(Closed) Dealing with his family?

posted 10 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
1205 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I saw this post and just have to respond… even though we are not married yet. I’m sorry she’s treating you differently. Advice I’ve gotten doesn’t even work in my situation, but you might try to have your husband speak with her. In my case, I hear from Dear Fiance that I am "making things up."

His mom was a little more accepting of me prior to us being engaged. I am usually pretty uncomfortable around her because she has a really strong personality and talks a lot … without having a conversation, if you know what I mean. So I have been trying to get to know her/ help her get to know me as I’ve gotten more serious with her son. But since we got engaged, she’s basically shown no interest in me, hasn’t said anything positive or even acknowledgeing the engagement except under her breath, "you have a lot of work to do before May."

I brought this up with Dear Fiance, basically saying I think she’s a great lady and I want to know her and be comfortable with her and have her get to know me — but he doesn’t see the problem I do and somehow didn’t hear her comment. 

Anyway, I would suggest having your husband intervene. After all, he’s the one who loves you both. And really… if you two visit her more than once a week, you have not taken him. This will get easier, I hear. I hope it does for you. 

Post # 4
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

oh we’re not married yet but i anticipate that there will be issues.  we both live with our parents right now and i think him moving out will be a big change for her since she still likes to coddle (sp?).  i’m almost afraid to know what’s going to happen. perhaps phone calls everday?  i guess what i’m saying is my situation is kind of like yours.  we have an amicable relationship right now but marriage changes things i’m sure.

Post # 5
5271 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I got chills after I read your post, because I could totally see myself in the exact same situation. My Future Mother-In-Law and I have not been close at all, I remeber one time we went out together and she introduced me as "a friend of her sons" although at the time we had been dating for a while and we were spending our college spring break with his parents! Now ever since we got engaged things are really weird and seem qutie forced between us. Guess I’ll have to wait and see what happens after the wedding!

Post # 6
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

My mil has gone out of her way not to behave like that, but I can tell it is difficult for her.  Before I met her son she did all of his laundry (he owns his own condo and lives in a different town from her), bought all of the necessities (socks, underwear, undeshirts), they would go out to eat (her treat) at least once a week and then she would bring bags of soda, cookies, left-overs (she would purposley cook too much so she could bring left overs to him), and other goodies.

Eventually all of this started driving me crazy, and when we moved in together I stopped her from doing his laundry — because he has a perfectly good washer and dryer in his condo!! 

Long story short,  I’ve found that by letting her take us out to dinner a few times a month, or going to her house for dinner and accepting the left overs, letting her do our dry-cleaning, and being gracious when she brings us bags of laundry detergent (I’ve never had to buy any!), soda, and cookies — she still feels that she is part of her sons life.  I still think it is weird, but it is a comprimise I can make to keep relations between her and me good.

Now that we are married and buying a house things have changed a bit.  We still let her do all of the above, just not as often.  We also have learned not to talk about how I cook dinner almost every night, because it obviously bothers her.  The biggest issue we’ve dealt with is where we want to buy our house.

His parents (I know I keep saying mil, but his dad is just as bad) want us to live in the OC, close to them because she wants to baby-sit our (future) kids!  They even offered to let us borrow $30K so we could afford a house in the OC.  My parents live in Temecula, and they don’t have that kind of money to offer us to be close to them. 

So, we turned down their money and now I am the one making her son move far away — to Corona, a whole 20 minutes further than we live now and a little closer to my parents!

So how to deal with it — it is all up to your fh or husband!!!!  We found that by having my husband take credit for wanting to move to Corona, and having him talk about how great it is and how much he loves it there, and how much he really wants to show her the house, and even having her meet him at his work so she could drive to the house with him and see how the commute isn’t so bad, then she backed off.  She wants her son to be happy, so she really can’t complain now. 

Wow, I had no idea I was going to write such a long answer!  Whew!  Your husband is the one that needs to make things right with his mom – and you need to find some sort of way to make her still feel involved in his life.  Even it it is as simple as letting her buy laundry detergent, or making him cookies.  Seriously!

The topic ‘Dealing with his family?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors