Dealing with being pre-engaged!

posted 6 months ago in Engagement
Post # 2
515 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2020 - Summer Camp!

Same! We actually went to a venue the other day and are hoping to put a deposit down today… I told him he had to propose by the weekend, because we shouldn’t have our venue booked before we’re engaged! Haha, he had me wear the ring to the venue so isI feel less weird (I designed the ring with some input from him, so I’d already seen it). I wish I knew what to tell you. I guess in the meantime, just keep looking anyway and create a spreadsheet with capacity, what’s included, cost, etc. It’ll keep you busy for a while!

Post # 3
976 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

I’m going through this right now. He has the ring and has told me we’ll be engaged by March. So I’ve also been contacting venues and doing other planning, because we want a short engagement. It feels extremely silly, especially when the vendors ask what dates we’re looking at and I have to tell them I don’t know because we aren’t engaged yet lol.

Post # 4
173 posts
Blushing bee

I’d just chill out and start planning when the proposal happens. I am expecting a proposal by this summer and a wedding in 2020 so I know how you feel! When my FH first told me he was ready to propose soon, I got really excited and started reading a lot about wedding and venue costs just to have an idea of what it would all be like. I never made any calls or visited any venues…heck, he doesn’t even know about the major rabbit hole I went into with excitement because it’s kind of embarassing LOL.


Just enjoy your last few months as boyfriend and girlfriend then, when the proposal comes, enjoy your time as fiances. No need to rush and put the cart before the horse, IMO.

Post # 5
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2017 - City, State

My Darling Husband and I did everything backwards I think…. One day when we were talking he very casually brought up the idea of ring shopping, and then the next thing I knew we had picked a wedding date. Our venue is very popular, so he had me call and reserve it the very next day. Meanwhile he got the tickets for our honeymoon. After that we went ring shopping and put the ring on order (I have 3.5 size fingers, so they had to custom make it and it took quite a while)….

So there we were, venue booked, day picked, honeymoon booked, ring purchased, and still not engaged! And Darling Husband wanted to keep the news to ourselves until we were officially engaged. I was definitely going a little crazy. 🙂

I don’t know if I have good advice on how to deal though! I let myself dream about wedding stuff a little bit more and I started some preliminary planning. Even though you aren’t officially engaged yet, you are going to marry him! Let yourself feel all the joy and happiness about that, and before you know it, your wait will be over and you’ll have your ring.

Post # 6
1527 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Fiancé and I decided to get married, picked a venue and date and paid the deposit before picking out a ring. Then between the ring purchase and when actually received (my ring was customized and took 8 weeks) we selected purchased and received our std and invites, went to cale tastings and found a photographer. 

Normally id suggest waiting until it is formalized before doing all of that cause I felt like it was my dirty little secret, but, he has a job that means Jan-May are super crazy hours  at work and we plan to marry in Oct and I wanted his input on things before May. 

I did get a cheap fake ring to wear when we went to look at venues, but I only wore it to half the vendors. Didn’t seem to concern vendors when we were both there together regardless of the ring. It was more for me just cause. 

I got a little antsy towards the end when the ring was nearly ready because I was excited to start involving others in my planning… but otherwise I tried to enjoy the last bit of having  only a bf. 

Post # 7
1298 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

We also have a plan and a date. We both have rings (I’m fairly certain).  And we have a honeymoon plan and a date.  This is our proposal year and we’re going to make it special for both of us in our own time.  It may not be conventional but neither are we. Cheers to everyone doing their own thing. 

Post # 8
713 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

moissamight :  Love the spreadhseet advice! I do this all the time.

yellowbell :  I was in your position and I know how it feels when you know you’re getting married and have a wedding to plan but you’re worried people may not take you seriously. As a PP mentioned, you could always wear a fake e-ring until you get the actual one. Also, I doubt most vendors care about these things (especially if you’re with your SO), they probably care more about getting any kind of business. Regarding the waiting, if it gets to the point of driving you crazy, just tell him you’d rather have a simpler proposal sooner than a big one later because you’re worried that you may not be able to enjoy it as much after all the anxiety.

Post # 9
691 posts
Busy bee

“Pre-engaged?” That’s not a thing. Either you are engaged or you’re not. 

