(Closed) Dealing with Guests who RSVP to be there but flake day of…

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 32
1221 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Oh my gosh, don’t do this. Your wedding is not mandatory, whether or not someone has RSVPd.  

Post # 34
1221 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@DaCalderonFamily:  did you honestly just equate your wedding guests to children? 

You have an absolutely terrible attitude. It’s none of your business why someone wouldn’t attend your wedding and it’s absolutely not up to you to admonish or discipline no-shows — they’re adults and they can do as they please. 

Post # 36
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

@DaCalderonFamily:  You really should just let it go. Focus on everything else that made your day good, don’t hang on the bad and drag it out.

Post # 37
17 posts

While it is impolite to tell someone they were rude not to show up, it is not bad manners to tell someome how they have made you feel. If you feel that you must say anything to them, better to phrase it as “I was dissapointed that you didn’t/couldn’t make it” rather than “you were rude to rsvp then no-show.”

Post # 38
2567 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@DaCalderonFamily:  You have every right to be disappointed and even angry with the no-shows. But that does not give you the right to launch a full-on assault; in fact, there are quite a few people on this thread with the “testicular fortitude” to try to convince you that what you are planning is not socially acceptable behavior.

If you want to have a chat with these folks next time you see them, or even make a special visit just to get your message across, that would be more socially acceptable (although still too hostile for many).  Sending a note— especially one that reads as “scoldy” as the one you posted– is flat out wrong on so many levels. But if we just want to stick to the medium and not the message, not only is a note a one-way communication that leaves your “targets” no opportunity for reply/rebuttal, it is very easy for the reader to apply the incorrect tone of voice, so that the message is not read in the spirit with which you intended. Some will take it as more harsh as intended and some will possibly even find it funny (“She has got to be joking, what a great sense of humor, because no one would ever send a note like this and be serious!”).  Either way, it’s ineffective.

If your mind is made up and you’ve already done it, then be prepared for some serious backlash. It won’t be pretty (but you probably already know that). Be prepared for some of that backlash to hit people who you genuinely don’t want to cut out of your lives.  If a friend or family member of mine recieved a note like that, and word got out (because seriously, who is going to get a note like that and NOT tell at least a couple of people?), I’d be avoiding the note-writer like the plague. No matter that it was very wrong of the no-shows to no-show; I’d be too scared to get on the note-writer’s bad side in the future, and would absolutely distance myself from them.

Post # 39
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

You’re going to send these “F you” cards that are disguised as “thank you” cards? What are you thanking these people for?



Post # 40
7960 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@julies1949:  you took the words right out of my mouth.

i’m sorry this happened but sometimes you just have to let things go. 

shouldn’t you be enjoying marital bliss right now instead of focusing on something that happened that you now have no control over?

Post # 41
2153 posts
Buzzing bee

@DaCalderonFamily:  “I didn’t post this to ask for advice, it is to show how we’re going to handle this, although we are tempering our message based on what we’re hearing.”

So to let people know that you are going to be rude?  I don’t understand this.  If your guests react anything like posters on this board, you won’t have to worry very long about people standing you up at events, cause you won’t have many people left to invite.


Post # 42
1973 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

@DaCalderonFamily:  You keep saying that you are an honest and upfront person.  I consider myself to be a very honest and upfront person, but I also happen to understand manners, taking the high road, and knowing there is a time and place for everything.  There are better ways to get your point across than to send out a passive aggressive letter.  If letting them know how you feel is truly your objective, then go to lunch/dinner with them and ask what happened and express your disappointment that they didn’t show up.  Both the letter and the lunch/dinner accomplish the same goal.  It’s just that one way says “I’m just as rude and classless as they are” and the other says “Hey, I have class and can show that I can behave in a manner better than theirs.”

Post # 43
798 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@3xaCharm: I really don’t think that this falls into “bridezilla” territory….like at all.  Assuming that she has somehow behaved badly enough to cause tables of people to no-show is really unfair and while I don’t agree with sending this note, I do agree with the sentiment.  People get away with anti-social rude behaviour all the time.  They SHOULD be called on it (although not in this way) because otherwise they are never going to realise that they were/are wrong.  This kind of crap would be rude regardless of the event and the fact that this happened to be expensive just makes it that much worse.  Anyone who wasn’t raised in a barn (I’m being honest here) knows that if you can’t make something where you have said that you’ll be there, you call.  You email.  You apologize.  I would send a gift (because presumably I was planning on attending in the first place).  Yup, things come up, but there was a way to handle this that none of these guests took.  


View original reply
@JsDragonfly:  I agree.

OP: Don’t send this note.  It will not get you the reaction that you want.  I think that it’s completely fine to send an email or a phone call to say “Hey!  We missed you at the wedding and were really worried about you.  We hope that everything is okay” would be a good plan.  

I guess my point is: what do you want from this?  If you want them to apologize, you’re far more likely to get that if you explain to them, in person or on the phone, that you were hurt when they didn’t show after RSVPing yes.  If you want them to feel bad, this note probably won’t do it.  They will feel defensive and the shit will start to fly.  So, I would only do this if you want no explanation and to never hear from them again.

Me?  I would probably send a note with the above wording- not in a thank you card. I would also remember that these people are rude flakes.  I wouldn’t invite them to anything where their attendance actually mattered.  The friendship might die.  If asked, I’d explain.  Otherwise, I’d be pissed, rant a bit (or a lot) and let it and them go.  

Post # 45
851 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I don’t know why you responded to my post with a rehash of your original post. I read and understood it in its entirety.  My point was this:

If you are willing to do something so rude as send this “eff you note” then it is likely not the first rude and unclassy thing you have done during the time leading up to your wedding.

Your guests probably didn’t show up because they don’t want to be around you.  Proceed accordingly.  This note may just to reinforce what they already believe about you.

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