(Closed) Dealing with Guests who RSVP to be there but flake day of…

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 78
2600 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

If your attitude is:

– that you are justified in writing a “fuck you” response to rude people who piss you off because it’s somehow for the good of society, rather than to attend your own frustration and pettiness

– that writing a “fuck you” disguised as a “thank you” is representative of YOU and your Darling Husband as “real” and “upfront” people when in fact it’s the definition of passive-aggressive

– that the world should reward you as “upfront” people–parents of screaming toddlers should be “thankful” for your “advice and help” in disciplining their children

…then you strike me as fairly immature and self-centered individuals, and frankly, I’m starting to wonder whether if I should be all that surprised that whole tables bailed on your wedding.

Since we’re being “upfront,” of course.


I hope you’re fine with your message/letter or whatever being posted verbatim on Facebook by the originally-offending party. Neither of you–you and your Darling Husband and the people who flaked, smells of roses in this situation, but if anyone questions the drama, all THEY have to say any version of “they were mistaken; we didn’t actually confirm” or “we had a family emergency” or whatever and it’s YOU who’s ugliness is going to be aired through social media, and possibly witness/read by people that I suspect–despite your claims at “we yar who we yar and y’all have to deal–you really dont’ want to, like employers. Klass act, all around.

Post # 79
1064 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I wish I had the balls to say this to people.. 

@fivemonthsnotice:  This would be perfect! 


With that of course it’s rude to send that letter, but it fricken hurts to look at tables empty, with people you THOUGHT cared about you.. And all the money that was wasted. Although I had no one show up with pictures of facebook, it still hurt and was I miffed. 

Post # 80
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If it’s your family, send the whole thing. They should know better.

Friends… maybe not so much. 

Post # 81
1092 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

If the purpose of sending a note is to let them know how rude of them it was for not attending the wedding I’m not sure they’ll care. If there was a true reason of why they couldn’t make it (accident, illness) they should have called and apologized but if they just didn’t feel like going they arn’t the kind of people that would care about being rude, they just are.

Unfortunately I know how you feel, we had 2 tables of 10 not show up (at the cost of $200 each). I heard through a friend one persons excuse was that she “fell asleep”. Come on, even if she did, did she sleep through the whole wedding and reception? How about an apologetic phone call? I’d even accept that. Yes, it’s hurtful when you put your heart into pulling off a beautiful wedding not to mention money and guests don’t show.

For what ever non-emergency reason someone gave me for not showing wouldn’t even matter, the hurt’s been done.

When the no shows ask “How was the wedding”? I just reply “It was beautiful”

Post # 82
379 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

You say you and your husband are both upfront honest people, so I’ll be just as upfront with you: sending that message is ridiculously rude and a very stupid, juvenile thing to do. 

Post # 83
7642 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Wow, I’m appalled at some of the responses here, e.g. “they’re adults and they can do as they please.”. NO – when you RSVP that is a commitment to attend, barring unforseen circumstances.

That said, your proposed response is inappropriate. You say you are upfront, then confront it in an upfront manner: pick up the phone and ask them directly why they didn’t attend. And when they give a feeble excuse that something else came up, tell them directly that you spent X dollars on their table, that it was money down the drain, and you are very disapppointed that they didn’t come after saying they would. At the very least they will then understand how you feel, rather than having it masked in a sarcastic letter.

Post # 84
9056 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@DaCalderonFamily:  If those of you think that it’s ok for people to be rude in one way without an appropriate response in another way, then how are people supposed to learn?

Well I hate to be rude so I will just be open and real instead- obviously you haven’t learnt a thing reading your own statement because you are being rude and don’t seem to give a damn about it so how can you really be all high and mighty about anyone else being rude?

Also just an FYI- when someone says you are real or upfront it is usually just a nice, polite, non-rude way of saying you are rude!

Post # 85
2135 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I like this wording!

Post # 86
1184 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@BothCoasts:  Exactly. This is what I wanted to convey to the OP in my two posts.

Post # 88
2657 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Wow, this thread fascinates me!

OP please let us know what happens.

Post # 89
175 posts
Blushing bee

Yes, this would be a rude thing to do, everyone knows that. But OP raises a good question though – why DO we let people get away with shit like this? They disrespected them on a special day and cost them money. Why are people supposed to just roll over and ‘take the high road’ and say nothing? It’s a weird concept.

Post # 90
4521 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@j_jaye:  Also just an FYI- when someone says you are real or upfront it is usually just a nice, polite, non-rude way of saying you are rude!



Post # 91
2600 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@JellyFeet:  By “get away,” what do you mean? If people did this to me, I’d pretty much distance myself socially from them and we’d cease being friends. And probably complain about it privately to my OTHER (good) friends. To me, that’s not really “getting away” with anything.

But otherwise, what should a person do? Send them a bill for uneaten food and drink? Try to shame them publicly on FB (which is likely to backfire–most people don’t get accused of being tacky and just lie down and take it. Chances are, they will defend themselves and again–THEY don’t have much to lose by lying and saying something to the effect of, “We DID decline thankyouverymuch;” the OP has A LOT to lose sending a rude email).


Look, one doesn’t take the “high road” just to be socially gracious. It’s also like, why spend your time kicking up drama with such people? They’ve already proven they’re jerks, they’re not going to apologize, you can’t go back in time and remove them from the guest list, what exactly is going to come of this? I suppose you MIGHT get some satisfaction out of airing your own anger and resentment, but you also risk having this be an ongoing issue far past its expiration date. It’s also a poor reflection of adults to air their social woes publicly. I’d distance myself from people who sent out such an email, no matter how justified, just because I’d assume they can’t keep their shit together.

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