Post # 16
theresabow : “I made the mistake of talking to the other friend about it and now I feel like she is betraying me when when hangs out with the her bride. I wish I didn’t open up about this to her.”
I hate to say I told you so but…
Also, again, I ask: why are you even bothering with any of this? This woman sounds like a shitty human. She doesn’t sound like a good person or friend. It doesn’t sound like you like her. Don’t go to her wedding. Don’t hang out with her anymore. Problem solved.
Post # 17
Third friend has not betrayed you by continuing to hang out with the bride. Just because you and the bride are having problems, it’s not fair to try to force this other woman to pick a side.
It sounds like you don’t particularly like this woman and don’t want to attend her wedding. Just decline.
Post # 18
I’m sure that if you say your friend is behaving like a bridezilla and treating you awfully that it’s true. I sympathise because I had a similar experience when I was asked to be a bridesmaid for a close friend a few years ago. It was the end of the friendship. Although looking back on our long friendship, there were plenty of signs that my friend was very self-involved and likely to behave this way. All in all, it’s sad that our friendship had to end because of a wedding, but I suppose it had to happen sooner or later and I do not regret losing the friendship.
I know of several women whose friendship with the bride ended when they were asked to be bridesmaids. I think it’s the fact that weddings and being closely involved in them intensify any problems that might have existed in the friendship before.
On this note, you say you and this woman were best friends, but the way you write about her, I cannot imagine how this was the case. Are you sure you have not just been glossing over huge problems in your friendship up until now?
I’ll also throw in this advice for free: While your friend may be acting like a bridezilla, do not be tempted to act in a high school manner yourself. Don’t pressure your other friend to choose between you or act like it is a “betrayal” if she hangs out with the bride. It’s not. Your friends are entitled to be friends with whomever they like. Wind your neck in. Also, don’t say “shut up” to your friend or attack her in response. Her being abusive to you does not give you the right. Just hang up, walk away. Don’t attend the wedding if you feel so strongly about it. Be a class act.
Post # 19
theresabow : Not responding is petty and passive-aggressive. Send your “No” and move on.
Post # 20
daxsymbiote : I know it’s not fair to put the other friend in the middle. After I initially opened up to vent, my other friend kept following up on it, asking if the bride and I talked, etc. I just feel that way knowing that she has the opportunity to encourage the bride to make amends and nothing happens. It’s the fact that I haven’t heard directly from the bride since the incident besides an invitation sent that makes me confused and feeling slighted. Who takes extra time out of their day to chew out and belittle their friend then send them a wedding invitation a week later without calling or apologizing? Her only apology was that she was stressed about the wedding and that she had too much to worry about. With an invitation sent, that tells me she wants me there, but the way she treats me is baffling. No normal person would treat their friend that way without a phone call or text for over a month to check-in. At this point, I feel out of place going!
There was no RSVP to return. RSVP is via phone call. So you’re suggesting I call and tell her how I feel and why I’m not going? I know that’s the respectable thing. It is hard to even give her that based on where we left off, but I suppose it is best. It’s the mature thing.
I don’t think she is particularly organized. She just messaged another friend for their address last week, giving her 2 weeks to RSVP to a wedding 4 weeks away. That makes me feel less inclined to give a formal phone call and just let the chips fall where they may.
Post # 21
theresabow : If your friend doesn’t want to get in the middle, she shouldn’t have to. Frankly it’s just setting up a game of she-said, she-said, where nobody wins. She has been following up privately with you after hearing your valid concerns, and ultimately she can’t MAKE the bride do anything. Perhaps she even mentioned to the bride that you were hurt, and the bride still decided not to call. You can’t know what happened, and regardless it’s not your friend’s responsibility. I’m simply mentioning this so that you don’t burn a bridge out of anger and hurt with a friend over something that wasn’t her issue to begin with, I think you’d regret it.
I know you feel slighted and it sounds like you have every right to feel that way. I’m sorry that you’ve lost a friend in the bride over this, I agree she has not been kind to you. However, sitting on your hands waiting for her to call and apologize (she won’t) is not going to get you anywhere nor is it going to make you feel better in the long run. Like you said, you know that calling and declining is the mature and respectable thing. It’s not the easy thing, but you know it’s the right thing. I recommend you do that.
Post # 22
daxsymbiote : Thank you. I appreciate the advice. My parents were invited as well. My mother had the advice of going to the wedding but not getting “wrapped up” in it. That way I don’t burn a bridge completely. I can set boundaries and say that I do not want to do certain things but will attend. I feel that by doing that I am creating a win-win situation for everyone. My mother is aware of my friend’s history of being all about herself so I respect her opinion, too.
I understand that I can’t expect her to call and apologize and that time heals wounds. There has been enough distance since to not recreate the dynamics where I am treated poorly. I feel that by giving my friend space I am sending the message that I am not here to be used and abused. If I attend the wedding, and my mother said she will attend with my family and me, then I am showing respect for my family and her day without putting up with anything ridiculous in the meantime. That way I can focus on my own family and celebrate her day with her. If she is horrid to me then, which she should not be because she should be too busy enjoying her own big day, then I will have the conversation that will lead to the end of the friendship.
What are your thoughts on this idea?
Post # 23
I’m not sure, but l think your last update indicates you will/have replied yes to the rsvp, and will attend with your mum, but between now and then no contact? That sounds reasonable, tho if she contacts you, you will have to decide how to respond.
As for the actual wedding day, as you say it is unlikely she will behave badly, but if she does, my advice would be not to react in any way, except to graciously incline your head and move away if poss. If at a table , faintly smiling silence. Don’t allow yourself to be part of some unseemly scene.
Post # 24
theresabow : “I can set boundaries and say that I do not want to do certain things but will attend.” — If I understand correctly, she hasn’t asked you to do anything in over a month. That makes me wonder if you mean that you’re going to proactively say something like “I will attend the wedding but I’m not going to do x, y, and z for you” ? If so, this is not win-win. This is stirring up drama right before her wedding. If she’s not currently asking you to do stuff, you don’t need to go out of your way to tell her you’re not going to do stuff.
If you just mean you’re going to RSVP yes, and then IF she asks you to do something, you’re going to say no, that seems reasonable. With how negatively you talk about her, and the fact that you said you don’t see how her marriage is going to last, I’m surprised you still want to attend.
Post # 25
theresabow : I strongly agree with PP on this: If you just mean you’re going to RSVP yes, and then IF she asks you to do something, you’re going to say no, that seems reasonable. With how negatively you talk about her, and the fact that you said you don’t see how her marriage is going to last, I’m surprised you still want to attend.
Ultimately it’s your choice whether or not you want to attend given everything that’s happened, but if you do decide to attend it’s best to just say yes and then decline anything she asks you to do. Don’t call to say yes and include caveats up front, it will just cause drama.
Post # 26
Just be done with this already. RSVP no (which yes, may involve calling her *gasp*), end the friendship, block her, and move on with your life.
The drama just isn’t worth the time and energy.