Post # 1
Hi all. This is a fairly long post so I apologize.
One of my friends will be married this summer and I was excited about being asked to be part of her wedding. Shortly after she became engaged, “Annie” has decided that money and status are a big deal to her.
When we purchased our bridesmaid dresses, Annie was great about ensuring we had the dresses she envisioned at a price we could afford. And the dresses are just lovely! Shortly after the bridesmaid dress purchase, she began to tell her Maid/Matron of Honor what she wanted in a bridal shower and bachelorette party. She expressed to the Maid/Matron of Honor that she wanted to have “the most sophisticated” shower at an exclusive country club in town, complete with a mimosa bar, professional photographer and designer decorations. For her bachelorette party, she wanted to rent a boat, enjoy being on the beach, have a VIP lounge at a club with bottle service and stay in a penthouse suite hotel that weekend in a city that’s about six hours away. The Maid/Matron of Honor estimated that each girl give $250 alone on just the bridal shower to pay for the catering, venue and photographer!
As the Maid/Matron of Honor told the rest of the bridesmaids (there’s seven of us total) about these plans, two of the bridesmaids immediately said they couldn’t afford the luxury bridal shower and bachelorette party. Annie, in a very angry sit down meeting with each other us, that us that her mother would pay for the bridal shower if we focused our expenses on her bachelorette party. I tried to talk to her about how not all of us could afford it but she spouted out how hard she had worked in college to get this job that pays so well and if she wanted something then she thought she’d just pay for it herself. The Maid/Matron of Honor told her not to worry that we’d make it happen.
Now, the Maid/Matron of Honor is continuing to push that we pay a lot of money for this upcoming bachelorette party. Two of the bridesmaids aren’t attending, so there are five of us left to split costs. All of the other bridesmaids seem to be in agreement that a $600 table with bottle service isn’t that big of a deal and I’ve been told that I “should have known that this was part of being a bridesmaid.”
I’ve spoken with the Maid/Matron of Honor about how I feel I won’t be attending the weekend because of the costs. She decided to tell Annie who met me for lunch this afternoon. Annie told me how hurt she was that I couldn’t attend the bachelorette party weekend because of costs and told me that she didn’t understand. She then proceeded to rant about the other two bridesmaids about how “obvious” it was that they “aren’t putting the wedding as a priority.” Our lunch ended awkwardly as Annie said that “I will do all these things for you when it’s your turn and burn up the credit cards if I have to!”
I’ve been thinking about leaving the wedding party. If I leave the wedding party then I know the friendship is over but I’ve been told by other women that I should have known how expensive it is to be a bridesmaid. If I stay in the wedding party and not attend the bachlorette party, there’s going to be tension and snarkiness. I just know it. Annie won’t be happy with me. One of the bridesmaids have suggested that wedding planning has caused Annie to be this way and she’ll be back to normal soon. Seeking advice.
Post # 2
Hm. I’d probably decline the bachelorette party but stay in the wedding unless it gets really bad. But if you’re reallyu confident that it will go really badly then you might just bow out now. I would think the bride would be reasonable and understand that you can’t come on the weekend trip, but she doesn’t seem to be the most reasonable of people, so you would probably be a better judge of that.
Post # 3
blueflower: Eek, while there are definitely costs associated with being a bridesmaid, the one’s you mentioned are absolutely ridiculous. Other than getting a dress and showing up to events, I didn’t expect my bridesmaids to do anything really, though many of them were very helpful and involved.
Honestly, do you want to be friends with someone who would guilt trip you like this and have very selfish, unrealistic expectations? Loosing a friendship can be hard, but it doesn’t seem like she is really that good of a friend if she is behaving this way.
Post # 4
JenGirl: What gets me is that she used to be a very reasonable person. If I don’t attend the bachlorette party weekend then I’m sure I’m going to be added to her “shit list” and be talked about to the other bridesmaids. Even today I told her that I didn’t feel comfortable being around her when she was complaining about the other two girls who aren’t attending the bachelorette party weekend and she just shrugged her shoudlers and continued to rant about them being “selfish” when “should be the other way around.”
The behavior is causing me to rethink our friendship.
Thanks for the reply!
Post # 5
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
blueflower: Your friend is a gift grabby, ungrateful bee-yotch. The bride doesn’t get to plan and then demand her bridal shower and bachelorette parties and she especially doesn’t get to spend her BMs money however she wants. Those are parties thrown in honor of the bride and personally I wouldn’t throw this bride s#it.
This is not someone is going to be your friend in another 5 years I guarantee it. And if by some miracle she is, she will be throwing a ridiculous baby shower and expecting you to pony up super expensive gifts for her precious first born. Cut the cord now and be done with it. She’ll be pissed but honestly it’s only going to get worse as the wedding gets closer. Has she demended you pay for professional hair, nails, and makeup yet?
Post # 6
blueflower: i mean…yes. being a bridesmaid can be pricey. but that’s a bit too much. my bachelorette party cost $150 a person for the weekend for lodging, and then everyone threw in like $50 for decor, booze, and food. and it was super nice and amazing!
i think some women on this earth have lost their minds.
Post # 7
bmo88: And this is my dilemma: Annie and I have been friends for nearly 10 years and this is the first time she has acted this way. I don’t know how or why it’s happened.
Post # 8
Wedding planning does cause stress, but not that much. I think it more draws out what is important to us. If your friendship was more important than the money, the conversation with her would have gone one of two ways. “What can I do to help you with the budget?” or “Can I just pay so you can come with? It will be our secret.”
Based on what you have said about her, she may be less stressed after the wedding, but she is still going to expect elebrate spending on your part to be a part of her circle. If you want to continue spending money to be her friend, you can, but I’m not sure I would.
Post # 9
my cousin treated us bridesmaids like this. And now that the wedding is all said and done, i have not really spoken to her. And i regret spending so much money on such an materialistic person. How anyone can just treat their “best” friends and family in this manner blows my mind. If i were you, i would drop out while you can.
Post # 10
beachbride1216: She is only paying for our hair to be done the day of the wedding. We were told if we wanted our makeup to done then it was going to run $125 a girl. I’m going to a makeup artist friend of mine who will be showing me how to acheive the makeup look she wants and do it myself. My thinking was the $125 could go toward her wedding gift I want to buy. Nails aren’t an issue to her, thankfully.
Thank you! I have been feeling this same way.
Post # 11
blueflower: ANNIE SUCKS.
seriously. If I wanted a fancy boat bachy- then I would pay for the boat. How can you force people to drop money like that? Its insane.
But if you wanted to keep a friendship with dear Annie, and hope she recovers from this bratty moment then you stay in the party but decline on the bachy in a nice but firm way:
Annie dear, its not that I dont want you to have your dream party- of course I do. Its the fact that my love for you has zero correlation with my bank account. And unfathomable as it may be- I cannot afford to take part in your destination, private boat, bottle service bachelorette. I feel terrible to miss your party but im sure youll have an amazing time regardless, and I hope youll forgive me and realize its truly nothing personal.
Post # 12
blueflower: Here’s the thing – a bridal shower and bachelorette are parties that are planned by other people for the Bride if they so choose. They don’t owe it to the bride – they are an honor and a gift.
Your friend seems to be under the impression that its her right to dictate the details of the party she wants and for her bridal party to foot the bill to indulge her whims. She is grossly misinformed.
It is not her place nor her right to plan her own party and shame on her for placing such extravagant demands on her attendants. Regardless of what the Maid/Matron of Honor or any of the other attendants want or have been bullied into agreeing too, you are not under any obligation to capitulate to these ridiculous demands. You can either tell the Maid/Matron of Honor that you are terribly sorry, but it won’t be possible for you to spend that amount of money and either tell her what you can spend or opt out all together. You can also suggest something far more reasonable – like a nice little bridal shower at someone’s house and a local pub crawl bachelorette. I think if you sent a group e-mail you may find the other BM’s hop right on board with that plan.
If the bride in question finds these suggestions unsatisfactory, then she is grossly ungrateful and I suggest you invite her to plan and pay for her own parties.
Post # 14
I’m sorry. This is a really hard place to be in. Yes, being a part of a wedding comes with expenses (which is why I didn’t have a bridal party…I didn’t want my friends to feel this way), but these are really expensive events. Both a bridal shower and bachelorette party are not left up to the bride to decide what she wants. They are events that come from the good grace of the bridal party…no one actually has to throw you a shower or bachelorette party. Make the decision that is best for you. If you cannot attend the weekend, you cannot attend the weekend. If you feel it would be best to drop out of the wedding party, do so. Think carefully before you make that choice as it will affect your friendship, especially by the way you describe Annie. If it’s the best choice though, I would do it.
Post # 15
Zhabeego: I like the idea of suggesting something small and local! I’ll be doing that later tonight to see what happens!<br /><br />