I wouldn’t plan anything (even if it’s just looking at venues) until he proposes. If you have to wait for a proposal and you’re essentially waiting on him, then he needs to wait to plan until he steps up. If he wants to get married then he should propose already.

This is where things can get messy if you’re not careful- it starts out with just looking at venues, but before you know it you’ll be booking it because venues book up quickly and you’re excited about it.

And you said the venue you’re interested in only does a handful of weddings a year. So what are you gonna do- look at the venue and then wait to book it til he proposes and hope it’s available when he finally does? That sucks. How bad will it feel when the venue you really want is not available anymore because you didn’t want to officially book yet because you weren’t  officially engaged at the time and you miss out on that venue because you’re still waiting on him?

Not to mention people at the venue will be asking you how he proposed and you’re just going to be get more and more frustrated it hasn’t happened yet.

Or you could book it and hope he’s serious about proposing and gamble on your deposit. Neither option sounds very fun to me. Why put yourself through that?

I don’t think I could get excited if I had started planning before it was official. It would take the fun out of it for me…but not everyone feels the same way. Maybe he’ll propose next week and none of this will matter. If you trust him then do what you’re comfortable with. 

Post # 10
402 posts
Helper bee

I would just treat yourself as engaged. You ARE engaged. You have agreed to marry each other and to begin wedding planning–since he has agreed to look over the venue. The ring plays no part in it. Some people NEVER choose to have an engagement ring (its a relatively new tradition, after all.) They are every bit as engaged and married as anybody else. What you are waiting on is a celebration of your decision–so go ahead and make plans! (And as one of those people who never wanted a ring and so never got one, and who is already married– I assure you that venues don’t care about that sort of thing and that people don’t ACTUALLY care about your ring or proposal story and venues/DJs/Caterers/Wedding planners don’t ask, or at least they don’t in the East Coast because none ever asked us. If you want to keep it a surprise, just dont’ tell people about the venue etc until after the formal proposal. 

Post # 11
70 posts
Worker bee

personaperson :  Agreed!

If you’ve already made a commitment to be married, you’re engaged! A ring doesn’t change anything, so it’s best to avoid that mindset. Enjoy your wedding planning, and when you get the ring, it’ll be like the icing on the cake.

Post # 12
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I was in this situation. The bees told me to hold up on wedding planning until the ring comes or to pick a date and have that be your engaged by date. So I told my then-boyfriend that he had until XX date and then we were engaged and he just managed to miss his window to get to do his big proposal. It ended up working really well for us. He beat that deadline and I had peace of mind.

Post # 13
1850 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

yellowbell :  I totally feel you. We had decided to get married and he hadn’t proposed yet. We ended up booking the venue the weekend before he proposed. I found out later it was because the ring was delayed, so I feel bad for my now-husband because the ring key prostponing his proposal plans. And of course it was weird because we had agreed to get married, but I didn’t feel engaged and my parents were a bit confused because we were planning a wedding when I didn’t have a proposal or ring yet. It all worked out. I do recommend not telling anyone else now that you’ve told your parents, just because most people probably “won’t get it,” since this isn’t the traditional approach. 

Post # 14
1308 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

I consider anyone actively planning a wedding engaged. You don’t need a ring or verbal proposal to be engaged as other PPs have said. You can do that all on your own timeline. I knew an old couple who were married for a long time and one day the husband just “proposed” after being married 7 years already and gave a ring and speech because he felt it was important-They have been together 30+years at the time I heard the story and it was fine for them. There is no wrong way to get engaged/married as long as it’s to the right person. 

Post # 15
2417 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

yellowbell :  I never understand the rush of you and and many other bees. Once you’re actually engaged you have plenty of time to plan a wedding and book a venue. It’s the fact that you want everything on YOUR time not you AND your boyfriend’s time. My best friend got engaged December 15th and looked at 5 venues with  a plan to get married in June.  All venues were available for her guest list of 130 which is pretty standard for a big wedding. She chose one already and wedding is set for June 20th. There is no reason to act like everything needs to be a huge rush and pressure on your boyfriends for whatever made up reason other than you are just ready. If you trust that he has a plan already then let him follow through and stop pushing so hard. I just don’t understand it. Once there’s  a ring on your finger you will have plenty of time to secure a venue. Otherwise it seems the only issue might be that you actually aren’t positive he’s going to propose and you’re HOPING he sticks to a 2020 deadline but worried he might not. 

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