Post # 1
The hubs and I have been married for just about 7 months now. We are the third couple in our immediate friend group to have gotten married and another couple just got married last month. Lots of newlywed bliss around these parts!
About a week before our wedding, I found out that one of the couples that used to be a big part of our group was getting a divorce. It was sad, but they honestly were a very troubled couple to begin with. That didn’t make it any easier when she didn’t come to celebrate our wedding.
Now, my hubs and I are best friends with this other couple, lets call them D & J. D&J have always been a big part of our identity as a couple. I was with them when I met hubby, I caught the bouquet at their wedding, they even helped hubby propose to me. D&J have been there for all of our big milestones, and we’ve been there for theirs.
This past weekend I threw a huge party for hubby’s birthday. Only J showed up. This isn’t the craziest thing since they moved 2 hours away and it has been like pulling teeth to get plans together for the 4 of us. J and I were sitting by the fire and I realized that J wasn’t wearing a wedding ring. I just decided to go ahead and ask, and it turns out that they have been separated for 15 months. 15 MONTHS. That means that they separated 2 months after getting married and having been pretending that everything is ok since. The apartment that I thought was theirs is really just J’s and D lives on the other side of the city with a friend.
They aren’t divorced, but J says that it is definitely on the horizon for them. I’m heartbroken. I hate it for both of them, but I’m not really sure what to do for them.
What does this mean for our little group? In the past 2 years 4 couples have gotten married and half of them have already failed. I am completely at a loss for how to react. It makes me feel guilty for always gushing about my sweet DH.
Has anyone else gone through something like this? What did you do to let your divorced friends know that they are still wanted and needed by their married friends?
Post # 3
Wow, that’s horrible. And weird. So they were just pretending to be together in front of everyone? Whaaaaaat?!
I know this isn’t a “good” answer, but I think you should try to decide who you want to keep in your life. Of course make every effort to keep them both in your life, but eventually (in my experience) one of them will drift away. It’s just hard as a couple-no-more to keep the same friends.
Don’t let this bother you too much. I know it would feel like a sad thing, but maybe they’re happier this way?
Post # 4
As someone who got divorced after six months of marriage (my ex was cheating), a few things you can do – first, don’t refer to divorce as “failing”. Telling them that they’re a failure for something that is actually pretty common and sometimes the healthiest choice a couple can make, is not going to exactly ingratiate them to you.
Second, be there for them. Offer to help. Don’t judge. Listen. You may have all had the rosy glasses wedding planning experiences together, and now they are going through another huge life experience, one that you don’t have first hand experience of, but you can still be super supportive, both physically and emotionally.
Third, don’t take sides, but also don’t pass information. Keep your friendships separate. Focus on the individuals, rather than the couple. If you do take sides, do so gently. And understand that in some instances, one individual might not choose to stay friends with you – don’t take it personally.
Fourth, don’t be the obnoxious newlywed friends who are constantly touching, sharing inside jokes, can’t be apart for an evening. Do girls nights, guys nights, have one-on-one conversations. Don’t overwhelm them with the fact that we’re a couple! because if they’re struggling with the divorce emotionally, it’ll feel like you’re rubbing it in their face. Save the snuggles for when you’re home alone.
Post # 5
Well, you start by treating them the same as your single or married friends. The same basic rules of friendship apply regardless of marital status – don’t spread gossip about them, keep inviting them to things like you normally would, and accept the fact that one or both may want to put some distance between themselves and everyone else.
Post # 6
@cant.wait.to.be.mrs.d: I have been divorced. Sometimes you lose friends, sometimes you gain friends. Frankly anyone that wanted to hang out with my douche of an ex even after they knew the things he did are people I do not want to associate with anyway!
There isnt really much you can do. If you want to remain friends with both, then you really cannot be a confidant to either because you’ll be biased.
Post # 7
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Divorce can be contagious in a group of couples. When I got divorced, two other couples quickly joined us in also filing for divorce. I’m convinced that when we filed for divorce, it forced them to really look at their relationships and decide they were unhappy enough to also get divorced; plus it reduced some of the embarassment for them since they weren’t the only ones getting divorced.
Use their divorces as insight on how to strengthen your marriage. Without prying, find out what wasn’t working and use the information to stengthen your marriage.
As far as keeping friends in a divorce, at some point you or they will have to make the choice as to whether to maintain the friendship or not. I lost a lot of friends during my divorce because they were friends with my ex or they didn’t want to deal with my emotions following the divorce. It was a very lonely time for me.
Post # 8
It’s not easy…you just have to handle it with sensitivity..be diplomatic if either of them point fingers or talk aobut it….just let them each know you care and want to be there. That’s really all you can do. As for your group, it’ won’t be the same.
Hubs and I went through this shortly before our wedding too…a couple split and it made thigns rather awkward. It used to be like they were our family and there werne’t ever gatherings where they weren’t there…and now it’s still so strange and it’s been over a year. I just saw the ex wife in my situation…and she just expressed how hard it is on her new partner who doesn’t like her haning out with the friends of her ex..and what a mess it’s been for her to deal with. Her ex and my hubs were besties…and now he hardly answers my husband’s inivations to hang out…I think it all reminds him too much of how things used to be so yeah…in my experience our group has never been the same…pretty much we found new friends recently and started hanging with them….hopefully these two stay together!
Post # 9
As someone who separated from their husband after 6 months. (He cheated)
Divorce is so traumatic, it doesn’t just affect the couple involved…The ripples are massive! I have lost so many “friends” especially newlywed and couples. They did indeed pick sides, however it’s taught me who my real friends are.