Post # 1
I’m sure I’m not alone in this, but basically I have a sister in law from hell and my own brother is no better. Long story why things have gotten to the point where they are at now, but essentially my brother married this woman who has serious mental issues, I’m not saying that as a joke or as an insult, but she has problems and her behavior as well as my brother’s has resulted in much family upset. He essentially has lost all of his long time friends because of her behavior, she has turned him against everyone he knew before her, and this last “incident” where absolutely nothing happened to instigate it, has had her lashing out at my mother and her hating me for no reason.
Literally, everything was fine when we last saw each other a few weeks ago, my mom was out of town for two weeks and then my SIL posted this strange rant on Facebook about how horrible my family was and now she isn’t speaking to us. Furthermore, she has sent my mom hateful texts and emails and is now saying no one is allowed to see the baby which is heartbreaking. I didn’t speak to my brother for two years because he had turned against his family, until my nephew was born and I have tried my hardest to make peace with everything and move forward which we did – until now. Things have always been delicate with them but there seemed to be harmony for the past year and then suddenly it is back to where we started.
I’m saying that to just give some background on the situation, it isn’t a relationship that can be fixed and nothing that caused the rift can be repaired, it is just one of those toxic relationships that unfortunately with it being family, you need to deal with on some level because you’re forced to. Truthfully, the only reason I even wish to see them again is because of my little nephew who she is using against all of us. With all of that said, my SO and I have been talking about marriage for quite some time, and there will likely be an engagement in the next few months with hopefully a small wedding in the Spring.
After this latest fallout, I have thought somewhat about how to deal with them. I really would not want them there, but I feel not inviting them would be fuel for the fire and create more unnecessary drama and heartache for all involved because if the baby. Eloping sounds great but there are people who we really want to be there so that is not an option. I have strong anger towards them but have not said anything because it will just make things worse. Even if things are “better” by the time any wedding comes around, I really don’t want them there, but should you be forced to invite guests you loathe on the most special day of your life?
Post # 3
I am in a situation where I have divorced parents who cannot even pass each other on the street without starting a fight. Because both sides of my family take issue with each other, and because of the behavior of my parents, I have opted to elope.
You aren’t under ay obligation to invite anyone to your wedding who you believe couldn’t cooperate. If you don’t want someone there, don’t invite them. It may add fuel to their fire — but do you really care? People who want problems will cause problems, and it seems like you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
If you feel you must have them there, I’d designate some people as “bouncers,” so if any drama gets started, they can be kindly escorted out.
Post # 4
@KatertotATL: I have a family situation that is serious. Maybe your SIL has Post-partem….that could be one thing…
I have seen many men turn on their families for women…It is very hurtful and does not look favorably on the people. I feel bad for your nephew for not having extended family to interact with, but in the end i find that if someone is causing great unrest…it is best not to deal with them…even if they are family. You will give yourself a heart attack if you take someone else’s crazyness on.
My advice is to take care of your mom and her needs, cause I know it must be doing some awful stuff to her. And for your wedding. DO WHATEVR YOU WANT! It is your (plural) wedding! Why are you going to invite people who are going to cause stress on the happiest day of your life. Send them an engagement announcement in the mail and not an invite. If your bro wants to come, he will reach out to you. If he tries to go through your mom, lay down the law that if he has something to say to you, to say it to your face.
Post # 5
@elle_z: I’m in the same boat- my SO’s stepmother took out a restraining order on his mother because she hates her that much. It’s ridiculous. My one SIL is also kind of a brat and, like the stepmother, requires the best of everything. As in, at my wedding, she’ll probably be wearing brand new Louboutins, a $1000 dress and diamonds, because the stepmother will insist that she has to have them, because she’s so beautiful and smart and talented. The other sister will be completely ignored, of course.
Post # 6
@musician32992: That chick can go to heck. (and get intimate with a rooster)
Post # 7
@KatertotATL: my FMIL, has disliked me from the start, but has been nothing but nice to my face. Behind my back she has told SO that I dress too matronly, I’m fat, ugly, and just not right for him. I figured with time she’d warm up to me, but after her 60th Birthday (2 and a half years ago) she decided she never wanted to see any of SO’s girlfriends present or future in her house. SO says it’s nothing personal but I can’t help but be hurt by it. I haven’t seen her since, and she’s part of the reason why our engagement has been delayed. SO fears that once he pops the question to me, she will fly off the handle and disown him. I hope he’s wrong, but either way I’m sure there will be tension between the two women in his life. No matter what I’m taking the high road, my FMIL will be invited to our wedding. If she chooses not to be a part of the most important events in her son’s life then that is on her. I will be nothing but nice to her, as I always have been.
Post # 8
Thanks ladies, it’s a really tough spot to be in and I sympathize with anyone else who has to deal with this, these types of people just suck the energy out of everything. It is killing my mom and that is really the worst part, my little nephew adores her like no other and my SIL is too selfish and messed up to realize she is hurting her own child with her behavior. My mom has tried to contact them to give things to the baby etc and i’ve told her she needs to stop because as predicted, they use any contact against her and it’s another reason to lash out and get attention. My mom has helped them financially when they’ve asked, watched their dogs and babysit at the drop of a hat depsite how they treated her in the past.
I think in the end I probably will not invite them. I have a lot of anger towards the both of them and I really don’t think I’ll want them there, it was more a feeling of obligation. My father passed away several years ago and a part of me always thought my brother would walk me down the aisle in his place but he’s made it quite apparent his life and family before my SIL means nothing.
On one of our last conversations, she was telling my mom and i both that she wanted us in the delivery room when they had their next child and now she is spewing hate and not speaking to us.
I hope all of us find the strength to deal with these nightmare people when our special days roll around!
Post # 9
@KatertotATL: I have a slightly similar situation. There’s no marriage between the two hate-filled ones, and they’re both pretend nice a lot to my SO’s parents. But then they turn around and act like insane hooligans (and I mean hooligans in the worst way possible).
I got so upset, I told my SO, “When we get married, they are not allowed at our wedding!”
When that bridge comes, I’m going to have so much drama… not just from that side. SO’s parents always seem to just completely forget how horrible their other son can be and the terrible things he’s said about me! (And the absolutely criminally horrific things he’s done to his brother!!!)
I have no advice, I needed to vent a little bit, and let you know you are not at all alone…
Post # 10
Thanks again for all of the comments. Things came to a head last night and I have blocked all contact from my brother, SIL and her father who took it upon himself to send my mother nasty profanity laced text messages (he was an abusive alcoholic while SIL was growing up and has recently started drinking again, SIL confided this to us while things were “good”).
My mom and I as well as other members of my family strongly suspect she has Borderline Personality Disorder (fits her to a “t”) but no one in her family sees anything beyond the chaos they’re obviously used to, and my brother certainly will not stand up to her to deal with these issues, so for the time being, we have at least severed all contact as much as we can because we refuse to put up with it.
As far as any possible future wedding, I will certainly not invite them after this, these episodes of anger and hostility are unpredictable and I’m not going to risk them ruining a special time.