(Closed) Dealing with Guests who RSVP to be there but flake day of…

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
1071 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Lol sounds like a great idea to me!

Post # 4
5296 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

This happens to everyone. I would certainly not send a thank you that is meant to point out that they didn’t come. I would only send a thank you if they sent a gift. 


Otherwise you just move on and keep it in mind the next time you want to invite them to something.

Post # 5
1748 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

While I understand how ticked off you are, because I would be as well. This letter is going to cause major drama and backlash, and if you’re okay with that, coming from family, then go for it. I think I would just bitterly put it behind me and try to move on.

Post # 6
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

If you truly want to send something along these lines I would make it short and sweet. 

“Sorry you couldn’t make our wedding, and we hope that nothing serious happened that prevented you from making it.

We wish you had given us notice that you wouldn’t be able to show so we could have invited other people who really wanted to be there.

Thanks for hearing us out.


The rest is simply a tool to make them feel really bad and teach them a lesson. That is not your place. Say your piece and let it rest. 


Post # 7
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

A message like that is certain to kill whatever remains of the friendship. Do not send anything like that unless you’re sure you never want to try to forgive and move on.

I totally agree that it’s rude of people to RSVP then flake. It’s even worse that they take money out of your pockets by doing so. But that note has an almost hostile tone and is absolutely lethal to any chance at friendship.

Post # 8
3266 posts
Sugar bee

Reciprocal rudeness is always rude.  Feeling justified about it doesn’t make it less rude.  In fact, the fact that you have stewed over it (perhaps justifiably) and pre-meditated it, it could be seen as more rude. 

But you are free to follow up in a concerned manner.  “Fritz, I just wanted to check in to make sure that everything was ok, because you and Betty didn’t come to the wedding after all.”  But do not include anything about how what they did was rude (it isn’t polite to correct others manners), or about how you could have been rude yourself and invited B list guests.


Post # 9
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@ThreeMeers:  this! great idea–id love to hear what they say after they get that!

Post # 10
46374 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Just like two wrongs don’t make a right, two rudes don’t make a polite.

This idea is just plain wrong.

Post # 11
831 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Pointing out the bad manners of others IS bad manners.

You wrote that you don’t want to cause a guilt trip, but I think that’s exactly what you want to do.

People who do this are jerks and you have every right to be upset. But I wouldn’t send this unless you are looking for drama, and are willing to potentially sever ties with these people, because that is what is likely to happen.

I would be the bigger person.  However, if they did give you a gift even though they didn’t attend, I like your first line as part of the thank you note:

“Sorry you couldn’t make our wedding, and we hope that nothing serious happened that prevented you from making it.”

The rest of it will just stir the pot, and won’t really change anything.

Post # 12
2711 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@fishbone:  I agree.

OP, I completely understand that you are angry with those that flaked and it was hella rude of them to do so.  HOWEVER, please do NOT send any sort of note.  It won’t accomplish anything and will only create more drama and cause strained relationships within the entire family.  It’s considered rude to point out other people’s etiquette faux pas and so I do think it would be rude to this. 

What you should do, is 1. do your best to get over it but remember that you can’t count on them to show up when they say they will.  And 2. if you do see them in person and they ask about the wedding, I would tell them it was wonderful, fun, yada, yada, yada, and ask where they were (say you missed them).  When they tell you (and if it wasn’t some emergency) then you can mention that it’s ok they didn’t come, but that you wish they had told you sooner so you could have told the caterer so that you didn’t waste money on uneaten meals.  If you are going to say something, say it to their face and not in a passive-agressive note.

Good luck and I’m sorry those people suck!

Post # 13
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’ve read a lot of bridzella moves and read posts from brides who were completely over the top about the focus they wanted their day to play in the lives of others.

This one takes the cake.

If you sent that note to me it would sever our friendship permanently.  I probably wouldn’t reply to you – at least until after I got over the shock and horror of receiving something so rude.  I might cut you a check for the hundred or so dollars you spent to celebrate your big day, most of which many guests don’t care about anyway.  I might provide a reason – but it might be too personal or not something I cared to share. 

There are a million reasons for someone to rsvp to an event 2 months ahead of time and then be unable to attend that are not malicious.  Perhaps something came up.  Perhaps they are ill.  Perhaps they are negotiating family dynamics on their end of which you have no idea (we went to a wedding for your family last year during ComicCon, this year we go to the convention.  But I’ve already rsvp’d.  too bad. etc etc).  Perhaps you were such a bridezilla that had they declined they would have had to “hear it from you” (I’ve read posts to that effect from other brides on here).  Perhaps your wedding was simply not as important to them as you thought.

I think it’s fine and gracious for you to send a “we missed you on our day” note indicating you hope everything is ok.  But to call someone out and indicate a monetary loss to you is the height of rude and unprofessional.

Post # 14
7609 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

If these people haven’t contacted you to apologize and explain, then consider the friendship over.  I wouldn’t go out of my way to make them feel any more important than they no longer are to me.

Post # 16
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@Sheepshead:  This!


I totally agree with you. They were super rude in what they did and even though etiquette dictates you shouldn’t point it out to them, i think they should know. I agree with pp about shortening it a bit, but otherwise i say go for it…

The topic ‘Dealing with Guests who RSVP to be there but flake day of…’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors