why does it sometimes seem like it is harder for them to move on from the ex’s than the people that were in the marriage???? grumble grumble …

Post # 15
Member
2825 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Jason and his ex-wife were together for four and married for three, and a few times his mother has called me Kelly… OUCH, so hurtful, but the look on her face after she said it made up for it, she was MORTIFIED.  They all don’t like her for what she did to Jason and how she COMPLETELY broke his heart.  They seem to really like me, so that helps… But they still have his old wedding pictures up in their house, but I don’t think there are any of her, just their family from that day. And there’s a picture of Jason and I on their fridge, so that definately helps make me feel better.

I really think your husband needs to step in and say SOMETHING…  If it’s hurtful to you then it should mean something to him and his family to fix it as best they can.

Post # 16
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I’m sorry that your Mother-In-Law is bringing up the ex during visits, and that she told you the picture frames were a gift from the ex.  She really shouldn’t have told you that – if she hadn’t she could have continued using them without upsetting you.  She also could easily use the frames to hold other family pictures. 

My guess (and please feel free to correct me if I am wrong) is that what hurts isn’t so much these specific incidents, but just the way you feel that you are treated compared to the evil ex.  If the problem is really that your Mother-In-Law isn’t as warm and welcoming as you deserve, I’m not sure that bringing up the picture frames would help improve the relationship.  If there are any pictures of her up, then your husband should ask to have them taken down, but if it is just picture frames I’m not sure it is worth the potential damage to the relationship. 

 

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