- 6 years ago
- Wedding: July 2014
Mr. P is 32 years old and has been on his own since the age of 18… yet he is missing very very critical life skills and I don’t know what to do about this. He’s brilliantly book smart and when it comes to domestic life it’s like he’s autistic. I’m not sure I envision my life like this and am considering calling off the wedding…. I don’t want to do this but I really have no clue where to go from here.
We’ve lived together for a year and I’ve been teaching him to clean. We’ve done countless training sessions and I feel like cd on repeat. The house is covered in labels explaining where things go like a kids room might be. We tried to divide things up by room allowing eachother to do our own thing as long as 1. a basic level of hygene that is established is accomplished 2. the room maintainer knows where everything is when asked 3. Things are stored safely.
He took the kitchen for example. He didn’t “get” my existing organization of the kitchen so we spent a weekend together allowing him to logically classify each item into categories and moving things around to match those categories, indexing them in a spreadsheet and then modifying labels because that’s what he said he needed to make sense of it. Way over kill in my mind but whatever. I don’t think the room ever went back to how we organized it and it quickly morphed until he can’t find anything and things aren’t stored safely. I was smelling mold for WEEKS and he persisted that he’s cleaned and it’s nothing and I couldn’t find it. Then I found a couple month old loaf of bread in the very back of the “storage containers” cabinet. Glasses are stacked so they fall out of cabinets because there is “no space”. So we take everything out of the cabinet and I use the label map to but everything away – he takes a picture…. now there is a map, a spreadsheet and a photo and that lasts x weeks and we do it again. Often it’s my fault for not explaining even though it’s agreed he organizes and manages his room.
This week I’ve nearly died in the home in various ways:
1. A tool box fell out of the closet on my head because it was sitting on a sweater on the top shelf rather than flat.
2. A spare glass jar was wedged in the pantry so I opened the byfolding door and was showered with a spray of glash shards. What kills me is I ask why the jar is there and get the answer “well that’s the most logical place”
3. Dishes fell out of the dish cabnet
4. He washed the floor with dish soap and I slipped
5. He over filled a pot with water and boiled it, I ran in smelling burning and he’s not in the kitchen – he’s playing a video game. He runs in after I say “it’s burning!” and grabs the over filled pot of bioling water, swings around wide and sloshes boiling water on the floor in my direction. I only got some splash back but I could have been VERY badly burned.
We had a big blow out yesterday (after #1,2 and 3 occured within the first 30 minutes I was home) He was home yesterday and cleaned for 4 hours. He was angry I didn’t complement him enough as I nursed my flesh wounds and near concusion even after I had even said “oh wow the counters are so clean baby”
The answer could be in changing rooms but that’s not much better. The bedroom is mine which comes with laundry and the closet. He can’t read labels and wash clothes properly and can not process hanging a shirt that’s not a basic shirt shape. My dresses are wrapped around a hanger held on with elastic bands…. I can’t count how many times I’ve shown him how to hang pants that are flat on the pleets and he gets so frustrated he’ll throw them on the ground. He scratched up my tub with an abrassive because he didn’t read a label. He can vaccum with a top of the line Dyson for twice as long as I do and there are still visable debris on the floor and likely there is a full sheet of paper stuck in the hose that needs to be picked out because he sucked it up without watching.
We’ve tried doing all things together but that’s basically me doing everything as a demonstration after a failed start of his… it doesn’t change 3 or 4 times later either.
This is really the only reason I want to call the wedding off and ask him to move out… but that seems like such a waste of an otherwise good thing. We’ve been to a counselor who laughed at him when I discribed our challenges with a response something along the lines of “aw come on! I clean a much bigger house! hahah” (he got reported for his behavor) and now I’m not sure he’d try a new one now anyway.
Does anyone have any ideas for me? 🙁