(Closed) Dealing with MIL- What would you do? (sorry it’s long)

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Have you told your husband what you overheard? What’s his take on (all of) it?

What a tough spot to be in!

Post # 4
1003 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

OH MAN! I would of exploded. Like seriously? I would of flipped out. You need to sit down with your husband and tell him what you overheard. And then you need to confront her and tell her now much your feelings have been hurt by her words.


Or, just keep on doing what you are doing and prove her wrong. 

Post # 5
3176 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

What?! I would have busted out of that stall and asked her what her problem was right then and there. Thats just too much. I dont like certain future inlaws much but at least they say things to my face! What a trick.

I’d discuss with your hubs and get his opinion. After I’d confront Mother-In-Law, seriously its that kind of attitude and gossipy behavior that can cause problems.

Post # 6
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Wow. I would not have been able to stay in the stall like that! Good job on being the better person! I would just start concentrating on your relationship with your husband and not with your Mother-In-Law. You seem to have made numerous efforts to connect with her and she has continued to ignore them. Let her make the effort to start a relationship with you (if she decides to). It’s really not about you or anything you’ve done or not done, it’s your MIL’s issue.

Post # 8
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@tootietoo2: I think you should discuss all the issues (the cake, the distance, the conversation) with your husband-you both need to discuss whats at the root of all of this with your Mother-In-Law. I would find any, especially the conversation about you, unacceptable…so apparently your so good that thats what shes worried about? How illogical is that? I think your husband’s happiness and even your extended in laws see how wonderful you are as a wife and person- maybe his mother feels replaced or uneeded? Who knows, but you wont until you speak with your spouse and hopefully work out a way for you two to talk to her about it.

Post # 10
1850 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Well on the plus side…she thinks that you’re great! Probably not too comforting, but it’s better than some of the alternatives.

The downside is that she’s waiting for a downside. I think that only time is going to help this situation. You keep doing what you’re doing. Tell your Darling Husband what you heard and see if he has any advice on how you can reach your Mother-In-Law. Do you think that having a real heart to heart with her might help? Telling her that you are in this relationship for better or worse and you aren’t going anywhere might help her realize that you are a permanent part of DH’s life and her life now too. Sorry you’re dealing with this:(

Post # 11
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

To add to what bellanouva mentioned about the Mother-In-Law feeling replaced etc. a little while back another bee posted a link to a pretty spot on blog, here’s the link to the WB thread: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/interesting-blog-post-that-puts-mil-issues-into-perspective-a-bit

Hopefully after speaking to your husband you guys can figure out a plan to work things out, or approach her. If all else fails, you’ve done a fantastic job to help her feel included and if she’s going to block every effort, throw a pitty party and refuse to accept you… I say save yourself the heart ache and continue to invest in what seem like amazing relationships with your family and other members of his.

Some MILs just wont budge. My Mother-In-Law is amazing, but hers…. not so much. DH’s parents have been married nearly 30 years and his grandmother still doesn’t accept his Mom. The saddest part, is my Mother-In-Law still takes it all to heart. I know its a lot easier said than done (especially from someone who’s not in your shoes) but if it can’t be worked out, I think you have to take it for what it is and not break your heart worrying over it, or trying to win her over.

Best of luck and sorry she’s giving you these troubles 🙁 It sounds like you’re an incredibly good and big person. Don’t let her take you down

Post # 12
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

You know what – I think what you heard really wasn’t that bad. Almost good even. She thinks your great! That’s awesome. But obviously this woman has issues. She is obviously a negative person who isn’t used to good things happening to her or her family. You know those people who also say they are unlucky or when something bad happens “Oh justmy luck that would happen to me…” as if they are somehow cursed? That’s her. So breathe a sigh of relief and know that her behavior towards you has NOTHING to do with you, it has everything to do with her and her craziness.

Okay, now if I were you I would sit down with her and just tell her how happy you are with her son, how you see spending the rest of your life with him, and how grateful you are to her for raising an awesome man. If you can’t say all this, maybe write it in a letter? Just phrase it along the lines of, “I’m sitting here thinking about how happy I am and I realized I have you to thank for a lot of it.” I know it’s laying it on thick – but I think she’ll appreciate it.

For what it’s worth, I think my mom was like this a bit with my little brother’s gf. My brother had has his heart broken before, and when he started dating his new gf my mom was very standoffish and didn’t want to become attached before. When my brother had gotten his heart broken in the past it ended up affecting the entire family, and I don’t think my mom wanted to go through that again. She’s definetly loosened up a bit and now really loves his new gf, but it wasn’t an overnight thing.

It’ll get better – I promise!

Post # 13
6065 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

I’m sorry you have to deal with her, you don’t deserve all that.

I feel pretty strongly that your Darling Husband needs to understand what you’re going through and to validate your feelings. It may take some time, and no need to blow up or anything…but it needs to be hashed out.

The hardest thing in life is to accept we do not have control over certain things. Unfortunately, your Mother-In-Law will probably never change. So after helping your husband understand, you need to find ways to “deal” with her behavior and lower your expectations.

Wishing you well!

Post # 14
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@tootietoo2: No problem at all and I totally second

forforever’s advice and reading that thread. I hope to hear an update soon!

Post # 15
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m in the same boat, but I am not married yet. My Future Mother-In-Law just has never really treated me nice, and loves to nit pick everything that I do. When I cook she says things like “This doesn’t have any flavor. The potatoes are too runny. I didn’t know you could even ruin this.” And, everything has to be her way, or it’s wrong. She’s manipulative to my Fiancee and makes him feel worthless on a daily basis. The only reason she is around is because her back went out and she can’t work, mnuch less take care of herself now. I just wish things weren’t the way they were, every night I’m crying and I just want to give up. 


But, enough about me, for your situation is I would talk to your husband and let him know how you feel. If there’s just no fixing to it, all you have to do is stick around a few years and let his mom know nothing is going to “fall apart”. Maybe things will get better. =]

Post # 16
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I used to have IL problems when I lived common law with my ex.   She got worse when I bought the house and became so critical of me.  She even got pushy about my finances and implied that I was bad with money when it was her son that was the one with the issues.

My big mistake was that I was upset when I spoke with my boyfriend at the time.   He got mad at his mom, put her on the spot, and then she started changing her story.   He then thought that I was lying and started to gravitate to her.   When our son was born, she told him to move home since he wasn’t coping well with parenthood, and really fed him a lot of bad advice.  It was ultimately the biggest reason why things didn’t work out with him. 

So, my advice is to make sure you bring any positive about her that you can while talking about her.   Tell him that you want to be closer to her.   Tell him that you want everything to be peaceful.   But also tell him how you feel.  He may feel like he is a bit stuck in the middle at first, but depending on how you do it, we can probably brainstorm ideas how to approach her.

My ex felt that if I had an issue with his mom, I needed to call her.   I was very opposed to that, but eventually felt that things were so bad, and if he wasn’t going to do it, maybe I could.   I didn’t have enough history with her to approach it the way I should have and it made things even worse.   She got very defensive with me and took things the wrong way.  I would never do that again.

I agree with whoever said that ther are definite positives in what she said.   She likes you but is scared.  Show her how much you love her son and time will also reinforce that.

Good luck.  I hated having any issue with my ILs, and it’s such a difficult position to be in.

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