(Closed) Dealing with depressed/competitive sister…

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

View original reply
singleagainbee:  i really feel for you bee… it is such a tough situation to be in.  i can so relate to you, i have a sister who’s 12 years younger than me, has more than a few issues, and relates to me SO similarly to how your sister relates to you. it literally sucks, all you want to do is help and be there and love them and no matter what you do it’s always turned into something ugly. jealousy is a destructive thing. 

unfortunately, the only thing that will help is if your sister gets therapy and learns to relate to you differently. My sister is currently in therapy and her therapist has invited me to join in sessions since i seem to be a large part of my sister’s many issues. It sucks, it rips your guts out sometimes, but i keep hoping we’ll come out on the other side with a better relationship. 

Any chance your sister would consider therapy?

Post # 3
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
singleagainbee:  I recognize that you’ve struggled with an eating disorder yourself but your sister’s weight–and how it compares to yours–is not relevant to this topic, and yet you mention it multiple times. I don’t think you’re coming off as compassionate and objective as you think you are, and I don’t know if you’re acknowledging some of the damaging behavior you may have perpetuated when you were younger. 

I know you don’t want to think about this but the fact may be that your sister is apathetic to you right now, and having a relationship with you isn’t a priority. Apathy can sting more than hatred, and I think that’s why you’re making her adult life your business. It probably feels to her like you weren’t there for her when she needed you and you’re being over-involved now to feel good about yourself. You barely know her but you’re making statements about how she hates her life and so must hate you–you’re taking any responsibility for the state of your friendship off yourself.

Chill out for a while and take a step back. Relationships take two people, and if one isn’t interested then it’s not going to happen. Stop making it about you.

Post # 4
Member
4594 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
singleagainbee:  I have sister with the same age difference (I’m 30, she’s 28) who struggles with depression. When she’s depressed, she HATES me. Part of is the overshadowing, I think, because even though my parents went out of the way to make sure she felt important, I was lucky in that things like school and such came more easily to me.

The only thing that helps our relationship is her getting treatment. When she’s in therapy and taking her meds, we get along better. I try to really use those times to build a good relationship with her (phone calls, inviting her to events, going out with her one-on-one when we’re in the same place), but so far, it hasn’t helped during the bad times.

I think all you can do is love her, encourage her to get help with her depression – if she’s open to that – and understand that it’s not you that’s the issue. It’s good to keep trying – she needs to know you are there for her – but don’t forget to take care of yourself. Continously having your efforts met with harsh reactions can be emotionally exhausting.

Post # 5
Member
3307 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Actually there have been studies that llink being overweight with depression and anxiety. I don’t think it’s wrong for the OP to mention it. There seems to be a taboo on discussing weight on this forum unless it’s someone complaining they’ve gained weight.

OP, I’m sorry. You’re in an unenviable position. You could encourage her to get help, but that will probably go over like a lead balloon. Let her know you care and strive for patience at all times. Take care.

Post # 6
Member
1837 posts
Buzzing bee

She feels you overshadow her and go out of your way to be “perfect” to make her look bad by comparison? Kinda like in the first couple of paragraphs here? 

Post # 7
Member
7369 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Nothing you can do. It’s her demons to fight sadly. Only thing you can do is learn to stop letting her manipulate your feelings. I say this as someone who dealt with this very thing except my sister was 15 years older and seemed to resent me for “having it easier, being prettier” etc.

None of which is true. We just made diffrent choices in life. She couldn’t accept that sometimes life is not fair. And we all have to deal the cards we are dealt. It was easier to blame me (our parents, her boyfriends) than to take responsiblity for some of the choices she made which weren’t the best.  

She to this day is a complainer. She continues to make poor decisions and always thinks someone else is to blame. None of it is her fault. Ever. It’s beyond exhausting. I used to try to reason, argue, talk factually. None of it works. So I just keep it cordial and respectful. I stopped trying to “help” her see that I or the world isn’t to blame. Not my circus, not my monkey’s. She’s and adult whose going to have to find her own way. 

And I don’t see why you are being dumped on for your perspective about her being sensitive about her weight issues. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by  .
Post # 8
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
doberman:  That’s very true, but “she’s struggled with depression and physical health issues” makes the point just fine without going into detail of how she views her sister’s body and “I was a Size 2 in high school.” It’s relevant information in how OP measures her self-worth over how she perceives her sister’s self-worth, it’s not objective background info.

Post # 9
Member
2244 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
Speck_:  The sister’s weight is relevant. If she’s insecure about it, is comparing her body to her sister’s, and is treating her badly because of it, it’s a part of the problem and needs to be addressed. 

OP mentioned her weight and eating disorder because the story is incomplete without those details. OP is saying that contrary to what her sister thought, she had weight and health issues herself. She’s saying she’s not perfect and was coping with her own issues at the same time her sister was struggling with her issues. How on earth is that not pertinent information?

This situation happens all the time. Why is it wrong to tell the truth? Sugar-coating issues like this does absolutely nothing to help anyone.  

OP, your sister has issues of her own that she has to deal with. There’s nothing that you can do to build a relationship with her right now; not when she’s thinking and behaving irrationally.

I know it hurts and is difficult, but just leave her be for now. When she lashes out at you, just remember that the problem isn’t really you, it’s her own life that she’s struggling with. She’s using you as a punching bag, and she’s wrong for doing it. For a lot people, blaming others is easier than looking inward to figure out why things aren’t going well, and I think that’s why she’s being mean to you. 

I’m sorry this is how things are going down, but from now on just focus on yourself and your parents. Be nice to her and all that, but don’t take her or her foolish behavior seriously and don’t waste time and energy trying to get her to come around. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by  Jen9595.
Post # 12
Member
3307 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
Speck_:  “Health issues” is pretty vague and I prefer specifics. It does sound like the OP’s sister has substantial resentment built up, and the weight issue is part of it. As I said, I’m not sure why we must tiptoe around the subject for fear of being offensive. 

Post # 15
Member
60 posts
Worker bee

You clearly think less of her. She isn’t the “right” size, but you are because you’re a size 2? You need to take a step back a look at who really has demons here.

The topic ‘Dealing with depressed/competitive sister…’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors